Change of Plans

Well, I've dropped my architectural classes and taken the steps I need to take to arrange to have the hysterectomy.

I don't really want to write because I'm feeling pretty let down by this. I realize that it'll all work out in the end, I even realize that something good is going to come out of this, however, my hopes were so high that I need to accept that I had a long way to fall.

A difference that I see in my behavior that I may, actually, would not have done in the past, is that I am eating healthy and exercising daily. So, while I do feel down, I am committed to taking care of myself too. Because of these choices that's I'm making it'll be easier for me to get through the emotions that I'm feeling and then be able to spring back up (rather than crawl).

One important change I have made recently is that I have eliminated a medication that I've been on for the past three years. My doctor has had my on two anti-depressants, one for depression and another for anxiety. I recently weened myself off of one of the them and I'm doing really well. Yes, I feel down about school, but its a more natural down rather than a deep depression, nor am I feeling much anxiety. Hmmmm. . . .

Health vs. Education

I'm pretty upset about the results I received from my doctor regarding my blood tests. My hemoglobin is at 8.4 right now and she is recommending that I get a hysterectomy. This doctors opinion is the fourth opinion I've received on this.

I was supposed to start school next week. I won't be able to handle school and a hysterectomy in the same semester. Recovery time is approximately six weeks and I would either need to do it now or when school breaks for the winter. I don't know what to do. I want to start school so badly and I'm afraid that if I don't start school this semester that I'll never go back to school. Right now my schedule is such that I believe I could handle school and my part time career. I'll pray on this and see what guidance I receive. I won't make a decision until I feel certain that I am being shown what I need to do. Actually, it was through prayer that I was shown to go back to school. Why would a hysterectomy come up at the same time?

I have been following the body for life workout program for the past week and the eating plan given to me by my doctor. I actually am feeling pretty good too. The hypnosis session to eliminate my sugar cravings seems to have taken. I stopped eating sugar on August 9th and I'm enjoy carrots and fruits instead. I still listen to the cd each day/evening and am practicing the self hypnosis techniques I was shown. So far its working out great.

SETTING MY GOALS

I need to know where I'm going and I won't know if I've gotten there unless I've claimed where and what it is I want to actually create in my life. I'd like to have my goals be as concrete as possible, again, so I know if I've reached them. I will set goals for the seven areas of my life that I believe take all of my focus. My spirituality, romantic relationship, family & friends, my finances, health, career & education and entertainment or having fun. My intention is to create a balance in these areas to the best of my ability and in this lifetime.

SPIRITUAL - To create a personal relationship with God. To learn to trust God with my life. To study religions and learn how others have developed their relationship with God. To look for God every day.

ROMANTIC - Talk kindly. Encourage. Overlook slights and faults. Develop my affectionate side. Be affectionate. Receive affection. Initiate sex. Plan a romantic get away. Plan a romantic evening. Act loving. Show signs of appreciation.

FAMILY - Call Dustin weekly. See Dustin monthly. Plan a family dinner every 2 months. Call Alexis. Do Multiplication with Alexis. Call Derek to see how he's doing. See Derek as successful, happy, prosperous. Make sure that I see Mercedes at least one time per month. Be kind to my father. Call my father once every 2 weeks. Write emails to my father weekly. Call Jeanne and Tim to get together. Meet Anne and Kevin half way for dinner. Do a monthly family email.

FINANCE - Refinance both of our homes to reduce our monthly payments. Apply for the hardship loan. Save 10% of our income. Tithe 10% of our income to wherever we are spiritually fed. Maintain the daily cash logs for both Richard and I. Create new avenues for income. Pray to learn about my financial health in a safe way. Follow the guidance that I am shown to take to the best of my ability.

HEALTH - Create and follow a schedule to go to the grocery store, the fish market, and the Arabic market. Follow the eating plan prescribed by Dr. Paz's office. Set up an exercise program and follow it - make the commitment and stay on schedule. Prioritize exercise. Make doctors appointments as they are needed and show up for those appointments.

CAREER/EDUCATION - School starts next week and I have not determined how I am going to maintain my business and go to graduate school at the same time. Write down my weekly schedule of classes. Follow up on the financial aid.

