CFM - Day 26

Started my morning by listening to the hypnosis cd. Felt kind of tired and moved in slow motion this morning. Went to clients, had to hang out for a couple hours doing nothing while waiting for contractors to complete their work. Again, felt tired, antisocial, awkward, didn't want to entertain my clients dramas.

Had a shake this morning, packed nuts for the road, had another shake before running out the door to my clients since it was so close to lunch time. While at my clients instead of eating the nuts I packed first, I made myself another shake believing it was my second shake of the day. I did this same thing yesterday also. Very odd.

I'm drinking a lot of water today, and it does taste fantastic! Also, the meal I made for myself last night was so wonderful that I made another one this evening. I should probably add some shrimp to it though so I can stay close on my program

This evening I had problems with sugar cravings and wanted to go out and get some m&m's. I ended up grabbing some tangerines instead. What was great was that ususally when I begin to get into the craving I'm not able to get my mind off of it for very long. I rarely have the thought of something else to take the place of the craving. It was an aha moment to think the thought of the tangerines.

Actually almost craving water. hmmmm

Finally, again had a craving for that elusive "something" and decided to make put together the remaining items on my food plan. It was late so I wasn't overly excited about cooking, but, I had 6 oz of shrimp, and cooked onions and tomatoes in the remaining 4 tsp of oil.

Didn't work out today and I have it my schedule for tomorrow. I'll go after I get out of my second doctors appointment - early evening.

CFM - Day 24

I can tell my hemoglobin has dropped and I am becoming out of breath too easily and I am also overly tired. Damn. I am frustrated with having this problem. I really want it solved. It seems like each time I become aware that I am not falling asleep in the daytime, feeling more energetic than I have in years. . . . I start bleeding heavily and lose the energy. This is such bullshit.

Met with my client today, it was almost more of a social meeting than anything. I'm really trying to get this project rolling, or getting momentum under the rolling and sometimes it goes well other times not so well.

I ate okay today, not great though. I've been tracking my eating on www.joesgoals.com. My exercise has stopped again and I have no desire to start up again. Why? Why? Why will I not get this one? What is blocking me from the exercise routine? When I was skinny, about 115 pounds, I had no problem getting to the gym a few times a week. It felt good, I felt good going, I enjoyed. Now, 50 pounds heavier, I almost refuse to go, I resist it, I fight it, I ignore it and I refuse to put it on my schedule. In the past I didn't even need to put it on my schedule, I just stopped in in the evening hours and put in an hour. It was lovely. Since I moved from that gym I have always had to force myself. What's the deal.

When I start school next week I plan on changing gyms again. Its my goal to go to the gym at the college either before, between or after class. I may be trying to recreate my first experience at college - which was fabulous, but I realize its not recreatable unless I pay down my home by about $250,000.

CFM - Day 23

Out of bed at 6am to take husband to airport. Getting up at odd hours seems to really mess with my day. Returned from airport went back to bed, couldn't sleep, too tired to get up though. ended up playing on the computer and falling asleep at noon. Back up at 2:30 to get ready to go to my sons for dinner. Dinner was very healthy, met all my needs on the plan and I didn't even have a craving to eat ice cream for dessert - even though they were begging me to try it.

I again had the craving to eat sugar on the drive home from Lansing, about 1.5 hours drive. I resisted the urge and made it through another day without eating sugar! Fantastic!

Still have a cold, still having too heavy of a period, am feeling the beginnings of the anemia again. Need to call the doctor and get my medication changed. I'm on this medication because I do not plan on getting a hysterectomy and am searching for another means of correcting the problem without having to go to the extremes of surgery.

I start school in 2 weeks and am getting both nervous and excited. Hopefully my student aid will come through in time, if not I'll have to pay the dues from another source.

CFM - Day 20

A little better of this am. I'm not loaded up with sugar so my emotions are leveller than they have been. I did cancel my appointments for this morning because I'm really not up to them today. I'm planning to stay home and take care of paperwork and take care of myself.

