Caring for Myself

CEA - Day 262

2008-12-18T09:18:00.003-05:00

CEA - Day 262

Step 10. #45 Have you stopped trying to make unreasonable demands on the ones you love? Write on the last unreasonable demand and the results of that demand. How do you tell what is reasonable and what is unreasonable?

Richard and I are polar opposites on how we resolve conflict. Since he's been on the board of directors of our condo association I've been reacting to the way that he is dealing with the other directors and/or the condo manager. To me, the place is going downhill, repairs are not being done to the building, the old board allowed the dues to get behind $200,000, etc. Richard chooses to deal with the wacky/sick personalities through a slow and steady patience and confrontation, myself, I want to contact an attorney. The results of our debating over how best to handle this situation has been a lot of arguing and because of that I have informed Richard that because I do not have the authority or power to change the situation, that I would prefer that he stop telling me all the problems that are going on with the board. Again, if I choose to I can contact an attorney and see what can be done about the board allowing the dues to get so far into arrears.

Starting A New Job

2008-03-19T08:30:00.002-04:00

I'm finally back to work after having taken eight weeks off following surgery. I have, in the past, been self employed, over employed, unemployed and underemployed. My goal this time around is to try to maintain some type of balance primarily because it is in the balance that I believe God lives.

Fortunately I am a very quick learner, unfortunately I don't have anyone to train me. Hmmmm, the dilemma of trying to sell a product I can believe in, but am unsure how much of the product the client needs. I have contacted my sales manager and informed her that I need some kind of training on how exactly to measure a customers home and come up with the correct amount of yardage needed foir carpet. Her response, "just email me the floor plan and I'll figure out the yardage needed". Not exactly a teaching technique.

It seems a bit silly that I'm uncomfortable determining how much yardage of carpeting a client might be needing, however, I'm sitting at a table with the client watching over my shoulder, trying to do a carpet layout, figure what to do with the excess carpet, how to use the fills, and unsure of what I'm doing. Its fairly stressful. If I knew someone was going to come behind me and measure out the job, I'd feel a bit more secure. However, if I make a mistake, its my responsibility to pay for the mistake! I'm definitely planning on erring on the greater side.

Additionally, the customer is talking all the while I'm doing the figuring. They're changing their mind, asking for a quote six ways, chatting about their home, their children, etc. Whoa, I'm definitely needing to have to learn a way to work under these conditions.

I haven't even been scheduling the window treatment sales calls yet. I really need to study all the specifications of these treatments. I went on one call and literally had no idea what I was talking about. It was awful! I vowed not to schedule any more until I'm able to get through reading and comprehending the catalogs. I need to know what I'm selling! Unfortunately, the company who hired me expects me to know the specifications because I have been an Interior Designer. However, being an Interior Designer does not necessarily mean I have all this knowledge already. I actually hired all this out. I hired people to do the measuring and determine the yardage. I hired people to measure windows and let me know if I was specifying something that wouldn't work.

Its not just looking like a clueless bimbo that bothers me, but, these customers deserve to have someone who is trained and informed.

Finally, I'm not ready to be going out on these sales calls and am going to have to insist that I be taught about the products I'm selling.

Where To Tithe

2008-02-24T17:23:00.002-05:00

I've been struggling lately with where I should be tithing.

Over the past couple of years I've been feeling more and more detached from my church and as a result have been attending less and less. Today, while at church, I realized that I no longer belong there.

So, I am at the moment churchless. Where than shall I tithe?

Dave Ramsey refers to it as giving, and keeps a column in the budget for this giving. Giving he describes as giving to a worthy cause. Other teachers have referred to giving where you are spiritually fed. Hmm. . . .

I certainly can come up with many worthy causes that I believe in. There are many shelters and programs within ten miles of my home that I would be happy to donate to.

Currently I am being spiritually fed at the Alcoholics Anonymous tables I've been sitting at.

But, the question remains, where do you tithe when you don't have a church? Is a tithe only set aside for a church? God works in so many places in addition to, and other than churches. . . .

Financial Peace University

2008-02-24T17:07:00.002-05:00

Last week my husband and I began attending Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class at our local church. Very motivating material!

Although I think its too early to really comment on any changes that have taken place, I can comment on one. The first weeks assignment is to put together a budget, based on the budget in the Dave Ramsey's workbook. For some reason my husband and I were able to walk through this budget with only a minimum of disagreement! I know this is due in part to our bi weekly financial meetings, but, there was a noted difference in the amount of stress and discomfort during this meeting. Even when we totaled up the monthly bare bones expenses, and they equaled twice our monthly income, we were able to look at the numbers in a detached manner.

Since that meeting last week, I have returned to work at a very limited capacity, and my husband has picked up a second job. Whether there will be any results of this second job is unknown yet because its a sales position and my husband has proven to be very slow in going forward into anything new.

I'll keep posting my experiences from this wonderful program.

Living With Anemia

2008-01-09T13:02:00.001-05:00

I've had iron deficient anemia for almost four years now. The primary symptoms of my anemia have been fatigue, shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, irritability, dizziness and lightheadedness. Although I can occassionally get my hemoglobin up to 12, a healthier red blood count, it usually records at a 9 and sometimes drops down to 7. A couple of times last year I was hospitalized because of an extremely low hemoglobin and required to stay overnight to see if I would need a transfusion.

Having been sick for such a long period of time has altered the way I live. I don't have the energy to do all the running around I once did, I can't seem to get motivated to attend anything unless it's absolutely necessary. My social life has been reduced down to nothing. Old friends and family members wonder why I don't call, or don't answer my voice messages. I have little tolerance for going out for a Sunday drive, or shopping just to look around. There's no extra energy to clean a big home, or work in the garden.

While this may sound awful to most people, I have to admit there have been some benefits that I'll be able to use when my health returns.

The number one benefit that I have learned from this illness is time efficiency. No longer do I waste a minute of my time doing things that aren't absolutely necessary. I have created systems in my life that allow me to function to the best of my ability to take the best care of myself.

Even though I have been sober for 16 years, its a necessity that I attend AA meetings on a regular basis for some peace of mind and to connect with other individuals who can understand my problem. This ongoing attendance insures that I can remain sober for another 16 plus years.

Using this as an example: I set my alarm for 6am for a 7am AA meeting. I have 30 minutes to get ready since I have to walk out my door at 6:30 am in order to be on time. Not being a morning person, I have a hard time thinking at that time of day. Its difficult to figure out what to wear, or to pack my gym bag at that time of day for the workout that will follow the meeting . I must eat or my blood sugar levels will drop and I won't be able to function properly.

Rather than having to run around in the morning, or having to get up earlier than 6am, I prepare my food the night before. I keep vegetables cut up in the fridge in case I don't have energy for those times when I need them, I put some onions and green peppers in a pan with some oil, add 3 egg whites and 1 whole egg, 1/4 cup of brown rice (large batch premade) and put together some scrambled eggs for the morning. I lay my clothes out for the meeting the night before or sometime the day before depending on when I have the most energy, and have my gym clothes already organized into an outfit because that's how I've folded them when I did laundry (ie. pants, shirt, jacket, bra, on top of pants, shirt, jacket, bra, etc.) I take a shower the night before and dry my hair sitting down. Sometimes I dry my hair in two spurts of energy so I don't wear myself out too much.

In the morning, I put the eggs in the microwave, and heat them up while I put on makeup. I get dressed in the clothes that are already laid out, grab my gym bag, eat my food and walk out the door. Honestly, there's not much more to it than that.

Other things I've done to accommodate this illness. . . I don't answer the phone unless I have the energy too. I don't take work calls after 5pm nor will I schedule work over the weekend. I underbook my schedule knowing that if I have added energy I can fit a couple of more errands in my day.

Of course, (doesn't it always work this way) my husband has the energy of two people. He plans things one on top of the other. He can't understand why I'd rather call to see when a business is open when you could just drive there, why fax when you can deliver and talk to someone in person, etc. While my schedule must seem crazy to him, his definitely seems crazy to me.

This Saturday I had planned on going to the 7 AA meeting, then over to the farmers market for our weeks groceries. If I have energy, I will go to the gym. To me this seems like plenty of activities to put into my day, knowing that I'll also have to prepare meals and whatever else I do on a daily basis. My husband, however, has plans to do all three of those things with me, and he wants us to go to a party at a friends in Lansing (about 1.5 hours away - think round trip). Later I find out that he made plans for one of our neighbors to come over to our new condo in the morning to discuss design plans for a restaurant.

How can I fit all this activity into one day? I can't. He'll need to call the neighbor and ask him to call me to schedule a meeting, and he'll most likely have to go to the party on his own.

Other areas that have been altered to help me function more efficiently. . . my makeup is laid out on a tray so I don't have to dig into a makeup bag to find things, all financial paperwork fits into three folders and stays together near my computer so I can pay bills, update my budget, and file it all at once. I do ALL of my banking on line and don't even have a checkbook. My cupboards are organized according to the amount of times I use things. I overstock or double stock food items, medications, and toiletries so that I don't have to run out to get something.

Having been ill for so long I've developed an incredibly efficient system for my use of time. Although I'm not looking forward to having surgery (total hysterectomy) next week to correct this problem, I am looking forward to having more energy, building up a social life again, getting back into business, and being able to do things I haven't been able to for the past 4 years.

Finding My Step

2008-01-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

I've had a whirlwind of activity in my life for the past two months and am very much looking forward to things settling down.

I'm in my new home, for the most part unpacked, still getting organized and am working on creating a routine or pattern to my days and weeks.

I now have to schedule in the laundry mat, I no longer have my favorite market that I went to weekly, I don't have as many household responsibilities, I'm not familiar with where to shop for the best deals. Meijers, Target, Best Buy. . . . . . . none of these stores exist in Detroit and I'm wanting to be able to spend my dollars here in the city.

I'm working on creating a healthy, productive schedule that's going to take care of me in a positive, balanced way. For the past few days, I've begun my mornings by attending a 7am Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Grosse Point, and then heading to the new YMCA in downtown Detroit. Because I recognize that I can become obsessive about setting goals, I've decided to allow this pattern to develop and repeat itself until it becomes a habit. I don't plan on becoming rigid about adding other plans to my schedule, however, I'll look for new things to do that will make my life feel fabulous and fulfilling.

This past weekend my husband and I went to the Detroit Farmers Market. What a fantastic way to spend an afternoon! I LOVE to feel as if I'm getting a bargain, and this is definitely a place for bargains. A box of fresh, juicy clementines for $2.00, eggs fresh from the farm, large bags of apples for $4.00! Then we discovered there was a meat market across the street which we hadn't seen before. They had a special on N.Y. Strips for $2.95 a pound, and their prices for Amish chickens and turkeys are better than what they're charging in the grocery stores for just regular hormone filled chickens. It really was a fun time and I came home with plenty of fresh food for the week, and plans to return again this weekend.

I've determined that there's not a lot I can do about my employment until after my surgery, although I have been applying for jobs and following up on leads and referrals that I've come across. Hopefully this effort will pay off for when I'm back on my feet and able to get back to work. In the meantime, we continue to tithe 10% back for what God has given us and have been receiving many rich rewards because of it.

So, although finding my step is a bit of a challenge, I'm finding it to be a fun challenge. There are so many new things to see downtown, and new places to discover. I believe by putting God and myself first in the morning I'll have the energy and drive to make these new discoveries.

Looking for Work

2007-12-01T20:01:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been looking on the internet for a new job. I've been successfully self employed for 13 years up until I suffered the loss of my retail store in 2004. I've spent the last 3 years working with the insurance company and lawyers, and working on two outstanding Interior Design projects. I've recently completed a commercial project and am now wrapping up my last large residential project.

Rather than start all over, get out and network, take on lots of small projects to rebuild a business, I think I'd prefer to go to work for someone else.

I know that I am a really good designer, I know that I'm a good mentor for other designers, I work really well with clients and have a strong business background. Yet, while I'm searching the classifieds, I feel inadequate, out of date, and insignificant.

I find myself applying for work that I'm overqualified for and, although I'm applying, feeling intimidated by the positions that I'm interested in. I recognize that my computer skills are out of date, and that there are many new computer programs that Interior Designers are using that I'm not familiar with. I recognize that employers are wanting experience in Auto Cad, and my only experience is self taught. I know enough CAD to put together my clients drawings, and do presentations, but am not familiar with the complete program as it could be used.

Additionally, I lost my portfolio in the store flood and didn't bother to replace it. I would need to return to clients that I haven't worked with in years to get some photographs. I stopped taking on new clients after the flood, primarily because I was overwhelmed by the incredible amounts of information required by the insurance company, having to relocate and downsize my company, and, by the fact that I was anemic and unable to perform my job at full capacity.

Anyway, it feels depressing and discouraged. I don't know whether I should start my business all over again, or seek employment that I don't feel equipped to do, or secure employment that I'm overqualified for. I'm very uncomfortable being in a position of not knowing what to do next. I'm certainly an action oriented person, but, when I don't know what action to take I feel stuck.

In the meantime, I've updated my resume and am submitting it those companies I feel intimidated by. I've also updated my business cards and will purchase the products I'm needing to have them printed. And, since some action is better than no action, I will begin by handing a stack of my cards to each of the clients that I am in the process of completing, letting them know that I am looking for new clients. Finally, I am going to act as if I am rebuilding my business and if God sees otherwise for me, I will be happy to take whatever path he shows me.

A Whirlwind of Activity

2007-11-30T12:44:00.001-05:00

Its been three weeks now since my husband and I signed on with a realtor to either sell or lease our home. Fortunately, we were able to find a tenant within ten days and they were prepared to move in by the first of December. This gave us two weeks to pack, reduce our belongings from 4,000 square feet to 1,000, move, and prepare the house for rental.

We've began packing our bags, scheduled an estate sale, and moved into our (much!) smaller home. We scheduled inspections with the city, contacted an organization to remove most of the items which didn't sell at our estate sale, packed items we decided to keep after they didn't sell at the estate sale, and moved them into our (much!) smaller home.

We had decided that if the living room furnishings didn't sell we would keep it and put it in our new home. Its larger scale than I prefer, but, it saves us the cost of buying new. Even as I write this last statement, I realize how absurd that can sound. I'm a designer, and, thus, an absolute perfectionist about my home, its layout, color, proportions, etc. This furniture is extremely high end, and, I would not be able to purchase anything even remotely as nice (see photo). Anyway, the living room furniture didn't sell, so, I hired two men and a truck to help us move it.

Finally, the inspector didn't show up for his meeting on Wednesday, but showed up Thursday afternoon, creating a lot of drama and stress for today. He determined that all of the gfi's need to be replaced, and all of the outlets need to be changed over to 2 wire because we don't have a ground wire for the 3 prong. That's 44 outlets needing to be changed over! Additionally, we don't have a ground for the gfi in the master bathroom and will need to remove some tiles in order to tie it in with the cold water pipe. This project requires an electrical permit to be pulled and everything replaced - by today! We called our electrician and he immediately came over to help, he pulled the permit this morning and the inspector agreed to come back by the end of today and approve the electrical work if it was done. Hopefully, and incredibly, it appears that we are going to be able to make the deadline in order for the tenants to move in tomorrow morning. Whew!

While my husband oversees the remaining cleaning, painting, and electrical work today, I am at our new home unpacking, organizing, and locating furniture.

This past week our unexpected expenses included auto repairs of $500, electrical work of $500 plus, furnace repairs of $700 plus, and moving company expenses of $350. Amazingly we had this money available due to the estate sale!

As I sit here writing this post I wonder if others can see how quickly God helped us to (literally) move in our lives. When we became entirely ready to whatever it took to help us get out of debt, and took the first step, God supported our decision. One month ago neither my husband nor I had any intention of moving to our condo, yet, the moment we became ready to take action, and opened our minds to the changes we were shown to take, God immediately supported us in our decision and made sure that we had everything available to make the changes, and meet the demands that came up along the way. Thank you God!

Getting Settled

2007-11-25T20:46:00.000-05:00

My husband and I are still in the process of moving our things to our condo. We began sleeping at our condo on Wednesday evening and have been unpacking boxes daily.

We held the estate sale this weekend, Saturday and Sunday and were able to sell most of the large furnishings and a lot of the smaller miscellaneous items. The sale grossed $8500. After paying the estate company we made $5300.

Earlier this week a client of mine decided to purchase a piece of artwork for $5600. I don't want to get my hopes up too high though until I see the check.

Additionally my husband has been booked to do a lot more performances than he would normally do, so he is bringing in additional acting income.

It seems like all avenues have been opened up for our prosperity. Our plan is to get ourselves financially prepared for me to have my surgery and take six to eight weeks off of work, and to reduce our debts.

Our move won't be complete until the end of this week when we've moved the remaining furnishings out of of home, donated the smaller items still in the house, prepared the home for the renters, and moved a few pieces of furniture to our new condo.

Our renters are moving in this coming Saturday. Fortunately, they attended the estate sale and purchased our bedroom furniture, office furniture and one of our twin beds. In other words, these items won't need to be moved.