ENTERTAINMENT/FUN - Plan a night out to the movies. Set up sewing machine in upstairs bedroom and begin working on cashmere blanket project. Walk the labyrinth at the Healing Arts Center. Go to garage sales and find modern furniture to furnish the condo. Staying home and reading a book. Shopping for incredible deals. Spend time outdoors

Today I Choose HEALTH

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would have to rate where I am at in regards to my health at about a 6. In order for this number to be a 10 I need to increase my hemoglobin, recover from a cold, eat according to the eating plan prescribed to me, follow up with my doctors appointments, make a commitment to an exercise regime, and create a balance in my daily schedule.

What I am doing today to improve my health:

• Scheduled a follow up appointment with my doctor to review a medication that is not working and contributing to my problems with anemia.
  
• Began a program to eliminate one of my anti-depressant medications.
  
• Scheduled a mammogram appointment.
• Listened to my hypnosis tape this morning to help me overcome an addiction to sugar and sugar cravings.
  
• I am making a commitment to the Body for Life workout program. I've printed up the workout forms, put it in my food journal folder, and went to the gym.
• I was larger than my cravings today.
  
• 
  

CFM - Day 26

Started my morning by listening to the hypnosis cd. Felt kind of tired and moved in slow motion this morning. Went to clients, had to hang out for a couple hours doing nothing while waiting for contractors to complete their work. Again, felt tired, antisocial, awkward, didn't want to entertain my clients dramas.

Had a shake this morning, packed nuts for the road, had another shake before running out the door to my clients since it was so close to lunch time. While at my clients instead of eating the nuts I packed first, I made myself another shake believing it was my second shake of the day. I did this same thing yesterday also. Very odd.

I'm drinking a lot of water today, and it does taste fantastic! Also, the meal I made for myself last night was so wonderful that I made another one this evening. I should probably add some shrimp to it though so I can stay close on my program

This evening I had problems with sugar cravings and wanted to go out and get some m&m's. I ended up grabbing some tangerines instead. What was great was that ususally when I begin to get into the craving I'm not able to get my mind off of it for very long. I rarely have the thought of something else to take the place of the craving. It was an aha moment to think the thought of the tangerines.

Actually almost craving water. hmmmm

Finally, again had a craving for that elusive "something" and decided to make put together the remaining items on my food plan. It was late so I wasn't overly excited about cooking, but, I had 6 oz of shrimp, and cooked onions and tomatoes in the remaining 4 tsp of oil.

Didn't work out today and I have it my schedule for tomorrow. I'll go after I get out of my second doctors appointment - early evening.

CFM - Day 25

Had a shake with 1 tsp of flax seed oil this am. Packed 1/8 cup of nuts. Had another shake about 2:00 just before heading to my doctors appointment. Ate the nuts after the appointment.

At my doctors suggestion, I planned to see a hypnotist regarding my sugar addiction. At the end of the workday I reluctantly went in for the appointment. It ended up being a fantastic session. left with a new assignment; listening to a hypnosis cd for the next 21 days. I'll add that to my goals at www.joesgoals.com and track it. I can honestly see where this type of therapy could be extremely affective. Other than a few coughing fits during the session, I was able to stay in the hypnotized state.

The suggestions made during hypnosis were that I would see sugar as just another object, that I would prefer the sugar of fresh fruits and vegetables, that I would prefer the taste of water to sugary tasting drinks. At one point it was stated that I would feel repulsed by sugary foods, they would taste almost sickening, they would taste 10 times sweeter.

I have done group hypnosis in the past specifically for weight loss but it just didn't take. This session was quite different than the group one though. Her voice fluctuated a lot, I could actually feel what she was saying in my chest. Also, at times she said things that weren't how they are stated in proper english. Fortunately she warned me of this ahead of time so that I wouldn't get caught up on it.

When I came home from hypnosis I was far over the amount of time I should have allowed between meals. I was hungry and wanted to just grab something and veg out in front of the tv. What I ended up doing though is preparing a healthy snack/meal of hommus (my legume), veggies with 3 tsp of oil and wheat pita bread. It tasted fantastic and I felt like I was just grabbing something and vegging out. It felt almost effortless to make that healthy treat.

