Finding My Step

I've had a whirlwind of activity in my life for the past two months and am very much looking forward to things settling down.

I'm in my new home, for the most part unpacked, still getting organized and am working on creating a routine or pattern to my days and weeks.

I now have to schedule in the laundry mat, I no longer have my favorite market that I went to weekly, I don't have as many household responsibilities, I'm not familiar with where to shop for the best deals. Meijers, Target, Best Buy. . . . . . . none of these stores exist in Detroit and I'm wanting to be able to spend my dollars here in the city.

I'm working on creating a healthy, productive schedule that's going to take care of me in a positive, balanced way. For the past few days, I've begun my mornings by attending a 7am Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Grosse Point, and then heading to the new YMCA in downtown Detroit. Because I recognize that I can become obsessive about setting goals, I've decided to allow this pattern to develop and repeat itself until it becomes a habit. I don't plan on becoming rigid about adding other plans to my schedule, however, I'll look for new things to do that will make my life feel fabulous and fulfilling.

This past weekend my husband and I went to the Detroit Farmers Market. What a fantastic way to spend an afternoon! I LOVE to feel as if I'm getting a bargain, and this is definitely a place for bargains. A box of fresh, juicy clementines for $2.00, eggs fresh from the farm, large bags of apples for $4.00! Then we discovered there was a meat market across the street which we hadn't seen before. They had a special on N.Y. Strips for $2.95 a pound, and their prices for Amish chickens and turkeys are better than what they're charging in the grocery stores for just regular hormone filled chickens. It really was a fun time and I came home with plenty of fresh food for the week, and plans to return again this weekend.

I've determined that there's not a lot I can do about my employment until after my surgery, although I have been applying for jobs and following up on leads and referrals that I've come across. Hopefully this effort will pay off for when I'm back on my feet and able to get back to work. In the meantime, we continue to tithe 10% back for what God has given us and have been receiving many rich rewards because of it.

So, although finding my step is a bit of a challenge, I'm finding it to be a fun challenge. There are so many new things to see downtown, and new places to discover. I believe by putting God and myself first in the morning I'll have the energy and drive to make these new discoveries.

Alcoholic Relapse

Yesterday my son came over and informed me that his father had relapsed on alcohol and smoking. He was, of course, very upset. First his dad offered him a beer, and when he said "sure", his dad ordered one for himself also. My son was stunned. Twenty years ago my ex husband stopped drinking, six years ago he stopped smoking. His drinking stopped when he lost his job and was given the ultimatum of rehab to get his job back. His smoking stopped when he was hospitalized with a collapsed lung. It's taken an awful lot to get this man to respond.

Personally, I believe Rick, my ex, has been given his warnings. I believe he's choosing to ignore those warnings. Finally, I believe that he's not going to get any more warnings but that he is going to kill himself.

I have never seen a worse drunk than my ex husband and I have been in AA and sober for sixteen years myself. I just don't think he's gonna make it back.

I'm sure there are going to be blessings from this experience for my two sons, but right now its difficult to see. My youngest has the tendency to become addicted to mood altering vices. Hopefully, he will witness why it's important to take care of yourself and not become attached to things that are destructive.

My very best right now is to pray for all of them and hope that their father really can find recovery, and/or my youngest will find it also. My oldest son has belonged to alanon for a couple years now and has changed his life.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would rate my relationship with my family as an 8. In order for it to be a 10 I, myself would be going to alanon meetings, and I would be making an effort to have family dinners.

CFM - Day 26

Started my morning by listening to the hypnosis cd. Felt kind of tired and moved in slow motion this morning. Went to clients, had to hang out for a couple hours doing nothing while waiting for contractors to complete their work. Again, felt tired, antisocial, awkward, didn't want to entertain my clients dramas.

Had a shake this morning, packed nuts for the road, had another shake before running out the door to my clients since it was so close to lunch time. While at my clients instead of eating the nuts I packed first, I made myself another shake believing it was my second shake of the day. I did this same thing yesterday also. Very odd.

I'm drinking a lot of water today, and it does taste fantastic! Also, the meal I made for myself last night was so wonderful that I made another one this evening. I should probably add some shrimp to it though so I can stay close on my program

This evening I had problems with sugar cravings and wanted to go out and get some m&m's. I ended up grabbing some tangerines instead. What was great was that ususally when I begin to get into the craving I'm not able to get my mind off of it for very long. I rarely have the thought of something else to take the place of the craving. It was an aha moment to think the thought of the tangerines.

Actually almost craving water. hmmmm

Finally, again had a craving for that elusive "something" and decided to make put together the remaining items on my food plan. It was late so I wasn't overly excited about cooking, but, I had 6 oz of shrimp, and cooked onions and tomatoes in the remaining 4 tsp of oil.

