Finding My Step

I've had a whirlwind of activity in my life for the past two months and am very much looking forward to things settling down.

I'm in my new home, for the most part unpacked, still getting organized and am working on creating a routine or pattern to my days and weeks.

I now have to schedule in the laundry mat, I no longer have my favorite market that I went to weekly, I don't have as many household responsibilities, I'm not familiar with where to shop for the best deals. Meijers, Target, Best Buy. . . . . . . none of these stores exist in Detroit and I'm wanting to be able to spend my dollars here in the city.

I'm working on creating a healthy, productive schedule that's going to take care of me in a positive, balanced way. For the past few days, I've begun my mornings by attending a 7am Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Grosse Point, and then heading to the new YMCA in downtown Detroit. Because I recognize that I can become obsessive about setting goals, I've decided to allow this pattern to develop and repeat itself until it becomes a habit. I don't plan on becoming rigid about adding other plans to my schedule, however, I'll look for new things to do that will make my life feel fabulous and fulfilling.

This past weekend my husband and I went to the Detroit Farmers Market. What a fantastic way to spend an afternoon! I LOVE to feel as if I'm getting a bargain, and this is definitely a place for bargains. A box of fresh, juicy clementines for $2.00, eggs fresh from the farm, large bags of apples for $4.00! Then we discovered there was a meat market across the street which we hadn't seen before. They had a special on N.Y. Strips for $2.95 a pound, and their prices for Amish chickens and turkeys are better than what they're charging in the grocery stores for just regular hormone filled chickens. It really was a fun time and I came home with plenty of fresh food for the week, and plans to return again this weekend.

I've determined that there's not a lot I can do about my employment until after my surgery, although I have been applying for jobs and following up on leads and referrals that I've come across. Hopefully this effort will pay off for when I'm back on my feet and able to get back to work. In the meantime, we continue to tithe 10% back for what God has given us and have been receiving many rich rewards because of it.

So, although finding my step is a bit of a challenge, I'm finding it to be a fun challenge. There are so many new things to see downtown, and new places to discover. I believe by putting God and myself first in the morning I'll have the energy and drive to make these new discoveries.

Looking for Work

Lately I've been looking on the internet for a new job. I've been successfully self employed for 13 years up until I suffered the loss of my retail store in 2004. I've spent the last 3 years working with the insurance company and lawyers, and working on two outstanding Interior Design projects. I've recently completed a commercial project and am now wrapping up my last large residential project.

Rather than start all over, get out and network, take on lots of small projects to rebuild a business, I think I'd prefer to go to work for someone else.

I know that I am a really good designer, I know that I'm a good mentor for other designers, I work really well with clients and have a strong business background. Yet, while I'm searching the classifieds, I feel inadequate, out of date, and insignificant.

I find myself applying for work that I'm overqualified for and, although I'm applying, feeling intimidated by the positions that I'm interested in. I recognize that my computer skills are out of date, and that there are many new computer programs that Interior Designers are using that I'm not familiar with. I recognize that employers are wanting experience in Auto Cad, and my only experience is self taught. I know enough CAD to put together my clients drawings, and do presentations, but am not familiar with the complete program as it could be used.

Additionally, I lost my portfolio in the store flood and didn't bother to replace it. I would need to return to clients that I haven't worked with in years to get some photographs. I stopped taking on new clients after the flood, primarily because I was overwhelmed by the incredible amounts of information required by the insurance company, having to relocate and downsize my company, and, by the fact that I was anemic and unable to perform my job at full capacity.

Anyway, it feels depressing and discouraged. I don't know whether I should start my business all over again, or seek employment that I don't feel equipped to do, or secure employment that I'm overqualified for. I'm very uncomfortable being in a position of not knowing what to do next. I'm certainly an action oriented person, but, when I don't know what action to take I feel stuck.

In the meantime, I've updated my resume and am submitting it those companies I feel intimidated by. I've also updated my business cards and will purchase the products I'm needing to have them printed. And, since some action is better than no action, I will begin by handing a stack of my cards to each of the clients that I am in the process of completing, letting them know that I am looking for new clients. Finally, I am going to act as if I am rebuilding my business and if God sees otherwise for me, I will be happy to take whatever path he shows me.