I missed some of my foods today, I ended up having a 3rd shake today in error, but, since I missed foods its probably for the better.

Snacking on grapes in bed and preparing to listen to the cd.

I weighed in at 170 today.

CFM - Day 24

I can tell my hemoglobin has dropped and I am becoming out of breath too easily and I am also overly tired. Damn. I am frustrated with having this problem. I really want it solved. It seems like each time I become aware that I am not falling asleep in the daytime, feeling more energetic than I have in years. . . . I start bleeding heavily and lose the energy. This is such bullshit.

Met with my client today, it was almost more of a social meeting than anything. I'm really trying to get this project rolling, or getting momentum under the rolling and sometimes it goes well other times not so well.

I ate okay today, not great though. I've been tracking my eating on www.joesgoals.com. My exercise has stopped again and I have no desire to start up again. Why? Why? Why will I not get this one? What is blocking me from the exercise routine? When I was skinny, about 115 pounds, I had no problem getting to the gym a few times a week. It felt good, I felt good going, I enjoyed. Now, 50 pounds heavier, I almost refuse to go, I resist it, I fight it, I ignore it and I refuse to put it on my schedule. In the past I didn't even need to put it on my schedule, I just stopped in in the evening hours and put in an hour. It was lovely. Since I moved from that gym I have always had to force myself. What's the deal.

When I start school next week I plan on changing gyms again. Its my goal to go to the gym at the college either before, between or after class. I may be trying to recreate my first experience at college - which was fabulous, but I realize its not recreatable unless I pay down my home by about $250,000.

CFM - Day 23

Out of bed at 6am to take husband to airport. Getting up at odd hours seems to really mess with my day. Returned from airport went back to bed, couldn't sleep, too tired to get up though. ended up playing on the computer and falling asleep at noon. Back up at 2:30 to get ready to go to my sons for dinner. Dinner was very healthy, met all my needs on the plan and I didn't even have a craving to eat ice cream for dessert - even though they were begging me to try it.

I again had the craving to eat sugar on the drive home from Lansing, about 1.5 hours drive. I resisted the urge and made it through another day without eating sugar! Fantastic!

Still have a cold, still having too heavy of a period, am feeling the beginnings of the anemia again. Need to call the doctor and get my medication changed. I'm on this medication because I do not plan on getting a hysterectomy and am searching for another means of correcting the problem without having to go to the extremes of surgery.

I start school in 2 weeks and am getting both nervous and excited. Hopefully my student aid will come through in time, if not I'll have to pay the dues from another source.

CFM - Day 22

Didn't go to bed until 3am last night, woke up at 9:30. I'm going to stay on my eating and exercise program today, hang out with my husband, be nice, and just take care of myself. We plan on going to the gym together and going downtown to the Eastern Market.

Its 1:30 and I've only had a shake, a tsp of oil, and 1/8 cup of nuts. Need to get off my ass and do something.

By the end of the day I have eaten all my foods according to plan. I didn't work out because of very heavy bleeding (obviously my medicine to completely stop this is not working).

Tonight I wanted to eat something with sugar, it kept talking to me from the back of my mind. At one point I decided to run to the store and I felt like I wanted to get sugar. As I was walking out the door I started thinking about how bad I feel the day after I eat a bunch of sugar, actually I recognized that it was going to screw me up for about three days after I ate it only to start the cycle all over again. I didn't want to feel like that. This is a MAJOR victory for me. The agreement I made with myself instead was that I could have something that was not on the plan for a snack food, but that it needed to be something without sugar.

I struggled while at the store, but I felt the decision and determination to follow the plan. I looked at trail mix, but I didn't want to load up with that many calories and the dried fruits have a lot of sugar. I looked at nuts, but again, the calories are so high for the size snack I wanted. I decided on those gold fish crackers, one because I like them, and secondly because I can eat 60 of them and only take on 130 calories. I'm so proud of myself for coming up with this solution.

I actually heard myself going through the denial conversation in my head, "well, I just want to get some m&m's, it'll be okay, I can have them." When I heard that lie playing in my head I wanted to laugh/scoff at it. "Your never going to stop this if you don't stop now, just give it up. Get over it. Its over. You don't want the hangover, the cravings, the problems. Just stop."