Didn't work out today and I have it my schedule for tomorrow. I'll go after I get out of my second doctors appointment - early evening.

CFM - Day 23

Out of bed at 6am to take husband to airport. Getting up at odd hours seems to really mess with my day. Returned from airport went back to bed, couldn't sleep, too tired to get up though. ended up playing on the computer and falling asleep at noon. Back up at 2:30 to get ready to go to my sons for dinner. Dinner was very healthy, met all my needs on the plan and I didn't even have a craving to eat ice cream for dessert - even though they were begging me to try it.

I again had the craving to eat sugar on the drive home from Lansing, about 1.5 hours drive. I resisted the urge and made it through another day without eating sugar! Fantastic!

Still have a cold, still having too heavy of a period, am feeling the beginnings of the anemia again. Need to call the doctor and get my medication changed. I'm on this medication because I do not plan on getting a hysterectomy and am searching for another means of correcting the problem without having to go to the extremes of surgery.

I start school in 2 weeks and am getting both nervous and excited. Hopefully my student aid will come through in time, if not I'll have to pay the dues from another source.

CFM - Day 22

Didn't go to bed until 3am last night, woke up at 9:30. I'm going to stay on my eating and exercise program today, hang out with my husband, be nice, and just take care of myself. We plan on going to the gym together and going downtown to the Eastern Market.

Its 1:30 and I've only had a shake, a tsp of oil, and 1/8 cup of nuts. Need to get off my ass and do something.

By the end of the day I have eaten all my foods according to plan. I didn't work out because of very heavy bleeding (obviously my medicine to completely stop this is not working).

Tonight I wanted to eat something with sugar, it kept talking to me from the back of my mind. At one point I decided to run to the store and I felt like I wanted to get sugar. As I was walking out the door I started thinking about how bad I feel the day after I eat a bunch of sugar, actually I recognized that it was going to screw me up for about three days after I ate it only to start the cycle all over again. I didn't want to feel like that. This is a MAJOR victory for me. The agreement I made with myself instead was that I could have something that was not on the plan for a snack food, but that it needed to be something without sugar.

I struggled while at the store, but I felt the decision and determination to follow the plan. I looked at trail mix, but I didn't want to load up with that many calories and the dried fruits have a lot of sugar. I looked at nuts, but again, the calories are so high for the size snack I wanted. I decided on those gold fish crackers, one because I like them, and secondly because I can eat 60 of them and only take on 130 calories. I'm so proud of myself for coming up with this solution.

I actually heard myself going through the denial conversation in my head, "well, I just want to get some m&m's, it'll be okay, I can have them." When I heard that lie playing in my head I wanted to laugh/scoff at it. "Your never going to stop this if you don't stop now, just give it up. Get over it. Its over. You don't want the hangover, the cravings, the problems. Just stop."

CFM - Day 20

A little better of this am. I'm not loaded up with sugar so my emotions are leveller than they have been. I did cancel my appointments for this morning because I'm really not up to them today. I'm planning to stay home and take care of paperwork and take care of myself.

I've arranged to have both of my houses refinanced, they are both in the process of the applications now. I've contacted the University I'll be attending later this month to check up on my financial aid. I've been placing my clients orders so things are getting caught up better. I'm also working with companies so that I can generate an income over the next couple of months. I'm applying for a hardship loan from a contribution program from my husbands work in order to bring the main house payment current. I'm stressing out about not shopping on the internet, its really hard for me not to! We've given the cleaning service a 30 day notice, and my husband needs to get to the new gym so we can put in a notice at our old gym also.

I'm writing about these financial issues because I believe they are related to how I take care of myself and to my eating patterns.

I did much better with my eating today. I missed 2 tsp's of oil and 1 protein. I think that's fantastic after how I've been eating though. Feeling better this evening and plan to return to work tomorrow.

I finished the evening off with going over on my fruits - I had an extra 2 or 3 servings of grapes. I think I'm only supposed to eat 12 grapes as a serving, so I had at least 36 grapes.

Just read an article about sugar, they referred to it as "extremely addicting", I certainly know that is true. In the article they recommended using stevia. I do have some packets in the house and I can try this. What I believe I need to do though is completely eliminate sugar from my eating plan. The problem, or what I am afraid of is the results of removing it completely from my diet. I'm afraid I'll go on a 6 month binge of sugar or something.

I stopped drinking about 15 years ago. I never have a drink. I have little desire for a drink (only when I'm not dealing with my anger), and I know that if I have a drink I'll probably go off the deep end. Because I'm so self conscious in front of others this helps me to not drink. However, I don't have those same fears with sugar. I can't seem to just give up sugar because its not good for me. I don't care enough about myself for that to happen. It seems like I can give up an addiction for others, rarely for myself though. Hmmmmmm...... I do want to stop this sugar situation.