I'm really looking forward for things to start calming down a bit and getting settled into our new home, and beginning to collect rent to help us reduce our bills.

Ch. . .ch.... ch. . . ch. . . Changes!

2007-11-20T10:10:00.000-05:00

Wow, there are a lot of things happening for us right now. . . . .

1. We've scheduled an Estate Sale for this coming weekend and what an incredible amount of work this requires. I realize that the company I hired is supposed to take care of everything, but, we still have to go through everything to make sure we want to sell it. There are several thing that we had overlooked thinking that we had searched through everything. Yesterday the people were here to begin setup of the sale, while they were unpacking they pulled out boxes and boxes of basketball cards that my kids have saved from when they were little. My husband and I went online to see what a couple of them were worth we came across one that was valued at $300! The problem is that there are thousands of these cards and they aren't priced, they aren't our cards to sell, and neither of my kids has the ability to research prices right now. We've decided to just pack them back up and take them to someone we know who deals in cards to see what their value is.

2. We're still packing to move down to our condo downtown. This has been fairly difficult only because both my husband and I are sick right now. Packing is not my favorite thing to do, I have a tendency to under pack and my husband over packs. Hopefully we'll be able to balance this out. I've recently learned that the small storage unit we have at the condo is not accessible right now due to asbestos in the area of the unit.

3. We've found a renter for our home and will be meeting with the realtor this evening to review the contract. This has been incredibly fast, yet, we had three families a day coming through our home to look at it. This renter will be moving in on the first of December so we need to make sure the house is in top shape for that to happen.

4. Our furnace needs to be repaired. We knew this was coming, but, my husband and I have been tolerating the furnace problems. Today they came out and quoted a minimum of $500+ to replace a few parts and bleed the lines. I'm crossing my fingers on this project because I know it could go into a lot more expenses than what is being quoted. We'll have to wait and see. Thank goodness we have that $1000 emergency fund though.

5. We'll be having Thanksgiving at our new home. I hadn't been planning on it until one of my sisters called to find out where we were meeting. I'm aware she has nowhere to go so I invited her to join us for dinner. After inviting her though I realized I needed to invite my other sisters also. It ends up that we'll be having two of my sisters, my brother in law, one of my sons, and possibly my granddaughter for dinner. I only have place settings for 4 at the condo so we'll be using paper plates (at least my husband and I will), and some plastic silverware. Fortunately we do have enough seating for everyone and we have an amazing view to look out at while we eat. (Photo on post is the view from our front window)

Both my husband and I are starting to get a bit excited about moving, and we're very tired at the same time. Of course there remains to be a lot of things to do, not just in the packing, but in the unpacking and furnishing of the condo. Our furniture from the large house doesn't translate into this smaller space and we're short one bed, some living room furnishings, and an area rug on a concrete floor. Additionally, there's a bit of construction work remaining to be done and we'll need to put up some window treatments for the neighbors across the way.

I'm most especially looking forward to reducing our monthly overhead expenses! Fortunately the cost for heat is included in our association fees and we are only responsible for our electrical expenses.

Packing Our Bags

2007-11-12T17:51:00.001-05:00

Last week my husband and I met with a realtor, again, and signed a contract to put our home on the market for lease with option. He looked at both of our homes, let us know which he felt he could rent the soonest, and gave us rental prices for both homes.

If I haven't mentioned it before, our largest home has been on and off the market for the past three years. Our price went from $390,000 down to $330,000 with no offers. Recently, we were told our home would sell for approximately $260,000. Unfortunately our mortgage is for $318,000 and we're not in a financial position to take any losses, let alone that size of a loss.

Our second home is an 1100 square foot loft on the river in Downtown Detroit. It is in a high rise building with valet and amazing water views all around. I've wanted to move down there, but, we were thinking we would rent it on an executive rental program. The condo is already partially furnished, has all the needs for kitchen and bath, and is only in need of a few pieces of furniture.

I've been packing what we plan to take with us and my husband's been cleaning the home top to bottom. Tomorrow we have 2 couples scheduled to view our home at the rental price of $1595 per month, $100 of which would go to our rental company for management fees. Our current payment with taxes and insurance is $3000.

With the renting out of our home we will not only have an additional $1495 coming in monthly, but, we'll be eliminating our monthly utilities. In the winter, these utilities can total up to $500 - $700.

We will be responsible for any maintenance situations that come up, and, I already know they will be coming up. There are also some repairs that will need to be taken care of right away, our furnace isn't working on the upper level, some areas of the house need repainting, window repairs, etc.

We'll be moving from approximately 3000 square feet down to 1100 square feet so we need to get rid of a lot of things. I've scheduled a meeting with an estate sale company to see about selling all of our furnishings, kitchen items, linens, toys, etc. Hopefully, they will be interested and available to make something happen quickly.

Whoops, spoke too soon when I said quickly! I met with the Estate Sale company and they're going to hold the sale November 24th and 25th! They'll be coming over on Monday morning to begin setting up the sale. I'll be spending the weekend packing those items I plan on taking to my loft.

I've called my kids to see if they're wanting anything before I sell it all. They'll be coming over tomorrow evening to celebrate my husband's birthday and hopefully take whatever they are wanting.

I've delayed my surgery that was originally scheduled for November 21st, primarily because I wouldn't be able to pay my house payments if I was off work. I haven't set aside enough money to be able to take off six to eight weeks to recuperate, and I don't want to feel afraid while I'm trying to recover.

I feel certain that with all the changes my husband and I have been making that we are well on our way to becoming debt free. I'm in a place where I feel willing to do whatever it takes to pay off all this debt.

While all this is going on, I've decided to return to my doctor and ask for help (again) with my eating disorder. I struggle with my eating constantly. I'm neither anorexic or bulimic, but I do have a problem that I need to deal with. I've committed to my doctor that I would attend Overeaters Anonymous (again) and make additional efforts to deal with this problem.

Does it sound like I'm taking on too much? It does to me, but, I'm not doing anything that doesn't need to be done. I need money and I need to take better care of myself.

FINANCIAL MEETING #5

2007-11-07T08:27:00.001-05:00

What a nightmare! I really recognized why my husband and I haven't sat down and done our expenses together in the past.

Yesterday, my husband had a really rough day at work. His job is overly stressful due to a politically appointed boss (that changes with each election), who has no experience. Political appointees are oftentimes someone who has held fund raisers, or knows someone who knows someone, etc. They aren't required to have qualifications for the jobs they are appointed to, but instead are pretty much thrust into a position and they either take an active role or a passive role in their position.

Currently, his boss is taking not only an active roll, but an abusive roll. She's pretty well destroyed the department by abusing those who knew how to run the department until they couldn't tolerate it any longer. Many accepted much less paying positions just to get away.

Unfortunately, my husband has not been able to get out of the job, after 20 some years, and has reported some of her abuses to the human resource department in order to protect himself. Worse, by his reporting the problem it has created an even more hostile environment.

Anyway, having come home in that frame of mind, we had our scheduled financial meeting. Certainly, this was a mistake. It seemed as though all the abuses that were heaped on him that day were now being brought to the financial table.

While I have fear about money, my husband has hatred and rage about money. There is so much anger coming from him about money, that, in the past, I had chosen not to confide in him and had just taken over the bill paying. Bill paying was all that was happening in our household though. Nobody was paying attention to what was coming in, what was going out, what was being saved, or what was being spent.

I find it very difficult to be in the same room with him when this rage comes out. Its not rage at me, its rage towards money. Yet, I don't know how to stay present around it. (Actually, after re-reading this last statement, I shouldn't stay present around it! I need to set a boundary and walk out of the meeting if it gets that heated. That much anger, to me, belongs in a therapists office.)

When the subject of Christmas came up, and it only came up because it was on the agenda, my husband seemed to completely fall to pieces. He informed me that he felt like we were letting his daughter down financially, that he wanted to be able to give the kids whatever they wanted - like we have in the past, etc.

The dynamics of our relationship seems to be that when my husband gets weepy or (what I call) overly emotional/dramatic), I get angry. When I get weepy he gets weepier . . . . then I get angry. Its not a pretty picture.

Needless to say, this meeting resulted in a melt down by each of us. By the end of the meeting both of us had been crying, myself because I was so frustrated, my husband- for many reasons.

Later, when both my husband and I were calmed down and the financial meeting had ended, I asked him why he believed he had so much anger towards money. He indicated that money was used as a tool/weapon against him in his family and later in his relationships. I have never seen anyone have such a strong, hateful reaction towards money.

I on the other hand, have very few memories about money. Money wasn't really discussed in my family, it was a bit of a secret. I knew we didn't have any, we didn't have enough for our basic needs, but, we did have two large homes.

I'm not sure how we're going to go forward from here. I don't ever want to have to go through what I went through at last nights meeting. We did discuss the inappropriate way the meeting went, and, that neither of us should be coming to the tables loaded up with that much emotional baggage.

Additionally, I have had to be responsible for finances my entire adult life, my husband, on the other hand, has never had to be responsible. He has always had someone else take care of his finances. He is actually coming to the table with, by his own admission, very little financial experience, and making some fairly awful financial recommendations.

You know, if it had to sum this up right now, I'd have to say that my husband is a bit of a spoiled brat and he's having a loud, and obnoxious, childish temper tantrum, that, while he claims he'd like me to take him seriously, cannot be taken seriously.

Well, even though I didn't have anything nice to say, I feel better for having said it.

Making Money On Line

2007-11-05T09:08:00.000-05:00

I'm always searching for a way to make money online.

I've signed up to take surveys at cashcrate.com , which wouldn't be a problem, except, you can't get out of the surveys! What prompted me to sign up was when a fellow blogger had listed his income for the month as $63. I now realize he had to have been on line for many, many hours to get his account that high.

I'm currently checking on an old website I had purchased which appears to still be in my account at Network Solutions. I'd like to get the website going and begin selling products that I've made for children. I'll let you know how that's working out.

Finally, I recently came across a website that was recommended to me by someone I trust. Also, just last night, I was reading about the law of attraction, and I was shown this site this morning. Whenever I pray and then see a possible answer to that prayer I gratefully respond.

So, if you're interested in making an income on line, just listen to a short tape, sign up for free, and pass it on. http://www.mypowermall.com/Biz/Home/73621

SEARCHING FOR THE GOOD

2007-11-04T10:22:00.000-05:00

My father used to tell me, "If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." so, I haven't written lately.

After my fourth financial meeting with my husband, I was feeling pretty worn out. I see my finances and I can't believe I've managed to get myself into this mess. I currently have $74,000 in credit card, student loans, and construction loans and another $460,000 in mortgage debt. So, the good news is that my husband read Dave Ramsey's, "Total Money Makeover" and has agreed to come on board with me. Additionally I have seen my husband make a complete turn around in his financial thought process and I believe because of this we are now in a position to overcome our debts.

I'm concerned because my business has dropped off more than 90%, and I have health problems that cause me to be fatigued and unable to work at my normal capacity. Right now I'm scheduled for surgery November 22nd, but may have to delay it because I don't have enough money set aside to pay my mortgages. I also may be forced to delay it because my iron levels are too low for surgery. The surgery requires that I take six to eight weeks off of work. So, the good news is that I can see the problem, have the awareness that I need to build my emergency fund right now.

I had planned on going to grad school and realize that financially I'm not in a position to. The tuition is $7,000 per semester and I, of course, was planning to pay for this with student loans. So. the good news is I'm not creating $14,000 of additional debt this year.

I'm needing a new action plan and I'm not sure which way to go. I feel in a bit of a catch 22 because I don't want to build a business, one, that I don't really like anymore, and, two, when I'm too ill to follow through. So, the good news is I'm taking a bit of a siesta, praying and waiting for God to show me the way.

I've been listing items for sale on craigslist, attempting to sell some of my art collection, and communicating with a furniture store to purchase lighting fixtures. So the good news is, I have valuable things to sell.

I did sell a set of tires my son had left in my garage and I split the money with him, the artwork is in limbo and, actually, so are the light fixtures. The furniture store owner indicated he wanted them and then hasn't done anything to follow up. Well, the good news is, I still have the fixtures and if the original person who said he wants them doesn't want them any longer - I'll sell them to someone else.

I've contacted a rental company to have him look at both of our homes. Both would rent WAY under the amount that we currently pay for them. The good news is, both houses are beautiful, I can schedule a photographer to take pictures, and can submit those pictures to national magazines for consideration.

This month I have very little receivables out there and am again afraid I won't be able to pay this months bills. My clients are cutting back on purchases and its been affecting my income greatly. Oh well, I didn't mention that last month my income was $7500. Who knows what it will be this month. Hmmm, the good news could be that all income is a bit of a surprise and I am EXTREMELY grateful each time it comes in.

I do have debt through my business that I must pay off, while at the same time paying myself a salary. I can no longer ignore my business though and use the money from it to just pay my bills. I need to pay my clients bills first, since it is their money for their product. So, the good news here is that I WILL be out of debt at my office since I'm putting a portion of all my business income towards past debt. The even better news is that I do not have a lot of past due debts at my office and the debts that I do have have varying due dates, ie. deposit first - four months later the balance is due. I can get the orders going, since my clients already paid me, and prepare to pay off the balances.

Finally, I live on a 1/2 acre of land, in Michigan, and there are loads of leaves that need to be raked up and taken to the roadside. I let the lawn service go to save money. So, the good news is, I have a heck of a workout ahead of me. :)

FRUGAL GROCERY SHOPPING

2007-10-26T18:57:00.001-04:00

I had an interesting experience at the grocery store yesterday. I took $194 cash with me to shop, and, even though I didn't count as I went along, I was becoming concerned that I was exceeding that amount. I wasn't too worried because I had my debit card with me, but, my husband and I are successfully trying to use a cash only system.

One thing I've been doing different when I grocery shop is to make sure I am not purchasing any convenience items. Carrots that have been peeled, lettuce that's been washed and cut up, beans that have been cooked, chicken stock that's been made for me, butter that's been whipped, etc. Another thing that I've been doing is to purchase meats and fish only if they are on sale. Fortunately, Meijers had whole chickens for .79 per pound. I purchased six of them, only because that's all the will fit in my freezer.

Although its mostly just my husband and I, my husband is a H-U-G-E eater. He eats enough for a family of four or more easily. When he eats, he stands over the sink and devours an entire chicken. Then he moves on to the next item and devours it, etc.

Two weeks ago I purchased six pounds of mixed nuts for $24. That's only $4 a pound! A great deal. Today there pretty well gone. Well, that's not such a great deal any longer. In fact, that's quite expensive. Twelve dollars a week just for nuts is no longer a bargain.

Knowing about my husbands tendency to binge on certain foods, I seek out cheaper and cheaper prices in those areas where he's tearing through the pantry. Yesterday, I found ballpark peanuts on sale for .99 per pound. Of course, I stocked up on them. My other trick is to buy nuts that my husband doesn't really like, like walnuts. Since he eats nuts everyday on the advise of a medical program, (he's supposed to be eating 3/4th cup a day), if there aren't nuts in the house than he thinks he's not on "the program".

Finally, I've started really stretching the foods. Rather than even having a whole chicken around for him to eat, I've been making meals where I break up the chicken and mix it with other items that will fill him up. Spaghetti sauce with chicken over brown rice, chicken soup with vegetable and rice, tonight there's chili, etc. The rice is made in a $8.00 rice cooker I bought recently, and I make 6 cups every 3 days. Two pounds of rice costs $1.25 and lasts for a couple of weeks.

I've been purchasing ground turkey when it's on sale and making large batches of spaghetti , last night I bought some kielbasa and steak that I'll figure into some sort of mixed dish rather than a single serving of the meat. This allows me to have more more than one serving of that meat, and sometimes up to three. Ie. spaghetti with rice for dinner for both of us , the next days lunch for my husband , and one more meal for both of us.

This is something that I used to do when my children were little and I didn't have a lot of money. I stretched everything! Fortunately, I have the knowledge and skills to do this.

It actually doesn't take that much more time to do this. I usually spend half a day on the weekends cooking, making large salads, peeling a large bowl of carrots, cutting up a large bowl of celery for the week. I cook more than one kind of soup at a time, or spaghetti and soup, I have more than one burner going. I make enough to freeze two or three large servings of each.

One challenge I'm having right now is that I don't have an oven. Its been broken since the summer. We've been cooking on the grill outdoors and I've been using the cooktop. Well, its getting a bit cold here in Michigan so I need to solve the problem.

In order to solve the problem I went on line to see if there were instructions on how to repair a fairly new GE Monogram Oven. There is. I've followed the beginnings of the instructions and need to continue on to the next step. They recommend putting a piece of paper on the connector, which I did, then if that doesn't work I'm to take off one of the parts and see what happens. I've never done this before, but, I feel its worth the money savings to attempt to do this myself. I'm not going to let myself be intimidated.