Health vs. Education

I'm pretty upset about the results I received from my doctor regarding my blood tests. My hemoglobin is at 8.4 right now and she is recommending that I get a hysterectomy. This doctors opinion is the fourth opinion I've received on this.

I was supposed to start school next week. I won't be able to handle school and a hysterectomy in the same semester. Recovery time is approximately six weeks and I would either need to do it now or when school breaks for the winter. I don't know what to do. I want to start school so badly and I'm afraid that if I don't start school this semester that I'll never go back to school. Right now my schedule is such that I believe I could handle school and my part time career. I'll pray on this and see what guidance I receive. I won't make a decision until I feel certain that I am being shown what I need to do. Actually, it was through prayer that I was shown to go back to school. Why would a hysterectomy come up at the same time?

I have been following the body for life workout program for the past week and the eating plan given to me by my doctor. I actually am feeling pretty good too. The hypnosis session to eliminate my sugar cravings seems to have taken. I stopped eating sugar on August 9th and I'm enjoy carrots and fruits instead. I still listen to the cd each day/evening and am practicing the self hypnosis techniques I was shown. So far its working out great.

THURSDAY - Balancing Career and School

As I've mentioned several times throughout this blog, I'm about to begin graduate school and work towards a degree in Architecture. School begins next Wednesday and as of yet I have not gotten an answer regarding my financial aid/student loan. Needless to say, I'm concerned.

Having been a young, wild, irresponsible teenager who barely made it to high school graduation, I find it amazing that I am going for my Master's degree! A part of me doesn't believe that I can/will succeed, yet, the ambitious side of me knows that I can and will succeed.

I'm a bit concerned about maintaining my business, making enough of a living to pay our bills, and attending school. I'm concerned about a 7 credit studio class in my first semester. I'm worried that I won't be able to keep up or that the college is allowing me to waive some classes based on my prior studies. Its been 13 years since I've been in school.

I'm 47 years old and I'm not in least worried about being the oldest student in the class. I don't really care about that, and, believe I have the advantage. I retain information better than I used to, I recognize what's important where as before I didn't really know. I can focus better now than in my past, I schedule more reasonably and honestly, I recognize and appreciate the value of this education. I am excited, frightened, and thrilled to be going back to school. I feel blessed to be able to.

SUNDAY is Spirituality

I had planned to go to the Buddhist temple this morning, however, I ended up sleeping in later than intended. While my hypnosis cd may be getting through to my subconscious, its also affecting my sleep. I need to change the time when I listen to the cd.

Spirituality is kind of touch and go for me, although it is something that I value highly. On a scale of one to ten I would rate this a seven. Someday's I'm centered and in communication with God, others I have no idea where I am in relation to God.

Today, in order for me to stretch my spirituality, I commit to relying on God all day. I will rely on God for direction, inspiration, guidance, and love. I will continue to bring myself to God. One thing I can do would be to set an alarm for every hour and bring my mind to God. Another step I might take is to hold onto my rock so that I can continuously be aware of God. In the end, my goal is to stay as close with God as I am able to today. I'm not perfect, which means their are incredible amounts of room for improvement.

Finally, I will look for God today - I will see God today.

Saturday Entertainment

Creating space for fun and entertainment is one of my most difficult areas. I rarely understand what it is I find fun to do and I don't know why this is. What is fun? What is entertaining? If I had to rate this area on a scale of one to ten I'd have to say its at about a two. I'm rating it so low because I generally don't do "fun" things. My focus is usually on work or relaxation. Certainly relaxation is fun to me, sitting in silence for hours is fun for me, but it's certainly not entertaining. It's quite limiting.

I'd love to hear from others what and where they find fun and entertainment in their lives. Is it possible I don't understand the concept?

Today I will stretch myself to discover what is fun and entertaining to me. I'll post what I find at the end of the day.

Well, I tried a few new things today to see if I found them entertaining or fun.

• Hung out at Borders Book store and looked at some art, fashion, and exercise books.
  
• I packed a lunch for a picnic, ate some in my car, some on the nature trails.
• I went to the very short nature trails by my home.
  
• I watched a comedy movie on television
• I spent the day in silence, peacefulness, and contentment.
  
• I drove around and looked at landscaping I enjoyed.
  
• I played around with space planning for a friends loft.
• I made myself and incredible salad for dinner that I enjoyed very much.