CFM - Day 19

Woke up at 4:30 am, obsessed about the remaining M&M's! Waited until my husband got out of bed to go get them and bring them back to bed with me. This is really sad. I know that if it was a bottle of liquor I could say "I'm a drunk" and get help, but, this is a bag of m&m's - who would believe that this is such a problem. Once my mind is stuck in the obsession there seems to be no way for me to get off it.

Other foods I ate today, grapes, about 2 pounds, sushi, a protein shake, miso soup, teas. Still feeling sick and hoping to feel better in the am. No exercise today.

CFM - Day 18

Stuck at home with a cold and fever. Foods way off - so far off I'm not even going to bother. Incredibly, I tried all day to overcome my sugar cravings, but, at 8pm I ended up going out and getting 2 14 oz bags of peanut m&m's. What a druggie!? I could not stop myself and didn't or don't have enough tools in place to get outside help to stop me. This is ridiculous. Of course, the sugar is going to, in the end, make me feel worse. I know this and I don't have enough to stop this on my own. I hate this part of me. I ate the 1 14 oz bag and than part of the 2nd bag.

CFM - Day 17

Set alarm for 7am, got up at 8:15. Had a 9am appointment though so was rushing around to get ready. Had a shake, packed a shake, a peach, a pear, and 1/4 cup of nuts. Forgot my lunch though. Damn. Oh well, went to my meetings, didn't take a lunch break, and now I've returned home feeling weak, and tired. I've eaten the lunch I packed and am hoping to regain some energy soon. My son and his girlfriend are on their way over to visit and I'm needing energy. I'll grab a cup of coffee and see if that helps me at all.

CFM - Day 16

I have a sore throat today and am not feeling to well. Husband and I sat down and made some financial decisions together. 1. Take our home off the market. 2. Pay the balance past due (about $15,000) from our retirement account 457. 3. Rent out our condo on the detroit river. 4. Have a garage sale next weekend. 5. Do an inventory of our artwork and sell it at a local gallery. 6. Reduce our current monthly expenses by appx $1000. 7. Husband to check out a different gym (we pay $200 month) that charges $50 month, I will go to the gym at the college I'll start attending later this month - free. 8. Stop the cleaning service for $200 a month. 9. I have to cut out my internet clothes shopping (appx $500 month). There's $850. 10. Possibly get rid of cable $100 month. 11. Husband to cut his own hair with #2 saving $70. 12. Cut coupons 13. Use less electricity (I leave a LOT of lights on) 14. Cut down on our gas use - double and triple up where we're going. 15. Trade in one of our cars for a smaller car. 16. Cut back on eating out $200 a month. 17. Refinance both of our houses (? savings)

I think by us taking these steps husband and I can get some of the stress off of us a

CFM - Day 15

Off the plan completely today. Was up until 3am fighting with husband and felt hungover and drugged this morning. Emotionally hungover. Went to dentist before I had anything to eat, went to grocery store with the intention of eating sugar, bought sushi, nuts, oatmeal raisen cookies (12 oz), m&m's (12 oz), hommus, and wheat crackers. Came home, took the sushi, cookies and m&m's up to bed and have been in bed the ENTIRE day. Its now 8:30 pm and I have not gotten out of bed. I'm full, I feel sick, I am actually laying on my stomach on an angle because my stomach is too big and full to lay directly on it. Yuck. Don't want to exist. Don't want to make any effort. Don't want to be responsible for myself right now. I just want to disappear. I feel depressed.

CFM - Day 14

Today I didn't set an alarm and I woke up at 8:30. I have a fairly open day today, many things I could be doing, nothing I have to be doing. I'll be focusing on my own house today though. Our electrician is going to be at our condo today (a renovation project almost completed) and, since he's relapsed on drugs, I've asked my husband to be there so I feel safer. The electrician is actually a friend of my husbands from AA so he's much more comfortable than I am.

I plan on taking EXTREME care of myself today. Later. . . . . well, no extreme care taken today.

I did well throughout the day, ran late in a meeting this evening and was overly hungry by the time I arrived at the restaurant. Oh well, did my best to maintain a reasonable eating plan. 2 or 3 (probably 3) pieces of bread, a cucumber and yogurt dip, and octopus - fantastic dinner. Then went next door and got an ice cream cone with a single scoop. I'm happy with how I ate today, happy that I was able to deal with the feeling that there might not be enough food for me. There was plenty and I didn't feel like I needed more.