Something I heard altered to relate to my situation: "Every time you say yes to that binge, you say no to health, wellness, and goodness in your life. Every time you say no to that binge, you say yes to your life"

CFM - Day 15

Off the plan completely today. Was up until 3am fighting with husband and felt hungover and drugged this morning. Emotionally hungover. Went to dentist before I had anything to eat, went to grocery store with the intention of eating sugar, bought sushi, nuts, oatmeal raisen cookies (12 oz), m&m's (12 oz), hommus, and wheat crackers. Came home, took the sushi, cookies and m&m's up to bed and have been in bed the ENTIRE day. Its now 8:30 pm and I have not gotten out of bed. I'm full, I feel sick, I am actually laying on my stomach on an angle because my stomach is too big and full to lay directly on it. Yuck. Don't want to exist. Don't want to make any effort. Don't want to be responsible for myself right now. I just want to disappear. I feel depressed.

CFM - Day 14

Today I didn't set an alarm and I woke up at 8:30. I have a fairly open day today, many things I could be doing, nothing I have to be doing. I'll be focusing on my own house today though. Our electrician is going to be at our condo today (a renovation project almost completed) and, since he's relapsed on drugs, I've asked my husband to be there so I feel safer. The electrician is actually a friend of my husbands from AA so he's much more comfortable than I am.

I plan on taking EXTREME care of myself today. Later. . . . . well, no extreme care taken today.

I did well throughout the day, ran late in a meeting this evening and was overly hungry by the time I arrived at the restaurant. Oh well, did my best to maintain a reasonable eating plan. 2 or 3 (probably 3) pieces of bread, a cucumber and yogurt dip, and octopus - fantastic dinner. Then went next door and got an ice cream cone with a single scoop. I'm happy with how I ate today, happy that I was able to deal with the feeling that there might not be enough food for me. There was plenty and I didn't feel like I needed more.

Went for a walk for about 25 minutes outside. Had a few meetings I had to get to so I cut it a little short.

Spent the evening arguing with my husband. Was REALLY pissed off at him tonight - stormed out of the house, accidently cracked the mirror on the back of my door. I was MADDER than I ever recall being. I actually wanted to hit him - I have NEVER felt that way! It was really awful.
Don't know if we worked through it or not, but, we are sleeping in seperate beds tonight.

CFM - Day 10

Well its a new week and I have an appointment with the doctor today. My blood test results should be back and I'll finally be able to see where my hemoglobin is. Last time we checked it was 9.6.

Had a shake for breakfast, packed a salad with 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 cup of garbonzo beans, 1 carrot, and 2 medium peaches. While at my clients I didn't eat anything and I did need to. I was feeling nervous because I didn't have my drawings completed for her and I felt like I had to overcompensate my services.

When I left my clients I ate the 2 peaches. I now have about 1/2 hour of downtime before I have to go the doctors.

Blood test results were in and my hemoglobin has returned to 13! That is such a relief - I am now anemic free and can no longer blame my tiredness on anemia. Fantastic!

I talked with my doctor about my situation with sugar and how I don't seem to have any control over it. She suggested that I begin by going to hypnotherapy. I made an appointment for August 17th. I explained how I think about sugar off and on throughout the day, how I wake at night and will sometimes think about having sugar, how I try to make it through an evening without breaking down and buying any sugar. I expect that this sugar situation is showing up so LOUDLY right now because I am trying to get control over my food and my health.

One are of concern is that my insulin levels were higher than my last tests, my fat levels were up, triglycerides were up. I expect this is all due to sugar. Finally, when I began this program I was told that I am pre diabetic, and, although this concerns me it is not causing me enough concern to stop the destructive behaviour.

Tonight when I returned from the doctors office I prepared a shake. I didn't want to eat any regular food and I went out and bought a 12 oz package of m&m's. Sick, sick, sick. I need help.

I weighed in at 165, lost 1 pound from last appointment.

CFM - Day 9

Woke up at 12:30pm today. Feeling tired, believe its from all the sugar I ate last night and from staying up arguing with my husband. Its now 2:15pm and I haven't eaten anything yet so I'd better start.

I need a solution to this sugar addiction. Its an enormous problem and I don't seem to have the power to control it. I don't have enough power/strength over my mind and body to stop this.

Okay, had a shake, an apple, and 1/4 cup of nuts. Went to the gym and put in 45 minutes on the eliptical. Still feeling hung over and out of sorts from both the anger from yesterday and the sugar from yesterday. One thing I am realizing from writing this blog daily is how much sugar and anger are having to be written about.

Had a shake with 2 oils just prior to going to the gym.