Finally, when I got to the checkout counter at Meijers, my cart was filled to the top. I was pretty certain I had gone over the $194 - or thought I was very close. The cashier rang up all the items, packaged the cart with about 30 bags, and my total was $124! I was pleasantly surprised, the cashier was shocked though and commented on how a basket that size would cost her more than a couple hundred dollars.

She let me know she had a family of 5 and 3 grandchildren living in her home. I passed on my secret of no convenience foods and felt great that my frugality may help another.

Prior to my starting this program of debt reduction and frugality, my grocery bill was over $1000 every month. This month I have spent approximately $350, and, I can see where I can reduce this even more.

Overcoming Obstacles

2007-10-26T13:27:00.000-04:00

In my bio, I refer to the fact that I have overcome many obstacles in my past. I recognize that I am again relying on those tools I relied on when I was in an incredibly difficult situation as a young woman.

When I was in high school my father used to kick me out of the house quite often. I would then try to find a safe place to stay. I often stayed at a friends house whose parents didn't seem to mind that I was sleeping in their sons bedroom. I'd stay at girlfriends houses, in my boyfriends car, strangers houses, etc. Now when I think of this I realize that the stress and fear I was living with was incredible.

One of my most memorable places was in a tent, squatting on someone's land, staying with my boyfriend and his friends. I remember one evening his friends coming to our campsite, getting high and drunk, and driving their mothers car into the lake! It was the dumbest thing I think I have ever witnessed.

Another time one of his friends sister came over, she and I went swimming, we were over 1/2 way across the lake when she decided she couldn't swim any farther. I ended up dragging her and swimming the remainder of the way because we were closer to the other side of the lake than the side we were staying on. In order to get us back to the campsite, I temporarily stole a boat, got her back to the tent, and had my boyfriend and his buddies return the boat.

As an adult, what sticks with me the most though, is that while everyone was out at the campfire partying, I was in the tent, with a flashlight, studying for my government exam!

I don't know what possessed me to be so determined to continue with high school. With the conditions I was working under most kids would have given up, but, I seemed to have a gift of survival that was beyond anything reasonable.

I graduated, certainly not with honors, but I made it through. Following graduation I was again told I had to leave home, and my parents set a deadline for when I needed to be out. I searched everywhere and couldn't find a place to live, primarily because I was only 17, and unable to sign a contract, and nobody wanted a tenant my age.

My mother and father began searching with me. My father even offered the landlords to cosign the lease for me, but, nobody would rent to me.

On the deadline day my parents drove me to the YWCA in downtown Detroit. All I knew about Detroit was the riots, that there was extreme racial tension, and that it wasn't a safe place to walk around, let alone live.

We walked into the lobby, were the only white people in the building, and I waited on a bench with my suitcase in hand, while my father went to the front desk to check me in. I sat looking around, feeling frightened, despised, and hopeless.

Fortunately, they must not have had room there for me to stay because my father came back and told me to get in the car. Even though I still didn't know what was going to happen to me, I remember feeling relief that I wouldn't be sleeping there that night.

Had my boyfriend been around, he would have helped me, but, he went into the service with the hopes of me joining him when I turned 18. I believe he was stationed in Texas at the time, and I'm surprised now when I think of it that I didn't run away to be with him.

I was actually relieved when my parents dropped me off at the Red Roof Inn. I remember the price of the room at that time was $55 though! They didn't have any single, less expensive rooms available until the following week. I didn't know how many nights I was going to be able to afford to stay at a hotel, but, it was a roof over my head and it was warm.

I didn't have a working automobile, my engine had blown a few weeks prior, so I called a friend and arranged a ride to work.

After I unpacked, I sat down on the bed and cried my heart out. I was in shock that my parents could be so callous, I'm still shocked that they could be, and I was scared for my life.

Being put into these types of situations repeatedly as I was, I was becoming incredibly self sufficient - although there were many, many, problems I have had to overcome to pay for this type of self sufficiency.

An unhealthy, seat of pants, self sufficiency is not what I want or need anymore. I obviously wasn't shown what it was to be responsible and respectful towards myself and I've recreated many dramatic situations in my adult life to reenact the treatment I received as a young adult. Not because I wanted to reenact it, but, because its all I knew to do at the time.

One of those situations I've created that isn't my healthiest, is to purchase a second home. I currently own two homes while I should only be affording one. This is not the first time I've done this. For some odd reason one home is not enough for me. Even though each time I've owned a second home, I have rarely been able to use it. Its as if I'm saying, "I will never be homeless again," yet, if my financial picture does not get into some reasonable order, it is very possible that I could find myself homeless one day.

I continue to recreate stressful financial situations that put me back into the position of feeling/being powerless. For example, I've over purchased on my home. I chose to purchase a home that was over twice the mortgage payment of my first home. I stretch myself to the breaking point financially - then work to prove that I can overcome the problem.

Its time I recognized that I'm not that young woman anymore. I didn't deserve to be treated so inhumanly by my parents, I don't know all the reasons they chose to act like that. I didn't deserve to have to live on the street at such a young age. I didn't have control over their actions at that time, but, I have control over my actions now.

I need to realize that its okay for me to be financially safe. I don't know it feels like not to be afraid, thus, I create situations of fear. Why? Because that's what I know. I've been sticking with what is comfortable to me - not comfortable in that it feels good, but comfortable in that I know what I need to do to create these feelings of fear and chaos.

Sometimes, I refer to Maslows hierachy of needs to see where I'm at in my life. Maslow himself said that poverty results from one of these needs being denied or neglected. As I look today, I find that I am still on step one and that I'm struggling on getting to the safety step. Each time I've achieved safety in the past, I've quickly created a new situation that has insured that I dropped back down to the first step.

I'm ready to do whatever it takes to accept safety into my life - even if I'm uncomfortable with it. I know I need it and I finally know I deserve it.

GOALS VERSUS WISHFUL THINKING

2007-10-24T21:22:00.000-04:00

At the end of my husband and my third financial meeting, we had it on our agenda to write out our joint goals. This was something that I thought we would enjoy doing, however, it became one of the more heated discussions of tonights meeting.

My husband's goals were to travel whenever he wants, golf whenever he wants, have 1.4 million in a retirement account, pay off all our debts, to be prosperous, etc.

Whoa, 1.4 million in the retirement account! How about something that's attainable, or something I can comprehend? How will you know if you're traveling whenever you want? What determines prosperity? How will you know if you've even met your goal?

I struggle with writing what I call generic goals. Goals that have no real beginining or end. I want to be able to track whether I'm successfully working towards achieving my goal or not. I'd like to be able to actually cross a goal off the list when I've reached it. I want to know exactly where I'm headed and when I arrive.

Fortunately, my husband was able to work with me in writing out some very specific goals with the understanding that when we meet these goals, more goals will be written. Hopefully, someday, he'll be able to golf whenever he wants to, but, in the meantime, I need to know exactly what we need to do to get him to that position.

Our list of goals:

Pay off our outstanding loans.
Pay off our outstanding credit card debt.
To have an emergency fund of $35,000
To determine ways to produce a passive income of $2,000 per month or greater.
Determine how much we need to save for our retirement.
To continue to be financially responsible.

I SEE PROGRESS ALREADY!

2007-10-22T15:00:00.000-04:00

I just found this great website to track my progress. Its nice to be able to see it all in one place, I hadn't even realized that I'd paid down $2,910 of my debt already. www.ncnmoney.com

Financial Document Organization

2007-10-20T14:13:00.000-04:00

As I've brought up several times in my blog .. . . I've not been paying attention to my finances and/or maintaining any sort of order, protection, or understanding of my financial picture:

However, that's changing! A large part of the change I am needing to make is making sure that I know what I need to know to be more financially responsible.

One area of this transformation has to do with bringing up to date, and/or maintaining current documentation of all areas that pertain to my financial picture. Based on an outline of document needs that has been outlined by Suze Orman, these are the documents I am currently working on bringing up to date, and organizing in one contained, financial packet.

CREDIT REPORT/CREDIT DOCUMENTS

Up to date copies of my three credit reports
Photocopies of active credit cards, front and back with 800 service # visible.
Copies of letters closing old credit cards.

PERSONAL DOCUMENTS

Birth Certificates
Copy of Driver's Licenses
Passports
Marriage Certificate
Child Support Documents

HOME OWNERSHIP

Deeds
Promissory Notes
Home owner's Insurance
Co-ownership Property Agreement
Fire Insurance
Copy of Survey
Copy of Title Policy
Appraisals/Evaluations of valuable items (jewelry, artwork, etc.)

AUTO DOCUMENTS

Auto Titles and/or Leases
Auto Insurance Policies
Auto Loan Documents

INSURANCE DOCUMENTS

Life Insurance Policies
Health Insurance Card (Copy) Benefits Description
Long term care policy (we don't own this yet, but, need to discuss purchasing. Having watched my mother this is not something we should be without. )
Long term disability policy

SOCIAL SECURITY DOCUMENTS

Annual Social Security statement (supposed to compare W-2's to statement)
Social Security Card/s
Photocopies of spouses and children's Social Security Cards

RETIREMENT PLAN

Pension plan summary description, annual plan statement & annual individual pension benefit statemtnt.
Money purchase/profit-sharing plan documents
Beneficiary designations
Retirement account Withdrawals

INVESTMENT DOCUMENTS

Treasuries/Series I/Series EE/Notes
Stock Certificates
CD's
Annuity Contracts
Stock Option Grant Agreements
Asset List
Copies of All Investment account applications and agreements

ESTATE PLANNING DOCUMENTS

Advanced directive and durable power of attorney for health care
Financial durable power of attorney
Will
Pour over will
Revocable Living Trust
Contracts of funeral or memorial arrangements
Documentation of prepaid fees to cemetery and/or funeral home

TAX RECORDS DOCUMENTS

Tax returns for past 3 years
Documentation of home-improvement records
Documentation of medical expenses
Documentation of donations to charities
Documentation of investment expenses
Documentation of employee business travel & entertainment
Documentation of higher education expenses
Documentation of student loan interest payments
Documentation of real estate taxes, mortgage interest, closing costs.

Some of these documents I have. . . .somewhere. Others of these documents I need, but don't have. Many of these documents are things that I need to take care of in order to have an understanding of what is happening now and in the future. And, so importantly, several of these documents are things I need to initiate to protect my spouse, family, and myself should anything happen to either my husband or I.

I'm so happy to be able to finally say, I have a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care, an Advanced Health Care Directive, and Durable Power of Attorney for Finance for both my husband and I. I recently filled out and ordered these estate planning documents on line at www.legacywriter.com for $34 and then went to Michigan 1st credit union and had them notorized.

Although being financially responsible feels like an enormous project, I am committing, in writing, that I will continue to take responsibility for myself and my finances.

Who Am I and Where Do I Live?

2007-10-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

Having seen a copy of my credit report with Transunion last week, I decided to order my reports from the two remaining credit bureaus, Experian and Equifax. This information is free at www.annualcreditreport.com., everyone is eligible for a free credit report once a year.

What an eye opener. The name they have me actively listed under is a name that I used 28 years ago when I was married to my first husband. My current name is listed under former name. There are business/corporate accounts posted under personal, and business addresses posted as my residence,etc. What a mess! No wonder they can't figure out where I live.

One credit agency claims I have no negative accounts. Another states that I've been 120 days late on a mortgage payment and have 9 negative accounts!

My credit reports are 15, 24, and 27 pages long! Even though I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work this may take to get this straightened out, I feel grateful that I have the willingness to even address it.

A STOCK MARKET ANGEL

2007-10-18T23:48:00.000-04:00

I don't want to be superstitious or anything, but, I believe I have a stock market angel that watches over me.

I'm not educated on the stock market, can hardly understand stock reports, have difficulty reading the stock page, I do however, research the companies that I think I'd like to invest my money in.

In the past I would occasionally buy stocks. I bought Cisco at the advise of my brother and it went through the roof. I ended up selling it because I needed the money. Shortly thereafter, it went through the floor.

I bought Abercrombie & Fitch because I found that that's all my step daughter and her nieces would wear, it hit a record high before I sold it.

I purchased Nordstroms, it did really well also.

To date, I've only purchased one stock that lost money. . . I don't recall the specifics, but, the company had applied for an equipment patent for medical purposes. The stock did well until they were confronted with a patent infringement lawsuit. The company executives jumped ship, sold off their stock. That's never a good sign. The stock went way down.

My husband has a retirement program set up through his work. There are a variety of mutual funds that are available to purchase through his program. In the beginning, about 10 years ago, I thought Dodge and Cox DODGX sounded good. I began purchasing it at $75 per share, I purchased several hundred shares over time - they currently are at $153.

Over the past couple of years, learning about the lowering value of the US dollar, I thought it would be good to buy into a foreign funds. I chose SSEMX or SSgA-Emerging Markets. I'm not really sure what the returns on it have been, there seems to be so many conflicting numbers, but, moneycenral is listing it as 1 year return = 65.82%; 3 year return = 45.92%. etc. ttp://moneycentral.msn.com/detail/stock_quote?Symbol=SSEMX

Oddly, because of the high returns on SSEMX, and DODGX having slowed down to a 4% return, I decided to sell the DODGX and buy all SSEMX. Two days later the US stock market went into a downward spiral. I don't know if its leveled back out yet or not, but, SSEMX has sure gone up.

If my investment techniques sound vague, its because they are. I have almost no idea what I'm doing other than using some deductive reasoning, intuition, and prayer.

I'm so grateful that my investments have turned out so well though because my husband and I have had to borrow heavy on this retirement account. Recently when we took out a hardship loan of $13,000, SSEMX increased so quickly that I hadn't even realized that they money had been withdrawn.

Our account was $67,000 this past August and is currently at $84,000. Our ability to continue to invest in the account has been suspended for six months, so, to see these types of increases feels a bit like a life saver.

Now that my husband and I have made the commitment to be financially responsible, I'm beginning to see signs of that angel watching over my everyday finances.

FINANCIAL MEETING II

2007-10-16T21:51:00.001-04:00

Tonight my husband and I sat down for our second financial meeting. As I've said in an earlier post, I've put together a newsletter that shows where we our financially. All of our account balances, pending income, debt balances and pending invoices are shown on this newsletter.

Right now how we're conducting the meetings, is to have my husband read out loud each of the points written out. The reason we've set it up like this is because I'm the one whose compiled the information, but I don't want to be the only one familiar with it. By his reading it out loud, it helps me to know that he's been informed, and, it also creates discussion between us. Since he's reading it for the first time, he's the one initiating the questions. I think this is important because, in the past, it seemed I was the one with all the information, I was the one ruling the discussions, which resulted in me being the one who was generally making most of the decisions - while his eyes were glazed over.

We begin with our Mission Statement, we located a fun way to write our statement at http://www.franklincovey.com/fc/library_and_resources/mission_statement_builder.

Our Mission is to achieve financial freedom and prosperity as a team, while being respectful towards each other, keeping our minds open, using our individual gifts of thinking analytically and outside the box, in a humorous, loving and accepting way.

Next I've listed additional ways we've found to save money. . . . this week it was by changing dry cleaners to Dry Cleaning Depot. . . . this will save us at a minimum $20 per month, or $240 per year. I've also canceled my e-fax account and am changing my fax to the home phone I have only because I need it for internet service - we don't even have a phone attached to it! I hooked up a copier/fax to the phone line. This saves us $17 a month, or $204 per year. Our yearly savings is now up to $22,929.

After patting ourselves on the back, we move on to the Agenda. This weeks Agenda begins with us reviewing the October budget and noting if there are any adjustments that need to be made. We're still blowing in the wind on the budget, since it's the first one we've ever done, and, incredibly we're appearing to be fairly close.

Our credit reports were then reviewed. I had written letters to Transunion earlier , printed them, and put it in each of our files to sign and mail out.

We again reviewed our insurance policies and decided to stay with e-surance for our auto insurance, but, need to do further research on our homeowners and condo insurance.

It started to get a little heated when we hit on our next subject of discussing existing accounts and payment adjustments.

My husband wants me to contact the mortgage company (because it's in my name), and find out if we can go on an interest only payment plan for the next six months. He's fairly convinced that this will give us the money we need to pay off our credit cards and "even the student loans". Well, this concerned me since our mortgage is at 8.5% and my student loans are at 4.5%. I tried to follow his logic, which was cash flow, but I could not determine what the actual costs for something like this might be. Neither he nor I know how to figure this dollar amount out, so, his homework was to find out. Our home mortgage is $321,400 at 8.5%.

Our second account under discussion, our second mortgage. I've had my mortgage put on an accelerated payment plan. It's been on the plan for about 8 months. The reason I had chosen to do this was because I intend on paying this second house off. The first house we plan to sell, but the second house I'd like to keep. I make payments on this mortgage every other Friday in the amount of $720 - well - next month there are 5 Fridays. Ouch-that means 3 payments! I don't want to stop this program though because I paid $295 to set it up (convenience) and don't want to lose that investment. I'll contact them tomorrow to discuss refinancing this loan, stopping or delaying the automatic accelerator program.

