CFM - Day 12

Set my alarm for 7am, woke up at 8:30. Spent time on my goals and intentions this morning. This helps me feel centered and in better control of my life, versus feeling afraid.

I've set some very specific goals that I will accomplish. Sell our home. Get all of my clients orders in. Generate the income to be in school on August 27th, committing to my eating and exercise program, set up a financial "emergency" account immediately.

Began the day with a shake and a tsp of oil, cut back on the amount of am vitamins, split them into a 3x a day schedule - feel better already. Went to the gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't even consider not going!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never crossed my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Decided to go to the gym before I started my work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spent 20 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the treadmill.
Returned home, had a shake with an apple and some of my vitamins. This feels fantastic!!!

Worked in my home office, ran to the bank, and almost exactly 3 hours after having my apple and shake I felt a bit overly hungry. I had another apple and a carrot.

This evening I had 6 oz of Tuna, 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 cup garbonzo, 3 oils, green beans, and mushrooms. I'm full, no cravings happening today. Decided to go to bed at 9pm so I can read, write in my blog, and do some spiritual exercises. A great day! (this am I weighed 163.5)

CFM - Day 11

I made it through this day today perfectly on both food and exercise. I'm ready to turn the corner and just plow through this thing now. Even though I was bitchy, tired, took a nap, unproductive and discontent, I turned it around.

CFM - Day 10

Well its a new week and I have an appointment with the doctor today. My blood test results should be back and I'll finally be able to see where my hemoglobin is. Last time we checked it was 9.6.

Had a shake for breakfast, packed a salad with 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 cup of garbonzo beans, 1 carrot, and 2 medium peaches. While at my clients I didn't eat anything and I did need to. I was feeling nervous because I didn't have my drawings completed for her and I felt like I had to overcompensate my services.

When I left my clients I ate the 2 peaches. I now have about 1/2 hour of downtime before I have to go the doctors.

Blood test results were in and my hemoglobin has returned to 13! That is such a relief - I am now anemic free and can no longer blame my tiredness on anemia. Fantastic!

I talked with my doctor about my situation with sugar and how I don't seem to have any control over it. She suggested that I begin by going to hypnotherapy. I made an appointment for August 17th. I explained how I think about sugar off and on throughout the day, how I wake at night and will sometimes think about having sugar, how I try to make it through an evening without breaking down and buying any sugar. I expect that this sugar situation is showing up so LOUDLY right now because I am trying to get control over my food and my health.

One are of concern is that my insulin levels were higher than my last tests, my fat levels were up, triglycerides were up. I expect this is all due to sugar. Finally, when I began this program I was told that I am pre diabetic, and, although this concerns me it is not causing me enough concern to stop the destructive behaviour.

Tonight when I returned from the doctors office I prepared a shake. I didn't want to eat any regular food and I went out and bought a 12 oz package of m&m's. Sick, sick, sick. I need help.

I weighed in at 165, lost 1 pound from last appointment.

CFM - Day 9

Woke up at 12:30pm today. Feeling tired, believe its from all the sugar I ate last night and from staying up arguing with my husband. Its now 2:15pm and I haven't eaten anything yet so I'd better start.

I need a solution to this sugar addiction. Its an enormous problem and I don't seem to have the power to control it. I don't have enough power/strength over my mind and body to stop this.

Okay, had a shake, an apple, and 1/4 cup of nuts. Went to the gym and put in 45 minutes on the eliptical. Still feeling hung over and out of sorts from both the anger from yesterday and the sugar from yesterday. One thing I am realizing from writing this blog daily is how much sugar and anger are having to be written about.

Had a shake with 2 oils just prior to going to the gym.

Had 6 oz of salmon, 1/2 cup rice, 1/2 cup lentil soup and a carrot for dinner tonight. Bed by 9:30. Ate most of my foods today was missing the vegtables.

CFM - Day 8

Saturday. Dad came over at noon. We had a big lunch, salmon, rice, salad, fruit. Felt strange to eat my largest meal at the beginning of my day. I felt off on my food because of it. Had a second serving of fruit about 4pm. Went to the movies, cut back on my size of m and m's to a 12 ounce package instead of a 20 oz package. Came home about 10pm had 2 shakes and 3 oils so that I could "say" I ate the right foods today. Such bullshit. Pissed off tonight, fighting with husband.