Thursday, August 30, 2007

Change of Plans

Well, I've dropped my architectural classes and taken the steps I need to take to arrange to have the hysterectomy.

I don't really want to write because I'm feeling pretty let down by this. I realize that it'll all work out in the end, I even realize that something good is going to come out of this, however, my hopes were so high that I need to accept that I had a long way to fall.

A difference that I see in my behavior that I may, actually, would not have done in the past, is that I am eating healthy and exercising daily. So, while I do feel down, I am committed to taking care of myself too. Because of these choices that's I'm making it'll be easier for me to get through the emotions that I'm feeling and then be able to spring back up (rather than crawl).

One important change I have made recently is that I have eliminated a medication that I've been on for the past three years. My doctor has had my on two anti-depressants, one for depression and another for anxiety. I recently weened myself off of one of the them and I'm doing really well. Yes, I feel down about school, but its a more natural down rather than a deep depression, nor am I feeling much anxiety. Hmmmm. . . .

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Alcoholic Relapse

Yesterday my son came over and informed me that his father had relapsed on alcohol and smoking. He was, of course, very upset. First his dad offered him a beer, and when he said "sure", his dad ordered one for himself also. My son was stunned. Twenty years ago my ex husband stopped drinking, six years ago he stopped smoking. His drinking stopped when he lost his job and was given the ultimatum of rehab to get his job back. His smoking stopped when he was hospitalized with a collapsed lung. It's taken an awful lot to get this man to respond.

Personally, I believe Rick, my ex, has been given his warnings. I believe he's choosing to ignore those warnings. Finally, I believe that he's not going to get any more warnings but that he is going to kill himself.

I have never seen a worse drunk than my ex husband and I have been in AA and sober for sixteen years myself. I just don't think he's gonna make it back.

I'm sure there are going to be blessings from this experience for my two sons, but right now its difficult to see. My youngest has the tendency to become addicted to mood altering vices. Hopefully, he will witness why it's important to take care of yourself and not become attached to things that are destructive.

My very best right now is to pray for all of them and hope that their father really can find recovery, and/or my youngest will find it also. My oldest son has belonged to alanon for a couple years now and has changed his life.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would rate my relationship with my family as an 8. In order for it to be a 10 I, myself would be going to alanon meetings, and I would be making an effort to have family dinners.