Finally, the last account is a loan we had taken out against our retirement account. We pay $1000 per month towards this loan, with a balance of $39,000. Not something that's going to be ending soon. Although my husband called to ask that we change the payment amount, an amount that we had set up, they said we couldn't do it by phone, but could possibly request it by mail.

Our last item of on the agenda, income producing ideas. We have some valuable items that we've been wanting to sell, but, haven't put the energy into getting these items to the proper sources for resale. My husband has a civil war pistol valued at a few thousand that he needs to write the lineage on, have notarized, and provide the information and photos to an antique gun dealer. I have several pieces of artwork by well known artists that I'm wanting to sell, some of which has tripled in value.

Neither of us is very good with this type of follow up, so, I will keep it on the agenda until these items are taken care of. I believe that as long as it's put in our face repeatedly, the more likely we are to address it.

We then scheduled our next meeting, make note if there's something we want addressed at the next meeting and put together a delegation list for the items that came up at this weeks meeting. My strengths are organizing, compiling information, tracking spending, composing letters, etc. My husbands strengths are calling people on the phone, and following up on information. That's how we delegate, according to our strengths and preferences.

This weeks meeting lasted for two hours. I'm assuming our meetings last this long because we've neglected our finances for s-o-o-o-o long. I would hope that we will eventually get this down to a one hour meeting.

Next week we'll be writing our goals, (didn't have time tonight), and discussing living wills, power of attorney, life insurance, etc. I'm planning to go into the hospital for major surgery next month and know that this is another area that we've neglected too long.

I AM WORTHY OF A GOOD FICO SCORE

2007-10-15T11:24:00.001-04:00

While opening a checking and savings account at Michigan First Credit Union earlier this week, they ran a credit report on both my husband and I. Although we hadn't realized they would be doing this, they ran the reports to see if there were any areas where they could be offering us lower rates on our mortgage and auto loans. Had I known in advance they would be running these reports, I may not have opened these accounts.

Most of my adult life, I have felt humiliated at what my credit report looks like. My husband has an equally poor credit report. Although my husband no longer has a bankrupcy showing on his report, he continues to riddle his report with unpaid doctors bills. Although this may not seem like much of a problem, in this tight economy, it stopped him from being able to qualify for a loan on our second house.

I, on the other hand, have one major flaw on my report, and a couple smaller, but still important flaws. I carry two mortgages and an auto loan on my credit report. I also have a credit card that is over its limit ($10,800) , student loans that are on perpetual deferment, and miscellaneous other irritating and unnecessary notations.

The primary flaw on my report is for a mortgage payment that I made through my on line banking account with Comerica Bank. After I made the on line payment of $3,800, the mortgage company stated they had never received it. The bank insisted that they sent it. I had paperwork indicating that the money had been removed from my account.

Whoa, talk about between a rock and a hard place. These two large financial organizations proved to be impossible to penetrate and resolve this issue. Over a year passed without this situation being resolved, it continued to be "researched" by the mortgage company at our insistence, while the bank did very little to help us. The bank personnel would only look into it if we were standing in front of them in person, and then, they just insisted it had been paid.

Finally, the entire situation was resolved, unsatisfactorily for us, by our refinancing the loan, and having to roll the $3,800 into the new mortgage.

The explanation provided by the bank was so complicated that I can't even describe it here, and, I'm not convinced that the bank didn't make a mistake. The mortgage company is happy because they've been paid. We're happy to have been able to refinance at all with reports of 60 and 90 day late notices on my credit.

Our next financial meeting is scheduled for Tuesday evening. One item on our agenda is to review our credit reports. At this meeting we'll address the issues that we are able to by drafting a letter to the credit bureaus explaining the situation, and determining what else we can do to clean up our negative credit.

Finally, I need to take a look at my/our belief system regarding my money. In the past, I have believed that I am not worthy of a good financial life. In fact, the one memory I have regarding money was hearing my parents tell me that I couldn't save a dollar. I'm sure they didn't realize the impact of that statement, but, it was my choosing to carry that statement through my adult life that is the problem.

Old destructive patterns crop up and I create situations where I'm not looking too good on paper (or feeling too good inside). If I believed I was worthy I would have already written the credit bureaus, I would have kept my credit card balances down, paid on time, not exceeded my limits, etc. Instead I chose to be sloppy, lazy, procrastinate and dishonest with myself regarding my finances. I have earned a FICO score of 530, while my husband has earned a 572.

Its time for me to grow up and take responsibility. Am I worthy of a good FICO score? Yes, I believe I'm earning the right to have a decent score. It's not easy, but, for me right now, its necessary. It affects how I see myself - and its time I see myself in a better light.

A Weekend of Entertainment for $1.50

2007-10-13T12:18:00.001-04:00

My nine year old granddaughter and I spent the entire weekend together and I managed to come up with some pretty creative ways to spend our time.

On Friday I took her to Michigan First Credit Union to open a savings account. She was SO excited! They gave her a pencil case full of fun things, and showed her how to record her deposit transaction. They really treated her wonderfully, she decided to come home and make the woman who helped her a thank you card. Later, we decided that Friday would be cooking day, and Saturday art day.

Friday we made sushi, both of our favorite meals. Sushi is the NUMBER 1 expense for our family in dining out. When we first began reading the cookbook, she did say she wished we could just go to the restaurant, we had an absolute riot making cucumber rolls, tamago, miso soup, and salad. When we finished, she declared it to be her favorite sushi and thought it tasted better than the restaurants,and, honestly, it did!

Saturday started out with us raking leaves. I'd decided to not use the landscaping company we usually use for fall cleanup. Living on a 1/2 acre of land this is quite an undertaking and I haven't found a leaf blower that I want to purchase on craigslist yet. I drew an imaginary line through the backyard, cutting the lot into 4 parts. Only two of the four areas really needed to be raked, where the trees are located, the other areas only have minimum amounts of leaves. Because of all the work we were putting into this project, when she decided she should jump into the leaves it was in a fairly controlled manner. She didn't want to spread the leaves all over the lawn again. If she hadn't participated in the work, I'm sure she wouldn't have considered this.

When we got to the last pile of leaves, we decided to make a girl scarecrow out of them. Alexis, my granddaughter, ran upstairs to find some clothes for her, returned with her jeans, a sweater and a belt. We stuffed the leaves into the arms of the sweater, put a long branch through the armholes, secured another branch from the head too the legs, and dressed her - stuffing everything with leaves. All we needed now was a head. Using a small, round, pillow and an old sheet, we secured the sheet over the pillow with a hair tie. Alexis painted a face on our scarecrow. We put a hat on her and set her on the porch! She looks wonderful. . . . . . and she was 100% free!

What I noticed was that each time we started a project, Alexis was excited, half way through the project, Alexis was bored, near the end of the project, Alexis was tired, at the completion of the project, Alexis was proud of herself. The result for both projects, the cooking and the leaves, was followed by a reward - the sushi and the scarecrow.

Until recently, I believe that I was the one who was be giving up before I get my "reward". In the past few months I've been forcing myself to complete projects and it really does feel great.

Later, Alexis wanted to do more art projects, she also wanted me to locate her an empty binder for her new pencil case from the bank. I recycled one of my old office binders, turned the divider tabs upside down so she had a clean set, and gave her a bowl of rubber cement, a pair of scissors, and some junk mail magazines.

Alexis began putting together a binder of pictures, fashions, and anything else she wanted to cut out. She spent a couple of hours working on this while I took some time to relax. Cost of project. . . .free.

Alexis spent 1/2 hour reading to me from Junie B. Jones. . . . We finished the day off by watching a movie together - "My Little Princess". This child was entertained the entire day, helped around the house, and made some beautiful art projects. I never felt I had to spend a penny. Remarkable!

Sunday we drove by the bank, delivered her card, and spent the afternoon at the library. I did break down on Sunday and bought a bag of grocery store bagels and picked up other items I was needing from the store for the week. Total cost incurred with granddaughter $1.50.

While we were out, my granddaughter took me by game stop. She had been telling me that she has a play station 2 at her dad's, but no games. She said they only cost $5 at game stop. I looked and listened as she showed me the games she thought were fun, I wrote down the titles in my palm (Christmas ideas), and we left the store - no complaining, no whining. Going in to the store I let her know I was only going to look. She respected the boundaries and was excited to share her knowledge of thrift with me. The games ranged in price from $2.99 to $14.99.

At one point during the weekend, I asked her a questions about money . . . . .

What do you know about money? I know how to count.
What is money? Its stuff that you can like buy groceries to help you survive.
Where does money come from? Pennies come out of copper. Money I think you make out of paper and paper makes out of trees.
Who makes the money? Don't know
How do you become rich? You have to have a really good job or business, and whenever you have a really good job it pays really good, and whenever you do something good to help your boss.

It's amazing that the last statement is something that we carry from childhood into adulthood. When I told Alexis that she didn't have to have a really good job that paid really good to be rich, she was surprised. It doesn't matter how much you make - it's how much you save.

$22,500 Reduction in Expenses

2007-10-11T12:56:00.000-04:00

GREAT NEWS!
We’ve chosen to save $144 per year by changing banks from Comerica to Michigan 1st.
We chose to save $2600 by cleaning our home ourselves.
We’ve chosen to save $2304 this year by putting together our own gym. Our $700 investment will be paid for within 3.5 months.
Husband decided to save $840 by purchasing clippers - (oops, he didn't use a mirror though- better luck next time) .
I found an Arabic market near my home that sells their produce for 60% less than chain grocery stores. This saves us about $2400 per year.
We’ve refinanced one of our homes! This saved us $12,000 per year in payments!
I've been doing my manicures and pedicures at home, this saves us $45 per month or $540 per year.
A cut and color costs $180 per visit. By performing these services at home we’ll save $1080 per year.
We’ve knocked off a minimum of $577 on the Direct Merchants credit card, at 29.9% interest, by agreeing to a six month payoff period, paying 1578 or the 2155 owed, eliminating additional interest payments and finance fees. Yup, it comes up on the credit report, however, I'll write the credit bureaus letting them know it was due to loss of business.

These items alone are saving us $22,485 each year, and, there are several other actions we've put into play to reduce our spending which I won't be able to put a price on until they show up on our utility bill, at the gas pump, and other.

Frightening Financial Agenda

2007-10-10T17:41:00.000-04:00

Over the past couple of weeks I've been researching to find out what our financial picture looks like. Today, since my husband and I are having a financial meeting, I put the complete picture together!

Using a newsletter template, I compiled and printed our volume one, issue one of "Jewel Financial'. We'll be putting together our mission statement by going through the team section at www.franklincovey.com/fc/library_and_resources/mission_statement_builder.Then we'll move into our agenda which we determined a couple of days ago. The agenda consists of reviewing October's buget, reviewing insurance coverages on auto, home, condo, and reviewing our banking selections.

In addition to the above, I've listed what we currently have in each of our accounts, as I've said in the past, we have a LOT of accounts between our two businesses and our household.

Next to our assets I've listed our long term expenses and our pending monthly expenses. This is the part that I wish I hadn't done though. I believe its too much information for a first meeting. I actually felt physically sick when I saw the bottom line numbers.

I ended up calling a prayer line for support because I was so frightened.

I still need to perform these same tasks for my business so I can see what's going on there. I know I have outstanding debts, but I don't know how much. I can think of several thousand off the top of my head though.

Currently we have access to $1,515. Our Credit and Loans total $37,000. Our Mortgage balance is $462,342. For a total of $499,342! (Later: Oops, I forgot to add in a $46,000 loan that we pay $1000 on per month. Next day later. . . . another $3000 construction debt past due to add to the bottome line. )

We owe 1/2 a million dollars!

Differing Financial Opinions

2007-10-10T00:34:00.000-04:00

My husband and I agreed to have a budget meeting tomorrow evening. This is a big commitment for both of us because neither of us likes to talk with each other about financial decisions, what to do with our money, how to spend it, how to save it, etc. We primarily don't like to talk about it because-its exhausting and, we don't agree.

We have two, extremely different financial styles and they collide at each conversation. Because of this neither of us handle the finances regularly, I pay the bills when due, or when past due or shut off, he ignores the finances completely.

In my mind, my husbands financial style is think about the short term. My style is to think about the long term. I prefer to feel the pain now for the payoff later.

One example that we can't agree on. . . . I drive a 2004 Expedition that I pay $635 per month on through my corporation, there is a balance due of $10,000. We also have a 1999 Windstar that has 150,000+ miles on it.

Because of my business, I need a large car for when materials need to be transported, but I do not have to drive a large auto all the time. We want to purchase a smaller auto without taking out a loan that I can drive on a regular basis and keep one of the cars for our second, less driven car.

Here's where the disagreements begin. . . . my husband wants us to sell the Expedition so that we can eliminate the $635 monthly payment. I want to sell the Windstar because its the oldest car and will last the shortest amount of time, and, because I've already invested $24,000 in the auto and I don't want to walk away from that investment.

Since I purchased it at the end of 2004, if I was to sell this car now, it would cost me over $8,000 a year to have driven the Expedition! If I keep it for a total of 10 years, it would cost me $3,400 per year and last until 2014.

If I sell the Expedition (husbands plan), I could pay off the $10,000 balance and make approximately $1,000. The Windstar would still be the secondary auto, because its too large to be a gas saver, and it will last approximately 2 more years, or 2009.

For him, the relief of eliminating the monthly payment of $635 is more important than anything. For me, having a reliable, long lasting auto in the end is most important.

In the meantime, we'll continue to build up a fund for this smaller car. Fortunately, this decision does not need to be made immediately.

For this budgetary meeting tomorrow evening, we've put together a fairly short agenda that will help my husband be brought up to speed on what's happening financially, and a couple of areas of cost savings/reductions that we need to discuss.

How I Saved Money Today

2007-10-07T02:20:00.000-04:00

The many ways I saved money today. . . . . . ..

. Used cruise control while driving, drove the speed limit.
. Left the lights turned off during the daytime and turned off lights behind my
daughter and her girlfriend. Only turned on lights as needed.
. Made a very large batch of chicken soup, froze 3 dinners worth.
. Cut up a large bowl of carrots and celery for nibbling on instead of other, more costly, foods.
. Made a large batch of hommus so that I and others will have plenty of foods to choose from when hungry. Having foods prepared saves by not stopping to get something to eat while out. I have small containers of fruits, vegetables, and nuts with me that I eat throughout the day. When I took two girls shopping this evening I made sure I ate before I went (when they saw me eating they started eating too), threw a few things in a bag and went out the door. When we got out of the mall we all grabbed a few snacks to hold us over for dinner.
. Made a large batch of rice. Again, same thought process. By me having large amounts of healthy, natural foods in the house there is never a need to stop and get something while we're out. Plus rice is reasonably priced. We can and do graze all day.
. Set a limit on my daughters birthday presents. She says she needs/wants a winter coat and a pair of jeans. Fortunately, I had $50 in gift certificates for the store she found her coat at! Also, she pushed me on the one pair of jeans by purchasing 3 pairs of jeans at very low prices. She began looking at other items though, and I was feeling the pressure, so I asked if she wanted the jeans she had in her hands, when she said yes I took them from her (nicely) - leaving the other items still in her hands and went to the cash register.
. Worked out in my new home gym. . . .saved gas and am not wasting the investment we made into this fantastic used gym equipment that we purchased on craigslist.
. Composted all the cuttings of today's foods preparing for next years garden.
. Chose not to offer my daughter money to go to the movies with her girlfriend.
. Contacted a modern furniture store to see if they were interested in purchasing several (30-40) light fixtures that I have new in box. (They are a holdover from my furniture store). I was told he was "very interested" and I'll wait to see if it happens before I get excited about it.
. Paid bills on-line and on time - saved on stamps and late fees.
. Began to put together a spreadsheet listing the costs of items at various stores and programming in the formula to reduce the price to cost per ounce. Its fascinating! My intention is to be able to know if I'm getting a good price, and also, when I hit a really good sale.

Setting Up An Emergency Fund

2007-10-05T14:39:00.000-04:00

At the end of last month my emergency fund was down to $191! I hope that I never allow that to happen again.

This month I'm trying an experiment. I'm going to be taking all income in excess of our salaries and placing it into an emergency fund. My goal is to get this fund up to approximately $1500.

So far, my father sent me a birthday check $75, my husband had an unexpected residual check $377, I requested money rather than a "reward" on my MBNA credit card $120. Another acting check for $450 came in. And its only the first week of the month!

I'm not certain that I'll be able to keep it up, but, I'm thrilled that we've had so much come in already. The account is back up to $1300 and I feel I can breathe a little bit easier. Because our house payments are $5000, and one of us is self employed, I feel like this account needs to be larger, but, $1300 is better than it was last week.

I've begun tithing again (I'm sure this has something to do with this added income), this is something I've done off and on for the past 15 years. Its been difficult for me to stick with it, but, I have always prospered incredibly when I am tithing.

One of the reasons I continued to stop and start is because I don't know what I'm making, I don't know what my husband is making since we have it set up on automatic deposit, I have bills coming out of my business account that are automatically paid and I'm not seeing the "income" as personal to tithe off of. Currently I am working out a system to be more aware of my income and this will give me to ability to tithe appropriately.