I've arranged to have both of my houses refinanced, they are both in the process of the applications now. I've contacted the University I'll be attending later this month to check up on my financial aid. I've been placing my clients orders so things are getting caught up better. I'm also working with companies so that I can generate an income over the next couple of months. I'm applying for a hardship loan from a contribution program from my husbands work in order to bring the main house payment current. I'm stressing out about not shopping on the internet, its really hard for me not to! We've given the cleaning service a 30 day notice, and my husband needs to get to the new gym so we can put in a notice at our old gym also.

I'm writing about these financial issues because I believe they are related to how I take care of myself and to my eating patterns.

I did much better with my eating today. I missed 2 tsp's of oil and 1 protein. I think that's fantastic after how I've been eating though. Feeling better this evening and plan to return to work tomorrow.

I finished the evening off with going over on my fruits - I had an extra 2 or 3 servings of grapes. I think I'm only supposed to eat 12 grapes as a serving, so I had at least 36 grapes.

Just read an article about sugar, they referred to it as "extremely addicting", I certainly know that is true. In the article they recommended using stevia. I do have some packets in the house and I can try this. What I believe I need to do though is completely eliminate sugar from my eating plan. The problem, or what I am afraid of is the results of removing it completely from my diet. I'm afraid I'll go on a 6 month binge of sugar or something.

I stopped drinking about 15 years ago. I never have a drink. I have little desire for a drink (only when I'm not dealing with my anger), and I know that if I have a drink I'll probably go off the deep end. Because I'm so self conscious in front of others this helps me to not drink. However, I don't have those same fears with sugar. I can't seem to just give up sugar because its not good for me. I don't care enough about myself for that to happen. It seems like I can give up an addiction for others, rarely for myself though. Hmmmmmm...... I do want to stop this sugar situation.

Something I heard altered to relate to my situation: "Every time you say yes to that binge, you say no to health, wellness, and goodness in your life. Every time you say no to that binge, you say yes to your life"

CFM - Day 18

Stuck at home with a cold and fever. Foods way off - so far off I'm not even going to bother. Incredibly, I tried all day to overcome my sugar cravings, but, at 8pm I ended up going out and getting 2 14 oz bags of peanut m&m's. What a druggie!? I could not stop myself and didn't or don't have enough tools in place to get outside help to stop me. This is ridiculous. Of course, the sugar is going to, in the end, make me feel worse. I know this and I don't have enough to stop this on my own. I hate this part of me. I ate the 1 14 oz bag and than part of the 2nd bag.

CFM - Day 16

I have a sore throat today and am not feeling to well. Husband and I sat down and made some financial decisions together. 1. Take our home off the market. 2. Pay the balance past due (about $15,000) from our retirement account 457. 3. Rent out our condo on the detroit river. 4. Have a garage sale next weekend. 5. Do an inventory of our artwork and sell it at a local gallery. 6. Reduce our current monthly expenses by appx $1000. 7. Husband to check out a different gym (we pay $200 month) that charges $50 month, I will go to the gym at the college I'll start attending later this month - free. 8. Stop the cleaning service for $200 a month. 9. I have to cut out my internet clothes shopping (appx $500 month). There's $850. 10. Possibly get rid of cable $100 month. 11. Husband to cut his own hair with #2 saving $70. 12. Cut coupons 13. Use less electricity (I leave a LOT of lights on) 14. Cut down on our gas use - double and triple up where we're going. 15. Trade in one of our cars for a smaller car. 16. Cut back on eating out $200 a month. 17. Refinance both of our houses (? savings)

I think by us taking these steps husband and I can get some of the stress off of us a

CFM - Day 13

Funny, but I don't feel like writing today. Took my 3 prescription medications, not my vitamins. Was running behind this morning, almost didn't bother with my food because I knew I had contractors waiting for me at a job site. Stopped myself, forced myself to make a protein shake, pack some nuts and carrots and ran out the door. The contractor could wait a couple extra minutes, I couldn't afford to miss my food.

On the way out of the clients I ate my carrots and headed directly to the design center to place orders I've needed to place for two months. I'm so behind in my ordering and my finances that I am certain these are contributing to my emotional eating.

Right now I am 3 house payments behind - which is a place I've never been before. Somehow, the mortgage company lost one of my payments, and refusing to correct it. This has caused my credit rating to plummet. I'm not able to refinance and in the meantime my interest has gone up to 13.99! Ridiculous. The payments are $4100 a month - in addition to a $2000 mortgage payment on my second home. I'm not able to keep up right now. This is the reason I'm so far behind on my orders too. The problem has been compounded because I'm using clients order money to catch up on my mortgage payments. . . . and the cycle continues.