Went for a walk for about 25 minutes outside. Had a few meetings I had to get to so I cut it a little short.

Spent the evening arguing with my husband. Was REALLY pissed off at him tonight - stormed out of the house, accidently cracked the mirror on the back of my door. I was MADDER than I ever recall being. I actually wanted to hit him - I have NEVER felt that way! It was really awful.
Don't know if we worked through it or not, but, we are sleeping in seperate beds tonight.

CFM - Day 13

Funny, but I don't feel like writing today. Took my 3 prescription medications, not my vitamins. Was running behind this morning, almost didn't bother with my food because I knew I had contractors waiting for me at a job site. Stopped myself, forced myself to make a protein shake, pack some nuts and carrots and ran out the door. The contractor could wait a couple extra minutes, I couldn't afford to miss my food.

On the way out of the clients I ate my carrots and headed directly to the design center to place orders I've needed to place for two months. I'm so behind in my ordering and my finances that I am certain these are contributing to my emotional eating.

Right now I am 3 house payments behind - which is a place I've never been before. Somehow, the mortgage company lost one of my payments, and refusing to correct it. This has caused my credit rating to plummet. I'm not able to refinance and in the meantime my interest has gone up to 13.99! Ridiculous. The payments are $4100 a month - in addition to a $2000 mortgage payment on my second home. I'm not able to keep up right now. This is the reason I'm so far behind on my orders too. The problem has been compounded because I'm using clients order money to catch up on my mortgage payments. . . . and the cycle continues.

Three years ago I had a large furniture store. I made quite a bit of money - the store was prosperous. (because I was tithing primarily) I was able to pay my bills on time even though I had some incredible bills. The store was destroyed one day in a flood, and even though I had insurance with Hastings Mutual the insurance company gave me a hard time. Six months after the flood, sitting in a moldy showroom with no inventory, I decided to move out of the building. Seven months after the flood the insurance company gave me some money for my inventory. Money trickled in, literally, enough to pay an employee and a phone bill, enough to pay my IRS payment, etc. I settled with the insurance company three years after the flood. I had lost my business and was now in some fairly serious debt.

Oh well, life goes on. I continued to keep up and it was only in the past few months that I've not been able to. So, I need to get back up, dust myself off, and find a way to get through this.

In the meantime, one of my homes is for sale, the economy here is shit and I haven't had a single offer in three years. The house has gone from $380,000 down to $315,000 and nothing. Its not that the house is ugly either. I'm a designer for a living - I've been in national magazines for design. The market just isn't here right now. The people that keep looking at the house are people who can't afford it. "Oh we're waiting till it comes down to under $300000 the last one told me" Damn. I owe $314,000 on it!

Anyway, this is having an impact on my eating. I obsess about unhealthy foods when I begin to feel fearful. Instead of focusing on the problem my mind shifts over to "self destructive" behaviors.

Today I was able to maintain my eating plan for the most part. I was riddled with cravings for sugar and ended up eating an overage of nuts instead. Damn! I did workout today also though, 30 minutes on the elliptical and 45 minutes of weights. My husbands been helping me with my weight training and I'm so grateful because I don't believe I'd follow through on this without his help. Certainly I wouldn't be working out as hard as he has me working out. I'll try again tomorrow.

CFM - Day 9

Woke up at 12:30pm today. Feeling tired, believe its from all the sugar I ate last night and from staying up arguing with my husband. Its now 2:15pm and I haven't eaten anything yet so I'd better start.

I need a solution to this sugar addiction. Its an enormous problem and I don't seem to have the power to control it. I don't have enough power/strength over my mind and body to stop this.

Okay, had a shake, an apple, and 1/4 cup of nuts. Went to the gym and put in 45 minutes on the eliptical. Still feeling hung over and out of sorts from both the anger from yesterday and the sugar from yesterday. One thing I am realizing from writing this blog daily is how much sugar and anger are having to be written about.

Had a shake with 2 oils just prior to going to the gym.