The other reason I stop and start is because sometimes I begin thinking that I'm not going to have enough, forgetting that God is my source! It drives me crazy when I begin to operate out of fear and not out of trust. Whenever I am not tithing I am always afraid, when I am tithing I am still sometimes afraid no matter how many times I've been shown prosperity. Without tithing I have no sense of hope, with tithing I know that God will provide.

I say a prayer of thanks when I write this tithe check, because I really am grateful for everything I've been given. I then send my tithe off with love and gratitude.

However,

Thinking Like a Tightwad

2007-10-04T23:47:00.000-04:00

After having signed out from the library books one and two of the Tightwad Gazette, I decided to purchased the hardback copy of the "Complete Tightwad Gazette; Promoting Thrift as a Viable Alternative Lifestyle" by Amy Dacyczyn.

Its hard to describe what this book has done for my thinking process regarding saving money. It makes the process of saving more of a game for me than a chore. I feel excited to save money. It's really a lot of fun. For my husband it seems he's feeling deprived, for me, I feel the opportunity to be creative and to prosper. I love the way my mind needs to analyze situations and their impact on the bottom lime. I recognize how on the surface it may appear I'm saving money, yet, in reality I may not be.

Today I ended up shopping at three different stores. We had run out of contractor bags and I didn't know where to purchase them. I didn't find contractor bags at the first store, but, as I was going through the store I thought I saw good prices on some of our regularly purchased items. However, I began to realize that unless I'm purchasing something on a weekly basis, I don't really know what a good price is for these items. I know what I usually pay for meats, fish, and produce, however, I don't know what I pay for other items like toilet paper, bleach, laundry detergent, etc.

I next went to Target, and, while I was there, I began to write down prices and ounces for things like laundry detergent, fabric softener, toilet paper, coffee, etc. I recorded prices for items that I buy on a regular basis. Again, no compactor bags.

Later I ended up at Kroger's. While there I wrote down the prices for the same items I wrote down the prices for at Target. By this time I'm beginning to realize that there are some substantial price differences between the three stores. Had I bought Bleach at Aco, I would have saved $1.00 per jug (sorry I don't know the ounces) . Had I bought 5 jugs I could have saved $5.00. But, since I don't know the price of bleach I didn't buy any.

Earlier in the day I had purchased ketchup at market because I believed $2.99 for 44 ounces was a really good buy. After seeing that Ketchup costs $2.19 for 36 ounces at Target I started to think it wasn't a great buy, but, it wasn't a bad one either. When I saw I could have bought 64 ounces at Kroger for the same $2.99 though I began to realize that I could save a bit of money if I'm aware of pricing.

When I actually did the math on that bottle of ketchup, Krogers ended up to be about .46 per ounce, the markets price worked out to .68 an ounce, and targets was .60 an ounce. I paid the highest price!

In the tightwad gazette the author recommends keeping a notepad with you and recording prices. When I first read that statement I thought that was ridiculous, then I found myself in a situation where it wasn't too outrageous for me to check on just a few prices. Now, I'll be taking a notebook with me so I can be more educated about what I'm spending my money on.

I'm not the type of person that would even consider shopping at all these different stores just to save a buck though! But, if, while I'm at the hardware store and I see a bargain I can at least know to buy it. Finally, since I don't plan on making a special trip to the hardware store, I can decide whether I want to buy the item in bulk because I KNOW it's a savings.

In the past my husband and I spent up to $1000+ per month for groceries. Because of all the changes I've made in the past few months, I have reduced this months budget to $400. Again, I'm not obsessed as to whether or not we make this budget, but I'd like to keep an eye on it so I can see the progress we're making.

Since changing our light bulbs, turning off lights when not in use, drying clothes on the clothes line (one of us is doing this), our electrical savings were 23% this past month.

I don't like rigidity, it sets up a situation where I feel deprived, so, rather than forcing myself to follow all these restricting rules, I'm allowing myself to create situations where I can succeed.

Setting Up a Household Budget

2007-10-04T01:13:00.000-04:00

In order for me to set up a budget I need to know how much I make and how much I spend. Right now. . . . I still have NO idea. Because I have no idea, I just keep striving to make more money. I truly have a black hole that I just pour all this money into, and, in the end, I still never really know if I've made enough, spent too much, or broke even.

Being self employed and taking care of both work and home finances has proven very difficult for me. After I lost my storefront to a flood, my routine changed, I moved out of my office and into my home. What worked at the storefront doesn't work at my home office. I don't have a secretary who performed a portion of the procedures for each payable and receivable. I don't have a consistent system at all.

Worse, while I used to invoice the client and purchase the product with their payment, I now pay whatever I can and hope there is money enough to order the product. Again, its those damn automatic payments! Rather than paying the bills when I have the money, they are automatically removing the money from my account.

I'm committed to building my emergency fund. I've set an initial goal of $1000. I feel terrified not having money to access in case of an emergency.

I do have $80,000 in a 401K fund, and, I've borrowed against it three times since losing my store. Once I borrowed $40,000 for the renovations on our condo (which was supposed to be my new office space), $50,000 to buy my husband five years of employment when he began working under a political appointee who makes his life (and mine) fairly miserable (a strange thing the state does for their employees, he can now retire 5 years earlier and there's no penalty from taking it from your 401k account), and the last loan was to make sure our home didn't go into foreclosure when our house payment exceeded $4000 per month - and we were 3 months behind.

I know its a horrible financial decision to borrow from this account, but, it was an emergency, I hadn't planned on losing my business and I had already gutted the condo. Many, many expenses from the business drained our financial resources completely. Yes, I had insurance, but it took me three years to collect. My insurance company was Hastings Mutual, and, since I can't say anything nice about them, I won't say anything at all.

In talking with my husband about finances it's pretty obvious that he and I have a different philosophy about how to save money. Its proven to be quite frustrating and our learning curve together is enormous. I'm certain this is part of the reason that he and I don't pay attention. Working on our financial picture together is painful. I do hope it gets easier because I'm getting too old for this. I need this to be the last time that we're going to be this out of touch financially.

It's Time I Start Christmas Shopping !

2007-10-01T22:00:00.001-04:00

About this time every year I start feeling the urge to begin my Christmas shopping!

Throughout the year I listen to what my kids offhandedly mention they want or need. One of my sons doesn't like to receive gifts. In the past I upgraded my used laptop, made candles with his favorite scent, and recently, for his birthday, I made dinners and froze them, gave him a large salad bowl that I learned he needed, bought him a water filterer that can be used in the wilderness, and I purchased a very nice sleeping bag (60% off!). He loved these gifts. He really keeps me on my creative gift giving toes.

My other son has expensive taste and is a bit more difficult to find gifts for. I bought a sweater on overstock.com last Christmas that I thought he might like (my kids know they can return anything they don't like without hurting my feelings) and it ended up being his favorite sweater - he wears it all the time. It was $250 reduced to $14!

Saturday my two sons and I took my granddaughter birthday shopping for a new bike. We went in on the bike. My oldest mentioned that she needed a helmet, which we hadn't budgeted for, but, it really is a necessity. I agreed to pay for that in addition to a half the price of the bike. My granddaughter has everything from her other side of the family. My side of the family is a bit in shock and overwhelmed by all the things she has. She owns every new video gaming system that comes out, many of the games, every dvd imaginable, etc. She's already difficult to buy for and she's only 9! It's awful.

While we were shopping though I heard my oldest say he needed a bike helmet too. He wasn't asking me for one, it was just mentioned in passing. The next time I was at my computer I pulled up my word document called Gift Ideas and added it to the list. Later, I mentioned to my youngest son that I was trying to find a punching bag on Craigslist for my new gym. His eyes lit up, "that's what I need! When I'm playing poker and feel like punching the wall I would love to have a punching bag that I could beat on!" Whoa, I heard that one! It went right onto the gift list and I'm already searching Craigslist for it.

My third (step) child is obsessed with clothes and fashion. Each year she receives a special hardcover book related to her favorite designers. Hopefully she's use these as resources for her college studies of fashion design. Again, here is another child who gets just about everything she wants, yet, her mother is broke. She can't hold a job, a residence, an auto (she parks it at her older daughters houses), yet my step daughter has a subscription to every fashion magazine, buys new clothes weekly and has more on layaway, and recently her and her mother "won" the opportunity to get electrolysis on their face for "only $1700"! It's just a bit too insane for me to comprehend. One of her favorite gifts from me a couple of years ago was a box of custom designed "fashion" business cards with her cell number and email address. I was able to put this together so easily it was surprising. This will be her first year receiving a "used, like new" fashion book - but I think its good for her and I doubt she'll even mind. She also collects crosses so I'll keep my eyes open for a unique, possibly vintage, cross.

By keeping my gift list, and listening throughout the year, I'm able to get gifts that I believe they truly will appreciate, I can purchase the gifts when I see them at the best prices, and I NEVER have to enter a shopping mall after Thanksgiving.

Caring for Myself: Shopping for Groceries

2007-10-01T21:38:00.000-04:00

Caring for Myself: Shopping for Groceries

Comparison Shopping

2007-10-01T21:08:00.000-04:00

I'm becoming a bit fascinated now with all the ways I can save money.

The most recent efforts I've made are. . . comparison shopped my auto insurance policies and learned I could be saving $520 a year by changing from esurance to progressive. I would, however, need to pay the full amount for 6 months which would be about $820 twice a year. Still, I'd be saving $520 a year! Add that $520 to all those other areas I've adjusted and I'm up to about $23,000 in savings a year! (Wow, I'm stunned at how much fat there's been in my spending)

Another area I've researched is my bank. I pay a lot in bank fees. I've applied for a free checking and savings account at Charter One and should be getting the paperwork in the mail shortly. This is a savings of approximately $120 per year or greater.

This is a riot - I love it! I want to find more areas to cut back on.

I've been so strapped financially lately that I don't have the $820 right now. I can, however, set that amount of money aside and just make it the next priority payment.

Right now I have about $200 in a savings account and about $80,000 in a 401K account. I have $13,000 in credit card debt and I own two homes with a balance owed of $470,000. I owe $10,000 to pay off my auto loan and I have a second car which is paid off. The auto loan is at a 0% interest rate so I won't be paying that off early. I also owe $12,000 in student loans which are at a 4.5% interest.

I know that as long as I can see what is going on financially for me than I will be able to get back on my feet. The biggest problem for my husband and I has been that we are completely out of touch with our bills and have no idea what we even need to make on a monthly basis to pay our bills.

Having once lived with very little I am actually looking forward to getting this situation turned back around. The way I got into this position is that I felt I needed to put everything on automatic because I needed to focus my energy on building my business. Well, I built my business and it was crazy prosperous, then, one day, almost everything was lost in a flood. For the next three years the insurance company played their games and essentially put me out of business.

Regardless of past circumstances, I find myself in a position where I am needing to reduce my monthly debts, increase my income, get an emergency fund in the bank, and eliminate my credit card debts.

Making Better Financial Choices

2007-09-28T16:30:00.000-04:00

I'm still wading through my financial maze. Things I've discovered are. . .

SITUATION: I paid $30 in bank fees this past August and $16 so far in September. This is only on our personal checking account. We have 3 accounts with this bank, 2 are business and 1 is personal. I'm sure the bank fees for business are higher than personal accounts.

SOLUTION: I'll transfer our personal checking account to a free checking account at Charter One Bank. My husband will need to stop direct deposit of his paycheck, I'll need to first determine what is paid automatically through this account, put those bills on a regular payment plan where I need to feel the money/transaction going through my hands. I'll also transfer our personal savings account to the same bank. I'll need to discuss with my accountant what needs to happen in order to transfer my business checking account to another bank. My accountant currently receives my statements (again, I have little idea what's going on), orders my checks, and takes care of everything pertaining to this account. My husband also has a business account at this bank, and, although I didn't see any charges on his last statement, I'm not certain as to why. I'm sure he has bank fees also.

SITUATION: We give our kids $1000's of dollars each year in gifts. This really isn't something we can afford to continue doing though. One of our sons is doing an internship right now and has no time for a paying job. That would be pretty much the only situation where assistance is necessary.

SOLUTION: Have talked with two of the kids regarding the reduction of our gift giving. Because I collect piggy banks, I also am a change saver. We'll take all of the change from these banks once a year and use it towards our christmas gift giving.

SITUATION: I am unaware of how much we pay for utilities, auto insurance, even one of our house payments! Because I have so much on automatic, its caused me to be completely out of touch with what is going on financially.

SOLUTION: Get everything off of automatic payment. Begin to use cash for daily purchases, consciously pay bills needing to be paid through online bill pay (free service at Charter One), get in touch with my money. Find out where we're spending our money and determine if that is where we actually want it spent.

I'm committed to creating a system of debt reduction and financial responsibility.

Shopping for Groceries

2007-09-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

Well, today I did it. I began looking at the sale prices on groceries as if I would be eating, washing my hair, blowing my nose, etc. for a long period of time.

What do you do when the sign says 10 for $10? Do you buy 10? Do you think you must buy 10 to get the sale price? Do you check to see if a $1 for the item is the best deal?

In the past, I did not buy 10 items, I don't believe I must buy 10 of the items although my husband does, and, I just assumed that the $1 was the best deal. Not anymore.

I found some items on sale that were actually more expensive than the larger sized item. I decided to go ahead and fill my cupboards with the sale priced items. Tonight I spent $117 at Krogers, applied for a discount card since my husband has ours, when I checked out at the register my receipt indicated that I had saved $53.00! That's pretty amazing considering that each item I purchased was something that we either eat on a regular basis, or we will be using for our personal hygiene.

Since I've been shopping weekly at an arabic grocery store, I haven't been to the larger stores in over a month. I love that I don't have to go to the larger stores every week now. My husband and I have a fairly consistent eating plan that I believe we both really enjoy. My problem are the additional trips that I've been making to drugstores so I can get my m&m fix. When I say m&m fix, I'm saying a large, 21 ounce bag of them. Definately an addiciton that I'm going to have to deal with.

Financial Blogs

2007-09-24T10:16:00.000-04:00

Reading financial blogs is changing the way I think about money.

When I was younger, a single mom, a full time college student and always struggling to have enough money for my families survival, I was creative regarding money. I'm now older, own a couple of homes, a new car, and more and I've been less creative. Its as if I set my sites on creating a situation of wealth, attained it, and eliminated the tools and techniques I used to get me here.

What I've discovered by revisiting being financially conservative is that I actually enjoyed the process of creativity that was required when I had little money. Certainly having little money was not fun, it was frightening at times when I didn't know where the rent money would come from, however, just add a few more dollars on the amount of rent due and the feeling of fear is still there for me. It may just not be as obvious because its hidden behind a big home on a large piece of land.

I'm looking for that creative spark again. Finding ways to cut back our expenses actually seemed to enliven both my husband and I and woke up our minds. I'm wanting to reduce my debts! I intend on owning at least one home in my life that is paid for. I'm looking forward to knowing what it's like to live a financially responsible and orgainized life again.

The past several years I haven't been paying attention too much to my bills, I've put them all on automatic and wasn't even aware of them. I don't know how much I pay for my electricity, heat, water, auto insurance, etc each month. I don't recognize when a bill has gone up without my being aware of the increase.

My goal is to know where my money is going and then to consciously make the decision if that is where I want my resources to go. I'm willing to learn how much I'm paying for these services and to keep track of how I can reduce the amount I'm currently paying. After all I could certainly use the money more than AT&T or the electric company right now.

Reducing our Debts

2007-09-18T18:59:00.000-04:00

My husband and I are working on getting our monthly expenses reduced and increasing our income. We're preparing to post our condo for rent, looking at used small cars, putting an art collection up for sale, etc.

Amazingly, this past month, we cut our expenses in several areas and so far are saving over $21,000 per year! Now if I could only get this low enough so I can retire LOL.

Here's a breakdown of how we achieved this:
Cleaning People $ 2400 per year
Gym Membership $ 2400 per year
Refinance Home $12000 per year
New Grocery Market $ 2400 per year
Clippers for Haircuts $ 840 per year
Manicures/Pedicures at Home $ 540 per year
Dye own hair $ 900 per year

Fairly minor expenses will be incurred in order to eliminate the expense completely , ie. purchase clippers $34, purchase used gym equipment for a home gym (currently in process), etc.

Change of Plans

2007-08-30T22:34:00.000-04:00

Well, I've dropped my architectural classes and taken the steps I need to take to arrange to have the hysterectomy.

I don't really want to write because I'm feeling pretty let down by this. I realize that it'll all work out in the end, I even realize that something good is going to come out of this, however, my hopes were so high that I need to accept that I had a long way to fall.

A difference that I see in my behavior that I may, actually, would not have done in the past, is that I am eating healthy and exercising daily. So, while I do feel down, I am committed to taking care of myself too. Because of these choices that's I'm making it'll be easier for me to get through the emotions that I'm feeling and then be able to spring back up (rather than crawl).