In all honesty, I felt like I was pressuring myself to find something fun. I was disappointed that I wasn't really able to. What I enjoyed most about this day was the peace and quiet and the healthy foods that I prepared for myself. Going to the book store and to the nature trails were new things I was trying to see if they were fun. I was thinking that fun and entertainment meant that I needed to "do" something. What I learned today is that fun and entertainment is not necessarily something outside of me, I can be fun and entertained just by enjoying a day alone.

I'm going to raise my rating of fun from the two that I thought it was earlier to an eight. I feel so content this evening, spiritually centered, loving, and peaceful. That's fun!

SETTING MY GOALS

I need to know where I'm going and I won't know if I've gotten there unless I've claimed where and what it is I want to actually create in my life. I'd like to have my goals be as concrete as possible, again, so I know if I've reached them. I will set goals for the seven areas of my life that I believe take all of my focus. My spirituality, romantic relationship, family & friends, my finances, health, career & education and entertainment or having fun. My intention is to create a balance in these areas to the best of my ability and in this lifetime.

SPIRITUAL - To create a personal relationship with God. To learn to trust God with my life. To study religions and learn how others have developed their relationship with God. To look for God every day.

ROMANTIC - Talk kindly. Encourage. Overlook slights and faults. Develop my affectionate side. Be affectionate. Receive affection. Initiate sex. Plan a romantic get away. Plan a romantic evening. Act loving. Show signs of appreciation.

FAMILY - Call Dustin weekly. See Dustin monthly. Plan a family dinner every 2 months. Call Alexis. Do Multiplication with Alexis. Call Derek to see how he's doing. See Derek as successful, happy, prosperous. Make sure that I see Mercedes at least one time per month. Be kind to my father. Call my father once every 2 weeks. Write emails to my father weekly. Call Jeanne and Tim to get together. Meet Anne and Kevin half way for dinner. Do a monthly family email.

FINANCE - Refinance both of our homes to reduce our monthly payments. Apply for the hardship loan. Save 10% of our income. Tithe 10% of our income to wherever we are spiritually fed. Maintain the daily cash logs for both Richard and I. Create new avenues for income. Pray to learn about my financial health in a safe way. Follow the guidance that I am shown to take to the best of my ability.

HEALTH - Create and follow a schedule to go to the grocery store, the fish market, and the Arabic market. Follow the eating plan prescribed by Dr. Paz's office. Set up an exercise program and follow it - make the commitment and stay on schedule. Prioritize exercise. Make doctors appointments as they are needed and show up for those appointments.

CAREER/EDUCATION - School starts next week and I have not determined how I am going to maintain my business and go to graduate school at the same time. Write down my weekly schedule of classes. Follow up on the financial aid.

ENTERTAINMENT/FUN - Plan a night out to the movies. Set up sewing machine in upstairs bedroom and begin working on cashmere blanket project. Walk the labyrinth at the Healing Arts Center. Go to garage sales and find modern furniture to furnish the condo. Staying home and reading a book. Shopping for incredible deals. Spend time outdoors

Life's Balancing Act

These are specific areas in my life that I am always going to want to improve on. These areas include; SPIRITUAL, ROMANCE, FRIENDS and FAMILY, FINANCIAL, CAREER/EDUCATION, HEALTH, and FUN.

If I was to rate where I am at in each of these areas on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis, I would then know what areas are needing the most work to help me live my best life and maybe be my best person.

Each day I plan to focus on one of these areas as the primary and the remaining areas as a secondary. I believe this will help me keep in check with myself, and, also give me a week to come up with some solutions to make the following week more positive.

The breakdown will be as follows:

Sunday - Spiritual Monday - Relationships Tuesday - Friends/Family
Wednesday-Financial Thursday - Career/Educ. Friday - Health
Saturday - Entertain

I'll rate each category between 1 and 10, with 1 being in need of great change and 10 being the most fantastic.

This of course means that I am going to need to put together goals for each area so that I will know what it is that I am wanting to achieve and whether or not I am on the path to achieving those goals.

Since I've been focused so much on food, I realize that there are so many other areas that are needing my attention. With food someday's I fail, some days I succeed. The more days I succeed, the closer I am to my goals (not yet determined). The more days I fail, the more help and/or loving attention I am needing to give that area of my life. Its about balance, being out of balance, getting into balance and winding road between.

I'd love to hear from others about how they are taking care of themselves and what is working best for them.