Had 6 oz of salmon, 1/2 cup rice, 1/2 cup lentil soup and a carrot for dinner tonight. Bed by 9:30. Ate most of my foods today was missing the vegtables.

CFM - Day 8

Saturday. Dad came over at noon. We had a big lunch, salmon, rice, salad, fruit. Felt strange to eat my largest meal at the beginning of my day. I felt off on my food because of it. Had a second serving of fruit about 4pm. Went to the movies, cut back on my size of m and m's to a 12 ounce package instead of a 20 oz package. Came home about 10pm had 2 shakes and 3 oils so that I could "say" I ate the right foods today. Such bullshit. Pissed off tonight, fighting with husband.

CFM - Day 7

I didn't set an alarm for this morning, but I got up at 7am. As I expected, today was a rough day. Whenever I binge on sugar I feel awful the following day. My emotions are pretty much all over the board, with a quick anger response. My father was supposed to spend the night tonight but he called with a change of plans. I'm glad he didn't make it, not because I didn't want him to stay, but because my energy is so messed up from all the sugar in my body. Very similiar to being hung over from a drunk.

This morning I started out with an apple and 1/4 cup of nuts, a few hours later I had a shake. I'm flashing in and out of cravings throughout the entire day and especially the evening. At about 5:30 (quite a few hours late), I had 3 peaches and about 3/4 cup of nuts. Frustrated, hungry, but not wanting to prepare anything, I ended up eating about 4 oz of salmon from last nights left overs, and grabbed a bag of already washed celery. I layed down and was reading a book, munching on celery feeling very discontent. About 7pm I got up, made myself a shake with 4 tsp of oil, and hour later I threw 1/2 cup of lentils and 1/2 cup of rice in the micro. I didn't want the lentils and rice, my tastebuds are screwed up from all the sugar and all I want is something sweet. I ended up not eating the soup and rice and grabbed a half a seedless watermelon and ate about 1/4 of it.

I really didn't want to go to the gym, but, since I needed to pick up some pillowcases for my guests, I decided that I would go to the gym which is right next door to Bed, Bath, Beyond. That's it though - that's all I did today. Again, I forced myself to do 35 minutes of cardio. I've been restless, tired, edgy, angry, craving foods, and feeling frustrated.

It's midnight now and I've just eaten 1/2 cup of peanuts and a glass of water. I feel frustrated because there really isn't anything in the house that I really want to eat (chocolate), and earlier tonight I decided not to go out of the house because I knew I'd buy sweets. I'm feeling controlled and frustrated by this addiction. Yet, at the end of this day I have to say, "thank God I didn't eat sugar today." Even though the entire day I've been obsessed about it.

CFM - Day 6

Set alarm for 7am and got up at 7:09. Had to fast before taking some blood tests at 9:00. Packed an apple and nuts for when test was completed. Craving a bagel and cream cheese on my way back home. Talked myself through it by shifting my thoughts to the protein shake I would have when I got home. Returned home at 10:30. Made a shake.

Have the urge to take a nap, however, I honestly want to make another choice, so, I will push through it. I know that I can go to bed early tonight if I want to.

Oh well, ended up taking a three hour nap from 12 to 3pm!

Had a shake and an apple at 5:00. Waiting on husband because I'd like to go out for sushi. If he doesn't hurry, I'll have to go alone.

Showed my house today for the third time to this couple. It'd be great to be able to sell it. Michigan's housing market is pretty rough right now and I currently own two houses. I'm ready to move into a small loft that I've completely renovated and let go of my larger home. Fingers Crossed.

9:00 Husband and I went out for sushi. I had a bowl of soup, a salad, 2 egg, 2 salmon, 1 yellowfin tuna, and 4 pieces of vegetable roll. Then I had about 3 oz of salmon and packaged the remaining to take home. As soon as I walked out the door though I was hit with a craving for ice cream. I felt really angry about it. I tried talking with my husband about it but that just frustrated me more. While we were driving home I was obsessing on ice cream, than chocolate, than m & m's. I was not able to let go of the obsession. I asked my husband to stop at CVS and I went in and bought a 20 oz bag of peanut m&m's. Even as I'm writing this, the m&m's are distracting to me I want to hurry up and finish typing so I can go up to my room and eat them.