One important change I have made recently is that I have eliminated a medication that I've been on for the past three years. My doctor has had my on two anti-depressants, one for depression and another for anxiety. I recently weened myself off of one of the them and I'm doing really well. Yes, I feel down about school, but its a more natural down rather than a deep depression, nor am I feeling much anxiety. Hmmmm. . . .

Alcoholic Relapse

2007-08-28T07:12:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my son came over and informed me that his father had relapsed on alcohol and smoking. He was, of course, very upset. First his dad offered him a beer, and when he said "sure", his dad ordered one for himself also. My son was stunned. Twenty years ago my ex husband stopped drinking, six years ago he stopped smoking. His drinking stopped when he lost his job and was given the ultimatum of rehab to get his job back. His smoking stopped when he was hospitalized with a collapsed lung. It's taken an awful lot to get this man to respond.

Personally, I believe Rick, my ex, has been given his warnings. I believe he's choosing to ignore those warnings. Finally, I believe that he's not going to get any more warnings but that he is going to kill himself.

I have never seen a worse drunk than my ex husband and I have been in AA and sober for sixteen years myself. I just don't think he's gonna make it back.

I'm sure there are going to be blessings from this experience for my two sons, but right now its difficult to see. My youngest has the tendency to become addicted to mood altering vices. Hopefully, he will witness why it's important to take care of yourself and not become attached to things that are destructive.

My very best right now is to pray for all of them and hope that their father really can find recovery, and/or my youngest will find it also. My oldest son has belonged to alanon for a couple years now and has changed his life.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would rate my relationship with my family as an 8. In order for it to be a 10 I, myself would be going to alanon meetings, and I would be making an effort to have family dinners.

Health vs. Education

2007-08-24T21:31:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty upset about the results I received from my doctor regarding my blood tests. My hemoglobin is at 8.4 right now and she is recommending that I get a hysterectomy. This doctors opinion is the fourth opinion I've received on this.

I was supposed to start school next week. I won't be able to handle school and a hysterectomy in the same semester. Recovery time is approximately six weeks and I would either need to do it now or when school breaks for the winter. I don't know what to do. I want to start school so badly and I'm afraid that if I don't start school this semester that I'll never go back to school. Right now my schedule is such that I believe I could handle school and my part time career. I'll pray on this and see what guidance I receive. I won't make a decision until I feel certain that I am being shown what I need to do. Actually, it was through prayer that I was shown to go back to school. Why would a hysterectomy come up at the same time?

I have been following the body for life workout program for the past week and the eating plan given to me by my doctor. I actually am feeling pretty good too. The hypnosis session to eliminate my sugar cravings seems to have taken. I stopped eating sugar on August 9th and I'm enjoy carrots and fruits instead. I still listen to the cd each day/evening and am practicing the self hypnosis techniques I was shown. So far its working out great.

THURSDAY - Balancing Career and School

2007-08-23T07:44:00.000-04:00

As I've mentioned several times throughout this blog, I'm about to begin graduate school and work towards a degree in Architecture. School begins next Wednesday and as of yet I have not gotten an answer regarding my financial aid/student loan. Needless to say, I'm concerned.

Having been a young, wild, irresponsible teenager who barely made it to high school graduation, I find it amazing that I am going for my Master's degree! A part of me doesn't believe that I can/will succeed, yet, the ambitious side of me knows that I can and will succeed.

I'm a bit concerned about maintaining my business, making enough of a living to pay our bills, and attending school. I'm concerned about a 7 credit studio class in my first semester. I'm worried that I won't be able to keep up or that the college is allowing me to waive some classes based on my prior studies. Its been 13 years since I've been in school.

I'm 47 years old and I'm not in least worried about being the oldest student in the class. I don't really care about that, and, believe I have the advantage. I retain information better than I used to, I recognize what's important where as before I didn't really know. I can focus better now than in my past, I schedule more reasonably and honestly, I recognize and appreciate the value of this education. I am excited, frightened, and thrilled to be going back to school. I feel blessed to be able to.

MONDAY - Romantic Love

2007-08-21T12:02:00.000-04:00

I've held off on this one and put it in draft mode for several days. For me, right now, the most romantic behavior I can show is to be supportive, accepting and non- judgemental.

My husband and I have been married for nine years and have known each other for twelve. Unfortunately, when you know someone for a long period of time it becomes easier to get into some behavioral habits that aren't kind, healthy, supportive or loving.

Recently I made a choice to stop reacting when I don't approve of something he says or does. I'm working on shutting my mouth and just trying to listen to him. This is not an easy task for me. I'm an outspoken person while he is a more guarded person.

The more resentments I'm carrying around, the more critical and outspoken I am. I'm working on my thought process regarding resentments and it is helping me greatly to be more accepting.

Right now, this is what romance is to me. I am creating a more gentle, loving environment for my husband and I to relate in and I have seen a more loving, appreciative husband as a result.

SUNDAY is Spirituality

2007-08-19T10:25:00.000-04:00

I had planned to go to the Buddhist temple this morning, however, I ended up sleeping in later than intended. While my hypnosis cd may be getting through to my subconscious, its also affecting my sleep. I need to change the time when I listen to the cd.

Spirituality is kind of touch and go for me, although it is something that I value highly. On a scale of one to ten I would rate this a seven. Someday's I'm centered and in communication with God, others I have no idea where I am in relation to God.

Today, in order for me to stretch my spirituality, I commit to relying on God all day. I will rely on God for direction, inspiration, guidance, and love. I will continue to bring myself to God. One thing I can do would be to set an alarm for every hour and bring my mind to God. Another step I might take is to hold onto my rock so that I can continuously be aware of God. In the end, my goal is to stay as close with God as I am able to today. I'm not perfect, which means their are incredible amounts of room for improvement.

Finally, I will look for God today - I will see God today.

Saturday Entertainment

2007-08-18T15:10:00.001-04:00

Creating space for fun and entertainment is one of my most difficult areas. I rarely understand what it is I find fun to do and I don't know why this is. What is fun? What is entertaining? If I had to rate this area on a scale of one to ten I'd have to say its at about a two. I'm rating it so low because I generally don't do "fun" things. My focus is usually on work or relaxation. Certainly relaxation is fun to me, sitting in silence for hours is fun for me, but it's certainly not entertaining. It's quite limiting.

I'd love to hear from others what and where they find fun and entertainment in their lives. Is it possible I don't understand the concept?

Today I will stretch myself to discover what is fun and entertaining to me. I'll post what I find at the end of the day.

Well, I tried a few new things today to see if I found them entertaining or fun.

Hung out at Borders Book store and looked at some art, fashion, and exercise books.
I packed a lunch for a picnic, ate some in my car, some on the nature trails.
I went to the very short nature trails by my home.
I watched a comedy movie on television
I spent the day in silence, peacefulness, and contentment.
I drove around and looked at landscaping I enjoyed.
I played around with space planning for a friends loft.
I made myself and incredible salad for dinner that I enjoyed very much.

In all honesty, I felt like I was pressuring myself to find something fun. I was disappointed that I wasn't really able to. What I enjoyed most about this day was the peace and quiet and the healthy foods that I prepared for myself. Going to the book store and to the nature trails were new things I was trying to see if they were fun. I was thinking that fun and entertainment meant that I needed to "do" something. What I learned today is that fun and entertainment is not necessarily something outside of me, I can be fun and entertained just by enjoying a day alone.

I'm going to raise my rating of fun from the two that I thought it was earlier to an eight. I feel so content this evening, spiritually centered, loving, and peaceful. That's fun!

SETTING MY GOALS

2007-08-17T14:24:00.000-04:00

I need to know where I'm going and I won't know if I've gotten there unless I've claimed where and what it is I want to actually create in my life. I'd like to have my goals be as concrete as possible, again, so I know if I've reached them. I will set goals for the seven areas of my life that I believe take all of my focus. My spirituality, romantic relationship, family & friends, my finances, health, career & education and entertainment or having fun. My intention is to create a balance in these areas to the best of my ability and in this lifetime.

SPIRITUAL - To create a personal relationship with God. To learn to trust God with my life. To study religions and learn how others have developed their relationship with God. To look for God every day.

ROMANTIC - Talk kindly. Encourage. Overlook slights and faults. Develop my affectionate side. Be affectionate. Receive affection. Initiate sex. Plan a romantic get away. Plan a romantic evening. Act loving. Show signs of appreciation.

FAMILY - Call Dustin weekly. See Dustin monthly. Plan a family dinner every 2 months. Call Alexis. Do Multiplication with Alexis. Call Derek to see how he's doing. See Derek as successful, happy, prosperous. Make sure that I see Mercedes at least one time per month. Be kind to my father. Call my father once every 2 weeks. Write emails to my father weekly. Call Jeanne and Tim to get together. Meet Anne and Kevin half way for dinner. Do a monthly family email.

FINANCE - Refinance both of our homes to reduce our monthly payments. Apply for the hardship loan. Save 10% of our income. Tithe 10% of our income to wherever we are spiritually fed. Maintain the daily cash logs for both Richard and I. Create new avenues for income. Pray to learn about my financial health in a safe way. Follow the guidance that I am shown to take to the best of my ability.

HEALTH - Create and follow a schedule to go to the grocery store, the fish market, and the Arabic market. Follow the eating plan prescribed by Dr. Paz's office. Set up an exercise program and follow it - make the commitment and stay on schedule. Prioritize exercise. Make doctors appointments as they are needed and show up for those appointments.

CAREER/EDUCATION - School starts next week and I have not determined how I am going to maintain my business and go to graduate school at the same time. Write down my weekly schedule of classes. Follow up on the financial aid.

ENTERTAINMENT/FUN - Plan a night out to the movies. Set up sewing machine in upstairs bedroom and begin working on cashmere blanket project. Walk the labyrinth at the Healing Arts Center. Go to garage sales and find modern furniture to furnish the condo. Staying home and reading a book. Shopping for incredible deals. Spend time outdoors

Today I Choose HEALTH

2007-08-17T11:12:00.000-04:00

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would have to rate where I am at in regards to my health at about a 6. In order for this number to be a 10 I need to increase my hemoglobin, recover from a cold, eat according to the eating plan prescribed to me, follow up with my doctors appointments, make a commitment to an exercise regime, and create a balance in my daily schedule.

What I am doing today to improve my health:

Scheduled a follow up appointment with my doctor to review a medication that is not working and contributing to my problems with anemia.
Began a program to eliminate one of my anti-depressant medications.
Scheduled a mammogram appointment.
Listened to my hypnosis tape this morning to help me overcome an addiction to sugar and sugar cravings.
I am making a commitment to the Body for Life workout program. I've printed up the workout forms, put it in my food journal folder, and went to the gym.
I was larger than my cravings today.

Life's Balancing Act

2007-08-17T10:40:00.000-04:00

These are specific areas in my life that I am always going to want to improve on. These areas include; SPIRITUAL, ROMANCE, FRIENDS and FAMILY, FINANCIAL, CAREER/EDUCATION, HEALTH, and FUN.

If I was to rate where I am at in each of these areas on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, I would then know what areas are needing the most work to help me live my best life and maybe be my best person.

Each day I plan to focus on one of these areas as the primary and the remaining areas as a secondary. I believe this will help me keep in check with myself, and, also give me a week to come up with some solutions to make the following week more positive.

The breakdown will be as follows:

Sunday - Spiritual Monday - Relationships Tuesday - Friends/Family
Wednesday-Financial Thursday - Career/Educ. Friday - Health
Saturday - Entertain

I'll rate each category between 1 and 10, with 1 being in need of great change and 10 being the most fantastic.

This of course means that I am going to need to put together goals for each area so that I will know what it is that I am wanting to achieve and whether or not I am on the path to achieving those goals.

Since I've been focused so much on food, I realize that there are so many other areas that are needing my attention. With food someday's I fail, some days I succeed. The more days I succeed, the closer I am to my goals (not yet determined). The more days I fail, the more help and/or loving attention I am needing to give that area of my life. Its about balance, being out of balance, getting into balance and winding road between.

I'd love to hear from others about how they are taking care of themselves and what is working best for them.

CFM - Day 27

2007-08-16T07:39:00.000-04:00

Getting nervous about school starting and whether my student loan is going to go through or not. I'm told paperwork wise everything's fine, but I still haven't been awarded anything.

I also have to get a hardship loan from one of our retirement accounts so that our home loan can be brought current.

I've thought about the hybrid car we were planning to purchase and even though it will save me money for today - its still adding $20,000 to my bottom line of debt. I'd rather pay off my current car while saving for a smaller (hybrid?) car. Because of my work I'll always need a larger car to transport furniture and things so we might as well keep the one. It'll be paid off within 14 months, its a 0% interest. The new car would have a lower payment, but, it would be for a hell of a lot longer. I believe that my husband and I need to stop borrowing from tomorrow and begin to live within what we have. I also believe that saving for something will help us place more value/respect on the item. To be handed the keys to a car and than have to pay for it for the next five years isn't fun - its like a tie around your neck. You lose your choices about what you can do with that car. Really - its not even my car until that last payment is made. The bank owns that car. So, I've just saved us $20,000 in new debt. I plan to put together a list of our debts so that I can know what's going on.

I listened to the hypnosis cd at about 6am, really while I was sleeping. I put it on continuous play and have no idea how many times it played over. I can however already tell there has been some small changes that are going on in my head and I am so excited to be going back. I wish I had done this sooner - but - I must not have been ready for it. Other things I want to work on: exercise, maybe body image, self esteem, possible block to learning math, etc.

Followed my eating plan today, again had cravings for sugar and was worried because I needed to go to the store for some medications. I ended up "consoling" myself by purchasing two bags of goldfish. The first bag was good, extra cheddar. The second bag is dry and doesn't really taste like much.

Went to the gym for a 40 minute cardio.

CFM - Day 26

2007-08-15T18:05:00.000-04:00

Started my morning by listening to the hypnosis cd. Felt kind of tired and moved in slow motion this morning. Went to clients, had to hang out for a couple hours doing nothing while waiting for contractors to complete their work. Again, felt tired, antisocial, awkward, didn't want to entertain my clients dramas.

Had a shake this morning, packed nuts for the road, had another shake before running out the door to my clients since it was so close to lunch time. While at my clients instead of eating the nuts I packed first, I made myself another shake believing it was my second shake of the day. I did this same thing yesterday also. Very odd.

I'm drinking a lot of water today, and it does taste fantastic! Also, the meal I made for myself last night was so wonderful that I made another one this evening. I should probably add some shrimp to it though so I can stay close on my program

This evening I had problems with sugar cravings and wanted to go out and get some m&m's. I ended up grabbing some tangerines instead. What was great was that ususally when I begin to get into the craving I'm not able to get my mind off of it for very long. I rarely have the thought of something else to take the place of the craving. It was an aha moment to think the thought of the tangerines.

Actually almost craving water. hmmmm

Finally, again had a craving for that elusive "something" and decided to make put together the remaining items on my food plan. It was late so I wasn't overly excited about cooking, but, I had 6 oz of shrimp, and cooked onions and tomatoes in the remaining 4 tsp of oil.

Didn't work out today and I have it my schedule for tomorrow. I'll go after I get out of my second doctors appointment - early evening.

CFM - Day 25

2007-08-14T18:53:00.001-04:00

Had a shake with 1 tsp of flax seed oil this am. Packed 1/8 cup of nuts. Had another shake about 2:00 just before heading to my doctors appointment. Ate the nuts after the appointment.

At my doctors suggestion, I planned to see a hypnotist regarding my sugar addiction. At the end of the workday I reluctantly went in for the appointment. It ended up being a fantastic session. left with a new assignment; listening to a hypnosis cd for the next 21 days. I'll add that to my goals at www.joesgoals.com and track it. I can honestly see where this type of therapy could be extremely affective. Other than a few coughing fits during the session, I was able to stay in the hypnotized state.

The suggestions made during hypnosis were that I would see sugar as just another object, that I would prefer the sugar of fresh fruits and vegetables, that I would prefer the taste of water to sugary tasting drinks. At one point it was stated that I would feel repulsed by sugary foods, they would taste almost sickening, they would taste 10 times sweeter.

I have done group hypnosis in the past specifically for weight loss but it just didn't take. This session was quite different than the group one though. Her voice fluctuated a lot, I could actually feel what she was saying in my chest. Also, at times she said things that weren't how they are stated in proper english. Fortunately she warned me of this ahead of time so that I wouldn't get caught up on it.

When I came home from hypnosis I was far over the amount of time I should have allowed between meals. I was hungry and wanted to just grab something and veg out in front of the tv. What I ended up doing though is preparing a healthy snack/meal of hommus (my legume), veggies with 3 tsp of oil and wheat pita bread. It tasted fantastic and I felt like I was just grabbing something and vegging out. It felt almost effortless to make that healthy treat.

I missed some of my foods today, I ended up having a 3rd shake today in error, but, since I missed foods its probably for the better.