Had 6 oz of salmon, 1/2 cup rice, 1/2 cup lentil soup and a carrot for dinner tonight. Bed by 9:30. Ate most of my foods today was missing the vegtables.

CFM - Day 5

Went to bed at 10:30pm last night then woke at 2:30 wanting something to eat. Had to do some self talk to calm the thoughts down a couple of times.

Set alarm for 8:00, woke up at 8:10. Sat in front of my computer until 10:30 then had a shake with a tsp of oil. When I took my am vitamins and minerals I had an upset stomach so I chased them with some pepto bismol. I'll have to spread them out a bit more so I don't take too many at once.

Packed a peach and 1/4 cup of nuts before I headed out to the gym. Exercised on the elliptical orbiter for 30 minutes, ate the peach and the nuts, then headed into a class called "muscle max" for 30 minutes. The class wasn't very strenuous, but, since I'm returning to the gym after taking quite a bit of time off with anemia and laziness, I'm okay starting back into things slowly.

When I was leaving the gym my mind starting flashing onto candy bars. I had planned to stop at the grocery store on the way home, but decided I needed to get past the craving first. I'll go grocery shopping later if I'm feeling stronger.

Feeling a bit shaky when I returned from the gym (which is why I was craving sugar), I immediately made myself a shake with a tsp of oil. Feeling tired and want to take a nap. I'll try to fight the feeling. (see "Signs that I'm Self Destructing") .

Overcame my urge to take a nap and decided to get some work done instead. I regained energy and was able to complete several things that were overdue. I had another peach at 3:30 and was feeling levelled out energy wise.

My husband and I went grocery shopping at 4:30. It took us 2 hours to get through the task. By the end of the trip at the store I was feeling tired and hungry. I held off the hunger with a stick of gum because I knew I'd be home soon and make a salad.

By the time I got home I was crabby, confrontational and argumentative towards my husband. Even before I put away the groceries I was making a salad. I threw the Lentil soup in the micro(it was already measured out) , my husband started cooking the orange roughie, I heated up 1/2 cup of brown rice, cut up a carrott added 2 tsp of oil to the salad and immediately sat down to eat. Even though I've just completed that meal, I still feel a bit shaky and weak. I'm tired and my resistance to eating healthy is down. I'll grab a glass of water to see if that will help me feel full.

Earlier, while making the salad, I began to think that I could eat extra servings of peanuts. I ended up measuring out 4 servings of peanuts, packaging them in individual baggies and put them away in the cupboard. I also packaged two salads for tomorrow and Friday. I'll have a leftover 6 ounce serving of Orange Roughie for tomorrow also.

Its 8:30 pm and I didn't make it through the evening without going off the plan. I've had an apple and 1 cup of peanuts. The apples not bad, but the peanuts - 159 per 1/4 cup. Ouch! 9:15 ate another peach. 9:30 another 1/2 cup of peanuts. Can't seem to get a handle on this. I'm going to go to bed and read and see if that helps me to stop.

Went to bed at 10:30 but than stayed up until 12:00am playing cards on the computer. Plan on getting up at 7am. I can see the slippey slope and am ready to slow it down. Rough Day.

Signs That I'm Self Destructing

I have some obvious (in hindsight) signs that I'm on the path to my self destruction. These signs begin simple enough, but then they are compounded as I continue to chip away at the positive behaviors I am trying to incorporate into my daily lifestyle. . . . .

• I stop wearing my seatbelt (this is one of my first signs)


• I begin taking only my prescription medications, and eliminate my vitamins.


• I start throwing my clothes on the floor when undressing.


• My clean clothes and dirty clothes are now mixed up together on the bedroom floor


• I stop doing my laundry


• I do a load of laundry and leave it in the washer. . . . for days. . .rewash. . . leave it in washer. . . . etc.


• I don't want to talk on the phone.


• I don't return phone calls.


• I let my voice mail get full and I don't clear it.


• I begin sleeping in until noon


• I take naps! Major problem! I will take a 3 to 4 hour nap in the middle of my business day - getting virtually nothing done. A few days in a row of this and I am way behind in my work.


• I don't wear my rubber bands for my braces


• I miss doctors appointments


• I avoid making doctors appointments


• My house is messy and I don't have the desire or energy to do anything about it.


• I've run out of food and I don't go grocery shopping.


• I'm off my eating plan - usually because I've run out of the foods I need.


• I start skipping meals


• I feel unorganized, less than, or depressed.


• I spend money without paying attention to my finances.


• I pay my bills late


• I harm my credit rating by waiting over 30 days to pay a bill.


• I don't open my mail and ignore that I have any bills at all.


• It appears as though I am trying to gain weight, or sabotage the weight loss I have experienced to date.


• I binge eat on primarily sugar.


• I resist exercising.