Three years ago I had a large furniture store. I made quite a bit of money - the store was prosperous. (because I was tithing primarily) I was able to pay my bills on time even though I had some incredible bills. The store was destroyed one day in a flood, and even though I had insurance with Hastings Mutual the insurance company gave me a hard time. Six months after the flood, sitting in a moldy showroom with no inventory, I decided to move out of the building. Seven months after the flood the insurance company gave me some money for my inventory. Money trickled in, literally, enough to pay an employee and a phone bill, enough to pay my IRS payment, etc. I settled with the insurance company three years after the flood. I had lost my business and was now in some fairly serious debt.

Oh well, life goes on. I continued to keep up and it was only in the past few months that I've not been able to. So, I need to get back up, dust myself off, and find a way to get through this.

In the meantime, one of my homes is for sale, the economy here is shit and I haven't had a single offer in three years. The house has gone from $380,000 down to $315,000 and nothing. Its not that the house is ugly either. I'm a designer for a living - I've been in national magazines for design. The market just isn't here right now. The people that keep looking at the house are people who can't afford it. "Oh we're waiting till it comes down to under $300000 the last one told me" Damn. I owe $314,000 on it!

Anyway, this is having an impact on my eating. I obsess about unhealthy foods when I begin to feel fearful. Instead of focusing on the problem my mind shifts over to "self destructive" behaviors.

Today I was able to maintain my eating plan for the most part. I was riddled with cravings for sugar and ended up eating an overage of nuts instead. Damn! I did workout today also though, 30 minutes on the elliptical and 45 minutes of weights. My husbands been helping me with my weight training and I'm so grateful because I don't believe I'd follow through on this without his help. Certainly I wouldn't be working out as hard as he has me working out. I'll try again tomorrow.

CFM - Day 12

Set my alarm for 7am, woke up at 8:30. Spent time on my goals and intentions this morning. This helps me feel centered and in better control of my life, versus feeling afraid.

I've set some very specific goals that I will accomplish. Sell our home. Get all of my clients orders in. Generate the income to be in school on August 27th, committing to my eating and exercise program, set up a financial "emergency" account immediately.

Began the day with a shake and a tsp of oil, cut back on the amount of am vitamins, split them into a 3x a day schedule - feel better already. Went to the gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't even consider not going!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never crossed my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Decided to go to the gym before I started my work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spent 20 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the treadmill.
Returned home, had a shake with an apple and some of my vitamins. This feels fantastic!!!

Worked in my home office, ran to the bank, and almost exactly 3 hours after having my apple and shake I felt a bit overly hungry. I had another apple and a carrot.

This evening I had 6 oz of Tuna, 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 cup garbonzo, 3 oils, green beans, and mushrooms. I'm full, no cravings happening today. Decided to go to bed at 9pm so I can read, write in my blog, and do some spiritual exercises. A great day! (this am I weighed 163.5)

CFM - Day 8

Saturday. Dad came over at noon. We had a big lunch, salmon, rice, salad, fruit. Felt strange to eat my largest meal at the beginning of my day. I felt off on my food because of it. Had a second serving of fruit about 4pm. Went to the movies, cut back on my size of m and m's to a 12 ounce package instead of a 20 oz package. Came home about 10pm had 2 shakes and 3 oils so that I could "say" I ate the right foods today. Such bullshit. Pissed off tonight, fighting with husband.

CFM - Day 6

Set alarm for 7am and got up at 7:09. Had to fast before taking some blood tests at 9:00. Packed an apple and nuts for when test was completed. Craving a bagel and cream cheese on my way back home. Talked myself through it by shifting my thoughts to the protein shake I would have when I got home. Returned home at 10:30. Made a shake.

Have the urge to take a nap, however, I honestly want to make another choice, so, I will push through it. I know that I can go to bed early tonight if I want to.

Oh well, ended up taking a three hour nap from 12 to 3pm!

Had a shake and an apple at 5:00. Waiting on husband because I'd like to go out for sushi. If he doesn't hurry, I'll have to go alone.