Snacking on grapes in bed and preparing to listen to the cd.

I weighed in at 170 today.

CFM - Day 24

2007-08-14T09:40:00.000-04:00

I can tell my hemoglobin has dropped and I am becoming out of breath too easily and I am also overly tired. Damn. I am frustrated with having this problem. I really want it solved. It seems like each time I become aware that I am not falling asleep in the daytime, feeling more energetic than I have in years. . . . I start bleeding heavily and lose the energy. This is such bullshit.

Met with my client today, it was almost more of a social meeting than anything. I'm really trying to get this project rolling, or getting momentum under the rolling and sometimes it goes well other times not so well.

I ate okay today, not great though. I've been tracking my eating on www.joesgoals.com. My exercise has stopped again and I have no desire to start up again. Why? Why? Why will I not get this one? What is blocking me from the exercise routine? When I was skinny, about 115 pounds, I had no problem getting to the gym a few times a week. It felt good, I felt good going, I enjoyed. Now, 50 pounds heavier, I almost refuse to go, I resist it, I fight it, I ignore it and I refuse to put it on my schedule. In the past I didn't even need to put it on my schedule, I just stopped in in the evening hours and put in an hour. It was lovely. Since I moved from that gym I have always had to force myself. What's the deal.

When I start school next week I plan on changing gyms again. Its my goal to go to the gym at the college either before, between or after class. I may be trying to recreate my first experience at college - which was fabulous, but I realize its not recreatable unless I pay down my home by about $250,000.

CFM - Day 23

2007-08-14T09:34:00.000-04:00

Out of bed at 6am to take husband to airport. Getting up at odd hours seems to really mess with my day. Returned from airport went back to bed, couldn't sleep, too tired to get up though. ended up playing on the computer and falling asleep at noon. Back up at 2:30 to get ready to go to my sons for dinner. Dinner was very healthy, met all my needs on the plan and I didn't even have a craving to eat ice cream for dessert - even though they were begging me to try it.

I again had the craving to eat sugar on the drive home from Lansing, about 1.5 hours drive. I resisted the urge and made it through another day without eating sugar! Fantastic!

Still have a cold, still having too heavy of a period, am feeling the beginnings of the anemia again. Need to call the doctor and get my medication changed. I'm on this medication because I do not plan on getting a hysterectomy and am searching for another means of correcting the problem without having to go to the extremes of surgery.

I start school in 2 weeks and am getting both nervous and excited. Hopefully my student aid will come through in time, if not I'll have to pay the dues from another source.

CFM - Day 22

2007-08-11T09:56:00.000-04:00

Didn't go to bed until 3am last night, woke up at 9:30. I'm going to stay on my eating and exercise program today, hang out with my husband, be nice, and just take care of myself. We plan on going to the gym together and going downtown to the Eastern Market.

Its 1:30 and I've only had a shake, a tsp of oil, and 1/8 cup of nuts. Need to get off my ass and do something.

By the end of the day I have eaten all my foods according to plan. I didn't work out because of very heavy bleeding (obviously my medicine to completely stop this is not working).

Tonight I wanted to eat something with sugar, it kept talking to me from the back of my mind. At one point I decided to run to the store and I felt like I wanted to get sugar. As I was walking out the door I started thinking about how bad I feel the day after I eat a bunch of sugar, actually I recognized that it was going to screw me up for about three days after I ate it only to start the cycle all over again. I didn't want to feel like that. This is a MAJOR victory for me. The agreement I made with myself instead was that I could have something that was not on the plan for a snack food, but that it needed to be something without sugar.

I struggled while at the store, but I felt the decision and determination to follow the plan. I looked at trail mix, but I didn't want to load up with that many calories and the dried fruits have a lot of sugar. I looked at nuts, but again, the calories are so high for the size snack I wanted. I decided on those gold fish crackers, one because I like them, and secondly because I can eat 60 of them and only take on 130 calories. I'm so proud of myself for coming up with this solution.

I actually heard myself going through the denial conversation in my head, "well, I just want to get some m&m's, it'll be okay, I can have them." When I heard that lie playing in my head I wanted to laugh/scoff at it. "Your never going to stop this if you don't stop now, just give it up. Get over it. Its over. You don't want the hangover, the cravings, the problems. Just stop."

CFM - Day 21

2007-08-10T09:37:00.000-04:00

Did not set an alarm this morning, woke up at 8:30 am. Felt dizzy and disoriented, unstable on my feet. Not sure if having a reaction to medicine or not. I'm taking 24 hour allergy and cough medicine.

Anyway, I'm going to force, make, push, whatever myself to get back into action today. I'm feeling much better and I need to take some action steps with myself and my business. Its been many days since I've been to the gym and I'm wanting to get a workout in. Have a date with my husband this evening also since he'll be going out of town for a week beginning Sunday.

Word of warning/reminder to self: in the past when my husband goes out of town, my food goes downhill. I have a tendency to not take care of myself. I do not want this to happen this time and I will take the steps necessary to insure that this doesn't. One thing I can do is to make sure my refrigerator is stocked with foods from my eating plan. I can cut up vegetables in advance so that they are ready for me to just grab. I can make dishes and freeze them so I can pull them out when I'm ready to eat. The bottom line is that I need to make a plan for myself and my self care.

Also, since we gave the cleaning pe0ple notice, I need to figure out a way and/or schedule for my husband and I to clean our home.

Finally, I'm wavering on whether or not I should take a math class in addition to the two architecture classes I'm taking. I'm concerned that if I don't take a math class I'll put myself behind in the architecture program. On the other side, I'm afraid that I'll be taking on too many classes. Hmm. Since I'm 50/50 on this issue, I'll flip a coin and see what I should do.

I did well with my food today. I ate all of the portions I should have, I went over on hommus and grain, BUT, I didn't eat anything with sugar, I maintained my blood sugar levels and I was able to overcome a mild mental sugar craving. Worked out on the elliptical for 30 minutes and did 15 minutes of abs.

Still fighting with husband though. We seem to be stuck in this battle regarding criticism and taking care of yourself. I'm not sure how it'll turn out, but it does seem to be getting better. Hopefully we're picking up some useful tools or information along the way so we can better maneuver our way through this issue. Mine, I need to get softer, his, he needs to toughen up.

I believe I need to start attending Overeaters Anonymous again to deal with my eating problem. Hmmmm

CFM - Day 20

2007-08-09T12:19:00.000-04:00

A little better of this am. I'm not loaded up with sugar so my emotions are leveller than they have been. I did cancel my appointments for this morning because I'm really not up to them today. I'm planning to stay home and take care of paperwork and take care of myself.

I've arranged to have both of my houses refinanced, they are both in the process of the applications now. I've contacted the University I'll be attending later this month to check up on my financial aid. I've been placing my clients orders so things are getting caught up better. I'm also working with companies so that I can generate an income over the next couple of months. I'm applying for a hardship loan from a contribution program from my husbands work in order to bring the main house payment current. I'm stressing out about not shopping on the internet, its really hard for me not to! We've given the cleaning service a 30 day notice, and my husband needs to get to the new gym so we can put in a notice at our old gym also.

I'm writing about these financial issues because I believe they are related to how I take care of myself and to my eating patterns.

I did much better with my eating today. I missed 2 tsp's of oil and 1 protein. I think that's fantastic after how I've been eating though. Feeling better this evening and plan to return to work tomorrow.

I finished the evening off with going over on my fruits - I had an extra 2 or 3 servings of grapes. I think I'm only supposed to eat 12 grapes as a serving, so I had at least 36 grapes.

Just read an article about sugar, they referred to it as "extremely addicting", I certainly know that is true. In the article they recommended using stevia. I do have some packets in the house and I can try this. What I believe I need to do though is completely eliminate sugar from my eating plan. The problem, or what I am afraid of is the results of removing it completely from my diet. I'm afraid I'll go on a 6 month binge of sugar or something.

I stopped drinking about 15 years ago. I never have a drink. I have little desire for a drink (only when I'm not dealing with my anger), and I know that if I have a drink I'll probably go off the deep end. Because I'm so self conscious in front of others this helps me to not drink. However, I don't have those same fears with sugar. I can't seem to just give up sugar because its not good for me. I don't care enough about myself for that to happen. It seems like I can give up an addiction for others, rarely for myself though. Hmmmmmm...... I do want to stop this sugar situation.

Something I heard altered to relate to my situation: "Every time you say yes to that binge, you say no to health, wellness, and goodness in your life. Every time you say no to that binge, you say yes to your life"

CFM - Day 19

2007-08-09T12:16:00.000-04:00

Woke up at 4:30 am, obsessed about the remaining M&M's! Waited until my husband got out of bed to go get them and bring them back to bed with me. This is really sad. I know that if it was a bottle of liquor I could say "I'm a drunk" and get help, but, this is a bag of m&m's - who would believe that this is such a problem. Once my mind is stuck in the obsession there seems to be no way for me to get off it.

Other foods I ate today, grapes, about 2 pounds, sushi, a protein shake, miso soup, teas. Still feeling sick and hoping to feel better in the am. No exercise today.

CFM - Day 18

2007-08-09T12:10:00.000-04:00

Stuck at home with a cold and fever. Foods way off - so far off I'm not even going to bother. Incredibly, I tried all day to overcome my sugar cravings, but, at 8pm I ended up going out and getting 2 14 oz bags of peanut m&m's. What a druggie!? I could not stop myself and didn't or don't have enough tools in place to get outside help to stop me. This is ridiculous. Of course, the sugar is going to, in the end, make me feel worse. I know this and I don't have enough to stop this on my own. I hate this part of me. I ate the 1 14 oz bag and than part of the 2nd bag.

CFM - Day 17

2007-08-06T14:13:00.000-04:00

Set alarm for 7am, got up at 8:15. Had a 9am appointment though so was rushing around to get ready. Had a shake, packed a shake, a peach, a pear, and 1/4 cup of nuts. Forgot my lunch though. Damn. Oh well, went to my meetings, didn't take a lunch break, and now I've returned home feeling weak, and tired. I've eaten the lunch I packed and am hoping to regain some energy soon. My son and his girlfriend are on their way over to visit and I'm needing energy. I'll grab a cup of coffee and see if that helps me at all.

CFM - Day 16

2007-08-05T19:48:00.000-04:00

I have a sore throat today and am not feeling to well. Husband and I sat down and made some financial decisions together. 1. Take our home off the market. 2. Pay the balance past due (about $15,000) from our retirement account 457. 3. Rent out our condo on the detroit river. 4. Have a garage sale next weekend. 5. Do an inventory of our artwork and sell it at a local gallery. 6. Reduce our current monthly expenses by appx $1000. 7. Husband to check out a different gym (we pay $200 month) that charges $50 month, I will go to the gym at the college I'll start attending later this month - free. 8. Stop the cleaning service for $200 a month. 9. I have to cut out my internet clothes shopping (appx $500 month). There's $850. 10. Possibly get rid of cable $100 month. 11. Husband to cut his own hair with #2 saving $70. 12. Cut coupons 13. Use less electricity (I leave a LOT of lights on) 14. Cut down on our gas use - double and triple up where we're going. 15. Trade in one of our cars for a smaller car. 16. Cut back on eating out $200 a month. 17. Refinance both of our houses (? savings)

I think by us taking these steps husband and I can get some of the stress off of us a

CFM - Day 15

2007-08-04T20:37:00.000-04:00

Off the plan completely today. Was up until 3am fighting with husband and felt hungover and drugged this morning. Emotionally hungover. Went to dentist before I had anything to eat, went to grocery store with the intention of eating sugar, bought sushi, nuts, oatmeal raisen cookies (12 oz), m&m's (12 oz), hommus, and wheat crackers. Came home, took the sushi, cookies and m&m's up to bed and have been in bed the ENTIRE day. Its now 8:30 pm and I have not gotten out of bed. I'm full, I feel sick, I am actually laying on my stomach on an angle because my stomach is too big and full to lay directly on it. Yuck. Don't want to exist. Don't want to make any effort. Don't want to be responsible for myself right now. I just want to disappear. I feel depressed.

CFM - Day 14

2007-08-03T09:17:00.000-04:00

Today I didn't set an alarm and I woke up at 8:30. I have a fairly open day today, many things I could be doing, nothing I have to be doing. I'll be focusing on my own house today though. Our electrician is going to be at our condo today (a renovation project almost completed) and, since he's relapsed on drugs, I've asked my husband to be there so I feel safer. The electrician is actually a friend of my husbands from AA so he's much more comfortable than I am.

I plan on taking EXTREME care of myself today. Later. . . . . well, no extreme care taken today.

I did well throughout the day, ran late in a meeting this evening and was overly hungry by the time I arrived at the restaurant. Oh well, did my best to maintain a reasonable eating plan. 2 or 3 (probably 3) pieces of bread, a cucumber and yogurt dip, and octopus - fantastic dinner. Then went next door and got an ice cream cone with a single scoop. I'm happy with how I ate today, happy that I was able to deal with the feeling that there might not be enough food for me. There was plenty and I didn't feel like I needed more.

Went for a walk for about 25 minutes outside. Had a few meetings I had to get to so I cut it a little short.

Spent the evening arguing with my husband. Was REALLY pissed off at him tonight - stormed out of the house, accidently cracked the mirror on the back of my door. I was MADDER than I ever recall being. I actually wanted to hit him - I have NEVER felt that way! It was really awful.
Don't know if we worked through it or not, but, we are sleeping in seperate beds tonight.

CFM - Day 13

2007-08-03T09:00:00.000-04:00

Funny, but I don't feel like writing today. Took my 3 prescription medications, not my vitamins. Was running behind this morning, almost didn't bother with my food because I knew I had contractors waiting for me at a job site. Stopped myself, forced myself to make a protein shake, pack some nuts and carrots and ran out the door. The contractor could wait a couple extra minutes, I couldn't afford to miss my food.

On the way out of the clients I ate my carrots and headed directly to the design center to place orders I've needed to place for two months. I'm so behind in my ordering and my finances that I am certain these are contributing to my emotional eating.

Right now I am 3 house payments behind - which is a place I've never been before. Somehow, the mortgage company lost one of my payments, and refusing to correct it. This has caused my credit rating to plummet. I'm not able to refinance and in the meantime my interest has gone up to 13.99! Ridiculous. The payments are $4100 a month - in addition to a $2000 mortgage payment on my second home. I'm not able to keep up right now. This is the reason I'm so far behind on my orders too. The problem has been compounded because I'm using clients order money to catch up on my mortgage payments. . . . and the cycle continues.

Three years ago I had a large furniture store. I made quite a bit of money - the store was prosperous. (because I was tithing primarily) I was able to pay my bills on time even though I had some incredible bills. The store was destroyed one day in a flood, and even though I had insurance with Hastings Mutual the insurance company gave me a hard time. Six months after the flood, sitting in a moldy showroom with no inventory, I decided to move out of the building. Seven months after the flood the insurance company gave me some money for my inventory. Money trickled in, literally, enough to pay an employee and a phone bill, enough to pay my IRS payment, etc. I settled with the insurance company three years after the flood. I had lost my business and was now in some fairly serious debt.

Oh well, life goes on. I continued to keep up and it was only in the past few months that I've not been able to. So, I need to get back up, dust myself off, and find a way to get through this.

In the meantime, one of my homes is for sale, the economy here is shit and I haven't had a single offer in three years. The house has gone from $380,000 down to $315,000 and nothing. Its not that the house is ugly either. I'm a designer for a living - I've been in national magazines for design. The market just isn't here right now. The people that keep looking at the house are people who can't afford it. "Oh we're waiting till it comes down to under $300000 the last one told me" Damn. I owe $314,000 on it!

Anyway, this is having an impact on my eating. I obsess about unhealthy foods when I begin to feel fearful. Instead of focusing on the problem my mind shifts over to "self destructive" behaviors.

Today I was able to maintain my eating plan for the most part. I was riddled with cravings for sugar and ended up eating an overage of nuts instead. Damn! I did workout today also though, 30 minutes on the elliptical and 45 minutes of weights. My husbands been helping me with my weight training and I'm so grateful because I don't believe I'd follow through on this without his help. Certainly I wouldn't be working out as hard as he has me working out. I'll try again tomorrow.

CFM - Day 12

2007-08-01T12:39:00.000-04:00

Set my alarm for 7am, woke up at 8:30. Spent time on my goals and intentions this morning. This helps me feel centered and in better control of my life, versus feeling afraid.

I've set some very specific goals that I will accomplish. Sell our home. Get all of my clients orders in. Generate the income to be in school on August 27th, committing to my eating and exercise program, set up a financial "emergency" account immediately.

Began the day with a shake and a tsp of oil, cut back on the amount of am vitamins, split them into a 3x a day schedule - feel better already. Went to the gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't even consider not going!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never crossed my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Decided to go to the gym before I started my work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spent 20 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the treadmill.
Returned home, had a shake with an apple and some of my vitamins. This feels fantastic!!!

Worked in my home office, ran to the bank, and almost exactly 3 hours after having my apple and shake I felt a bit overly hungry. I had another apple and a carrot.