Showed my house today for the third time to this couple. It'd be great to be able to sell it. Michigan's housing market is pretty rough right now and I currently own two houses. I'm ready to move into a small loft that I've completely renovated and let go of my larger home. Fingers Crossed.

9:00 Husband and I went out for sushi. I had a bowl of soup, a salad, 2 egg, 2 salmon, 1 yellowfin tuna, and 4 pieces of vegetable roll. Then I had about 3 oz of salmon and packaged the remaining to take home. As soon as I walked out the door though I was hit with a craving for ice cream. I felt really angry about it. I tried talking with my husband about it but that just frustrated me more. While we were driving home I was obsessing on ice cream, than chocolate, than m & m's. I was not able to let go of the obsession. I asked my husband to stop at CVS and I went in and bought a 20 oz bag of peanut m&m's. Even as I'm writing this, the m&m's are distracting to me I want to hurry up and finish typing so I can go up to my room and eat them.

CFM - Day 2

July 22: I've prepared much of the foods I'll be needing for the next few days. Brown Rice, Cooked Shrimp, Lentil Soup, Salad, and measured and packaged nuts. Then I went to the gym for a 45 minute workout. This morning I had a shake for breakfast later I had a serving of nuts. Before I went to the gym I had another shake with a tsp. of oil. After I got back from the gym I had 1/2 cup of lentil soup. For dinner I ate a salad with red wine vinegar and 3 tsp of oil, a carrot, 6 oz of shrimp and 1/2 cup of brown rice. I'm finishing off the day with 2 servings of fruit, an apple and a cup of raspberries.

Success!

Signs That I'm Self Destructing

I have some obvious (in hindsight) signs that I'm on the path to my self destruction. These signs begin simple enough, but then they are compounded as I continue to chip away at the positive behaviors I am trying to incorporate into my daily lifestyle. . . . .

• I stop wearing my seatbelt (this is one of my first signs)


• I begin taking only my prescription medications, and eliminate my vitamins.


• I start throwing my clothes on the floor when undressing.


• My clean clothes and dirty clothes are now mixed up together on the bedroom floor


• I stop doing my laundry


• I do a load of laundry and leave it in the washer. . . . for days. . .rewash. . . leave it in washer. . . . etc.


• I don't want to talk on the phone.


• I don't return phone calls.


• I let my voice mail get full and I don't clear it.


• I begin sleeping in until noon


• I take naps! Major problem! I will take a 3 to 4 hour nap in the middle of my business day - getting virtually nothing done. A few days in a row of this and I am way behind in my work.


• I don't wear my rubber bands for my braces


• I miss doctors appointments


• I avoid making doctors appointments


• My house is messy and I don't have the desire or energy to do anything about it.


• I've run out of food and I don't go grocery shopping.


• I'm off my eating plan - usually because I've run out of the foods I need.


• I start skipping meals


• I feel unorganized, less than, or depressed.


• I spend money without paying attention to my finances.


• I pay my bills late


• I harm my credit rating by waiting over 30 days to pay a bill.


• I don't open my mail and ignore that I have any bills at all.


• It appears as though I am trying to gain weight, or sabotage the weight loss I have experienced to date.


• I binge eat on primarily sugar.


• I resist exercising.

CFM - Day 1

July 21: Today I woke up at 11:30 a.m., ate 2 pieces of Pizza Hut Pizza and 2 cups of coffee. Couple hours later I ate 1/4 cup of pumpkin seeds, an apple and a glass of water and FINALLY (its been a month) went to the gym. I worked out on the elliptical for 45 minutes! Then I ate sushi california roll and some other kind of roll I don't know the name of. I also ate a large bowl of grapes. Later when my husband went to work I was wanting to just munch on something - chocolate preferably, but, since there wasn't any in the house and I didn't want to go out and get some, I ate another bowl of grapes and another piece of pizza and a piece of garlic bread (that I didn't really like because it was dry) . Still craving chocolate I made myself a chocolate protein shake. Went to bed about 11:00 with a diet coke and 1/2 cup of pumpkin seeds.

Although this doesn't sound like too terrible of a day, I'm not even close to the eating plan I've been given to follow by my doctor. I'll try again on Sunday.