This evening I had 6 oz of Tuna, 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 cup garbonzo, 3 oils, green beans, and mushrooms. I'm full, no cravings happening today. Decided to go to bed at 9pm so I can read, write in my blog, and do some spiritual exercises. A great day! (this am I weighed 163.5)

CFM - Day 11

2007-07-31T23:30:00.001-04:00

I made it through this day today perfectly on both food and exercise. I'm ready to turn the corner and just plow through this thing now. Even though I was bitchy, tired, took a nap, unproductive and discontent, I turned it around.

CFM - Day 10

2007-07-30T14:49:00.000-04:00

Well its a new week and I have an appointment with the doctor today. My blood test results should be back and I'll finally be able to see where my hemoglobin is. Last time we checked it was 9.6.

Had a shake for breakfast, packed a salad with 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 cup of garbonzo beans, 1 carrot, and 2 medium peaches. While at my clients I didn't eat anything and I did need to. I was feeling nervous because I didn't have my drawings completed for her and I felt like I had to overcompensate my services.

When I left my clients I ate the 2 peaches. I now have about 1/2 hour of downtime before I have to go the doctors.

Blood test results were in and my hemoglobin has returned to 13! That is such a relief - I am now anemic free and can no longer blame my tiredness on anemia. Fantastic!

I talked with my doctor about my situation with sugar and how I don't seem to have any control over it. She suggested that I begin by going to hypnotherapy. I made an appointment for August 17th. I explained how I think about sugar off and on throughout the day, how I wake at night and will sometimes think about having sugar, how I try to make it through an evening without breaking down and buying any sugar. I expect that this sugar situation is showing up so LOUDLY right now because I am trying to get control over my food and my health.

One are of concern is that my insulin levels were higher than my last tests, my fat levels were up, triglycerides were up. I expect this is all due to sugar. Finally, when I began this program I was told that I am pre diabetic, and, although this concerns me it is not causing me enough concern to stop the destructive behaviour.

Tonight when I returned from the doctors office I prepared a shake. I didn't want to eat any regular food and I went out and bought a 12 oz package of m&m's. Sick, sick, sick. I need help.

I weighed in at 165, lost 1 pound from last appointment.

CFM - Day 9

2007-07-29T14:15:00.000-04:00

Woke up at 12:30pm today. Feeling tired, believe its from all the sugar I ate last night and from staying up arguing with my husband. Its now 2:15pm and I haven't eaten anything yet so I'd better start.

I need a solution to this sugar addiction. Its an enormous problem and I don't seem to have the power to control it. I don't have enough power/strength over my mind and body to stop this.

Okay, had a shake, an apple, and 1/4 cup of nuts. Went to the gym and put in 45 minutes on the eliptical. Still feeling hung over and out of sorts from both the anger from yesterday and the sugar from yesterday. One thing I am realizing from writing this blog daily is how much sugar and anger are having to be written about.

Had a shake with 2 oils just prior to going to the gym.

Had 6 oz of salmon, 1/2 cup rice, 1/2 cup lentil soup and a carrot for dinner tonight. Bed by 9:30. Ate most of my foods today was missing the vegtables.

CFM - Day 8

2007-07-29T01:01:00.000-04:00

Saturday. Dad came over at noon. We had a big lunch, salmon, rice, salad, fruit. Felt strange to eat my largest meal at the beginning of my day. I felt off on my food because of it. Had a second serving of fruit about 4pm. Went to the movies, cut back on my size of m and m's to a 12 ounce package instead of a 20 oz package. Came home about 10pm had 2 shakes and 3 oils so that I could "say" I ate the right foods today. Such bullshit. Pissed off tonight, fighting with husband.

CFM - Day 7

2007-07-27T22:32:00.000-04:00

I didn't set an alarm for this morning, but I got up at 7am. As I expected, today was a rough day. Whenever I binge on sugar I feel awful the following day. My emotions are pretty much all over the board, with a quick anger response. My father was supposed to spend the night tonight but he called with a change of plans. I'm glad he didn't make it, not because I didn't want him to stay, but because my energy is so messed up from all the sugar in my body. Very similiar to being hung over from a drunk.

This morning I started out with an apple and 1/4 cup of nuts, a few hours later I had a shake. I'm flashing in and out of cravings throughout the entire day and especially the evening. At about 5:30 (quite a few hours late), I had 3 peaches and about 3/4 cup of nuts. Frustrated, hungry, but not wanting to prepare anything, I ended up eating about 4 oz of salmon from last nights left overs, and grabbed a bag of already washed celery. I layed down and was reading a book, munching on celery feeling very discontent. About 7pm I got up, made myself a shake with 4 tsp of oil, and hour later I threw 1/2 cup of lentils and 1/2 cup of rice in the micro. I didn't want the lentils and rice, my tastebuds are screwed up from all the sugar and all I want is something sweet. I ended up not eating the soup and rice and grabbed a half a seedless watermelon and ate about 1/4 of it.

I really didn't want to go to the gym, but, since I needed to pick up some pillowcases for my guests, I decided that I would go to the gym which is right next door to Bed, Bath, Beyond. That's it though - that's all I did today. Again, I forced myself to do 35 minutes of cardio. I've been restless, tired, edgy, angry, craving foods, and feeling frustrated.

It's midnight now and I've just eaten 1/2 cup of peanuts and a glass of water. I feel frustrated because there really isn't anything in the house that I really want to eat (chocolate), and earlier tonight I decided not to go out of the house because I knew I'd buy sweets. I'm feeling controlled and frustrated by this addiction. Yet, at the end of this day I have to say, "thank God I didn't eat sugar today." Even though the entire day I've been obsessed about it.

CFM - Day 6

2007-07-26T10:31:00.000-04:00

Set alarm for 7am and got up at 7:09. Had to fast before taking some blood tests at 9:00. Packed an apple and nuts for when test was completed. Craving a bagel and cream cheese on my way back home. Talked myself through it by shifting my thoughts to the protein shake I would have when I got home. Returned home at 10:30. Made a shake.

Have the urge to take a nap, however, I honestly want to make another choice, so, I will push through it. I know that I can go to bed early tonight if I want to.

Oh well, ended up taking a three hour nap from 12 to 3pm!

Had a shake and an apple at 5:00. Waiting on husband because I'd like to go out for sushi. If he doesn't hurry, I'll have to go alone.

Showed my house today for the third time to this couple. It'd be great to be able to sell it. Michigan's housing market is pretty rough right now and I currently own two houses. I'm ready to move into a small loft that I've completely renovated and let go of my larger home. Fingers Crossed.

9:00 Husband and I went out for sushi. I had a bowl of soup, a salad, 2 egg, 2 salmon, 1 yellowfin tuna, and 4 pieces of vegetable roll. Then I had about 3 oz of salmon and packaged the remaining to take home. As soon as I walked out the door though I was hit with a craving for ice cream. I felt really angry about it. I tried talking with my husband about it but that just frustrated me more. While we were driving home I was obsessing on ice cream, than chocolate, than m & m's. I was not able to let go of the obsession. I asked my husband to stop at CVS and I went in and bought a 20 oz bag of peanut m&m's. Even as I'm writing this, the m&m's are distracting to me I want to hurry up and finish typing so I can go up to my room and eat them.

CFM - Day 5

2007-07-25T08:25:00.000-04:00

Went to bed at 10:30pm last night then woke at 2:30 wanting something to eat. Had to do some self talk to calm the thoughts down a couple of times.

Set alarm for 8:00, woke up at 8:10. Sat in front of my computer until 10:30 then had a shake with a tsp of oil. When I took my am vitamins and minerals I had an upset stomach so I chased them with some pepto bismol. I'll have to spread them out a bit more so I don't take too many at once.

Packed a peach and 1/4 cup of nuts before I headed out to the gym. Exercised on the elliptical orbiter for 30 minutes, ate the peach and the nuts, then headed into a class called "muscle max" for 30 minutes. The class wasn't very strenuous, but, since I'm returning to the gym after taking quite a bit of time off with anemia and laziness, I'm okay starting back into things slowly.

When I was leaving the gym my mind starting flashing onto candy bars. I had planned to stop at the grocery store on the way home, but decided I needed to get past the craving first. I'll go grocery shopping later if I'm feeling stronger.

Feeling a bit shaky when I returned from the gym (which is why I was craving sugar), I immediately made myself a shake with a tsp of oil. Feeling tired and want to take a nap. I'll try to fight the feeling. (see "Signs that I'm Self Destructing") .

Overcame my urge to take a nap and decided to get some work done instead. I regained energy and was able to complete several things that were overdue. I had another peach at 3:30 and was feeling levelled out energy wise.

My husband and I went grocery shopping at 4:30. It took us 2 hours to get through the task. By the end of the trip at the store I was feeling tired and hungry. I held off the hunger with a stick of gum because I knew I'd be home soon and make a salad.

By the time I got home I was crabby, confrontational and argumentative towards my husband. Even before I put away the groceries I was making a salad. I threw the Lentil soup in the micro(it was already measured out) , my husband started cooking the orange roughie, I heated up 1/2 cup of brown rice, cut up a carrott added 2 tsp of oil to the salad and immediately sat down to eat. Even though I've just completed that meal, I still feel a bit shaky and weak. I'm tired and my resistance to eating healthy is down. I'll grab a glass of water to see if that will help me feel full.

Earlier, while making the salad, I began to think that I could eat extra servings of peanuts. I ended up measuring out 4 servings of peanuts, packaging them in individual baggies and put them away in the cupboard. I also packaged two salads for tomorrow and Friday. I'll have a leftover 6 ounce serving of Orange Roughie for tomorrow also.

Its 8:30 pm and I didn't make it through the evening without going off the plan. I've had an apple and 1 cup of peanuts. The apples not bad, but the peanuts - 159 per 1/4 cup. Ouch! 9:15 ate another peach. 9:30 another 1/2 cup of peanuts. Can't seem to get a handle on this. I'm going to go to bed and read and see if that helps me to stop.

Went to bed at 10:30 but than stayed up until 12:00am playing cards on the computer. Plan on getting up at 7am. I can see the slippey slope and am ready to slow it down. Rough Day.

My Daily Vitamins and Minerals

2007-07-24T21:17:00.001-04:00

VITAMINS:
Woman's Multivitamin

Vitamin D - 2000 IU

MINERALS:
Calcium - 600 mg 2x's a day

Iron - Taking quite a bit right now because of anemia.

Selenium - Healthy detoxification

Zinc - Metabolism of protein, carbohydrate and fat. Protects from heavy metal poisoning.

Chromium - Reduces insulin resistance.

Alpha Lipoic Acid - Increases burning of glucose.

Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA) - Helps glucose and fat metabolism. Specifically help with ab fat.

EPA/DHA - 1720/1160 Improves metabolic balance, reduces triglycerides, normalizes hormones, lowers Alzheimers risk, and improves ADD/ADHD.

Of course, these vitamins and minerals offer additional benefits, but I've just listed the primary reason that I've decided to take them.

CFM - Day 4

2007-07-24T10:55:00.000-04:00

Set alarm for 8am woke up at 11am. Woke up hungry and grabbed a peach with my coffee. About 45 minutes later I had a shake with a tsp of oil. About 2:00 I had a 1/4 cup of nuts and a shake with oil. Packed a peach and carrots before I went to the gym and pulled a frozen 1/2 cup of lentil soup out of the freezer for tomorrow. Went to gym and used the elliptical orbiter for 30 minutes. Took my granddaughter home,she lives about 30 minutes away, and ate my peach and carrots on the way. Returned home about 5:30 and grabbed a salad and a wheat lawash.

Feeling stressed out about finances and can feel the craving for sugar hitting me in waves.

At 8:00 I ate 6 ounces of shrimp and 1/2 cup of chickpeas. I pulled some Orange Roughie from the freezer for tomorrow. I plan on going to bed about 10pm.

CFM - Day 3

2007-07-23T09:27:00.001-04:00

Set my alarm for 7am, got up at 9:30, had a shake with a tsp of oil at 10:30. Packed a lunch of salad with 2 tsp of oil and red wine vinegar, 1/4 cup of peanuts, and an apple. Arrived at clients house at 11:30, received a call from my doctors office to have a BIA done today rather than meet with the doctor. Needed to fast for 4 hours, so I ate my apple and peanuts before 12:15 because my test was for 4:15. Ate right at my clients table while we reviewed design plans. Stopped at home before my doctors appointment, added a peach to my lunch bag so I'd have something to eat in addition to the salad when I walked out of the doctors office. Was running late to kids kickball game so I grabbed a shake with oil and out the door. Got back from game at 8:30, ate 3 ounces of shrimp, some carrot sticks, and went to the gym. I did 30 minutes of cardio, and 15 minutes of weights. (had to talk myself into those weights) Home at 9:30 put together 1/2 cup chickpeas, 1/2 cup brown rice, the remaining 3 ounces of shrimp and some canned stewed tomatoes, added basil, salt and pepper and threw it in the micro. I weighed in at 165.6 at the doctors. Had no cravings for unhealthy foods today.

Medically Assigned Eating Plan

2007-07-22T17:32:00.001-04:00

Here is the eating plan that my doctor has instructed me to follow:

2 "Medical Food" Shakes
3 Vegetables
1 Vegetable #2 (ie 1/2 sweet potato, carrot, beets)
4 Oils (canola, olive, flax)
2 Protein (3 ounces each)
2 Fruits
1 Nuts/Seeds (100 calorie serving; just under 1/4 cup)
1 Whole Grain
1 Legume (1/2 cup serving)

This works out to approximately 1300 calories, I am to be eating approximately every 3 hours.

In addition to this eating plan I need to exercise 45-60 minutes of cardio daily and 15 to 30 minutes of weight training every other day.

CFM - Day 2

2007-07-22T17:21:00.000-04:00

July 22: I've prepared much of the foods I'll be needing for the next few days. Brown Rice, Cooked Shrimp, Lentil Soup, Salad, and measured and packaged nuts. Then I went to the gym for a 45 minute workout. This morning I had a shake for breakfast later I had a serving of nuts. Before I went to the gym I had another shake with a tsp. of oil. After I got back from the gym I had 1/2 cup of lentil soup. For dinner I ate a salad with red wine vinegar and 3 tsp of oil, a carrot, 6 oz of shrimp and 1/2 cup of brown rice. I'm finishing off the day with 2 servings of fruit, an apple and a cup of raspberries.

Success!

Signs That I'm Self Destructing

2007-07-22T15:02:00.000-04:00

I have some obvious (in hindsight) signs that I'm on the path to my self destruction. These signs begin simple enough, but then they are compounded as I continue to chip away at the positive behaviors I am trying to incorporate into my daily lifestyle. . . . .

I stop wearing my seatbelt (this is one of my first signs)

I begin taking only my prescription medications, and eliminate my vitamins.

I start throwing my clothes on the floor when undressing.

My clean clothes and dirty clothes are now mixed up together on the bedroom floor

I stop doing my laundry

I do a load of laundry and leave it in the washer. . . . for days. . .rewash. . . leave it in washer. . . . etc.

I don't want to talk on the phone.

I don't return phone calls.

I let my voice mail get full and I don't clear it.

I begin sleeping in until noon

I take naps! Major problem! I will take a 3 to 4 hour nap in the middle of my business day - getting virtually nothing done. A few days in a row of this and I am way behind in my work.

I don't wear my rubber bands for my braces

I miss doctors appointments

I avoid making doctors appointments

My house is messy and I don't have the desire or energy to do anything about it.

I've run out of food and I don't go grocery shopping.

I'm off my eating plan - usually because I've run out of the foods I need.

I start skipping meals

I feel unorganized, less than, or depressed.

I spend money without paying attention to my finances.

I pay my bills late

I harm my credit rating by waiting over 30 days to pay a bill.

I don't open my mail and ignore that I have any bills at all.

It appears as though I am trying to gain weight, or sabotage the weight loss I have experienced to date.

I binge eat on primarily sugar.

I resist exercising.

CFM - Day 1

2007-07-22T12:58:00.000-04:00

July 21: Today I woke up at 11:30 a.m., ate 2 pieces of Pizza Hut Pizza and 2 cups of coffee. Couple hours later I ate 1/4 cup of pumpkin seeds, an apple and a glass of water and FINALLY (its been a month) went to the gym. I worked out on the elliptical for 45 minutes! Then I ate sushi california roll and some other kind of roll I don't know the name of. I also ate a large bowl of grapes. Later when my husband went to work I was wanting to just munch on something - chocolate preferably, but, since there wasn't any in the house and I didn't want to go out and get some, I ate another bowl of grapes and another piece of pizza and a piece of garlic bread (that I didn't really like because it was dry) . Still craving chocolate I made myself a chocolate protein shake. Went to bed about 11:00 with a diet coke and 1/2 cup of pumpkin seeds.

Although this doesn't sound like too terrible of a day, I'm not even close to the eating plan I've been given to follow by my doctor. I'll try again on Sunday.