Saturday, August 4, 2007

CFM - Day 15

Off the plan completely today. Was up until 3am fighting with husband and felt hungover and drugged this morning. Emotionally hungover. Went to dentist before I had anything to eat, went to grocery store with the intention of eating sugar, bought sushi, nuts, oatmeal raisen cookies (12 oz), m&m's (12 oz), hommus, and wheat crackers. Came home, took the sushi, cookies and m&m's up to bed and have been in bed the ENTIRE day. Its now 8:30 pm and I have not gotten out of bed. I'm full, I feel sick, I am actually laying on my stomach on an angle because my stomach is too big and full to lay directly on it. Yuck. Don't want to exist. Don't want to make any effort. Don't want to be responsible for myself right now. I just want to disappear. I feel depressed.

Friday, August 3, 2007

CFM - Day 14

Today I didn't set an alarm and I woke up at 8:30. I have a fairly open day today, many things I could be doing, nothing I have to be doing. I'll be focusing on my own house today though. Our electrician is going to be at our condo today (a renovation project almost completed) and, since he's relapsed on drugs, I've asked my husband to be there so I feel safer. The electrician is actually a friend of my husbands from AA so he's much more comfortable than I am.

I plan on taking EXTREME care of myself today. Later. . . . . well, no extreme care taken today.

I did well throughout the day, ran late in a meeting this evening and was overly hungry by the time I arrived at the restaurant. Oh well, did my best to maintain a reasonable eating plan. 2 or 3 (probably 3) pieces of bread, a cucumber and yogurt dip, and octopus - fantastic dinner. Then went next door and got an ice cream cone with a single scoop. I'm happy with how I ate today, happy that I was able to deal with the feeling that there might not be enough food for me. There was plenty and I didn't feel like I needed more.

Went for a walk for about 25 minutes outside. Had a few meetings I had to get to so I cut it a little short.

Spent the evening arguing with my husband. Was REALLY pissed off at him tonight - stormed out of the house, accidently cracked the mirror on the back of my door. I was MADDER than I ever recall being. I actually wanted to hit him - I have NEVER felt that way! It was really awful.
Don't know if we worked through it or not, but, we are sleeping in seperate beds tonight.

CFM - Day 13

Funny, but I don't feel like writing today. Took my 3 prescription medications, not my vitamins. Was running behind this morning, almost didn't bother with my food because I knew I had contractors waiting for me at a job site. Stopped myself, forced myself to make a protein shake, pack some nuts and carrots and ran out the door. The contractor could wait a couple extra minutes, I couldn't afford to miss my food.

On the way out of the clients I ate my carrots and headed directly to the design center to place orders I've needed to place for two months. I'm so behind in my ordering and my finances that I am certain these are contributing to my emotional eating.

Right now I am 3 house payments behind - which is a place I've never been before. Somehow, the mortgage company lost one of my payments, and refusing to correct it. This has caused my credit rating to plummet. I'm not able to refinance and in the meantime my interest has gone up to 13.99! Ridiculous. The payments are $4100 a month - in addition to a $2000 mortgage payment on my second home. I'm not able to keep up right now. This is the reason I'm so far behind on my orders too. The problem has been compounded because I'm using clients order money to catch up on my mortgage payments. . . . and the cycle continues.

Three years ago I had a large furniture store. I made quite a bit of money - the store was prosperous. (because I was tithing primarily) I was able to pay my bills on time even though I had some incredible bills. The store was destroyed one day in a flood, and even though I had insurance with Hastings Mutual the insurance company gave me a hard time. Six months after the flood, sitting in a moldy showroom with no inventory, I decided to move out of the building. Seven months after the flood the insurance company gave me some money for my inventory. Money trickled in, literally, enough to pay an employee and a phone bill, enough to pay my IRS payment, etc. I settled with the insurance company three years after the flood. I had lost my business and was now in some fairly serious debt.

Oh well, life goes on. I continued to keep up and it was only in the past few months that I've not been able to. So, I need to get back up, dust myself off, and find a way to get through this.

In the meantime, one of my homes is for sale, the economy here is shit and I haven't had a single offer in three years. The house has gone from $380,000 down to $315,000 and nothing. Its not that the house is ugly either. I'm a designer for a living - I've been in national magazines for design. The market just isn't here right now. The people that keep looking at the house are people who can't afford it. "Oh we're waiting till it comes down to under $300000 the last one told me" Damn. I owe $314,000 on it!

Anyway, this is having an impact on my eating. I obsess about unhealthy foods when I begin to feel fearful. Instead of focusing on the problem my mind shifts over to "self destructive" behaviors.

Today I was able to maintain my eating plan for the most part. I was riddled with cravings for sugar and ended up eating an overage of nuts instead. Damn! I did workout today also though, 30 minutes on the elliptical and 45 minutes of weights. My husbands been helping me with my weight training and I'm so grateful because I don't believe I'd follow through on this without his help. Certainly I wouldn't be working out as hard as he has me working out. I'll try again tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

CFM - Day 12

Set my alarm for 7am, woke up at 8:30. Spent time on my goals and intentions this morning. This helps me feel centered and in better control of my life, versus feeling afraid.

I've set some very specific goals that I will accomplish. Sell our home. Get all of my clients orders in. Generate the income to be in school on August 27th, committing to my eating and exercise program, set up a financial "emergency" account immediately.

Began the day with a shake and a tsp of oil, cut back on the amount of am vitamins, split them into a 3x a day schedule - feel better already. Went to the gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't even consider not going!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never crossed my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Decided to go to the gym before I started my work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spent 20 minutes on the elliptical and 30 minutes on the treadmill.
Returned home, had a shake with an apple and some of my vitamins. This feels fantastic!!!

Worked in my home office, ran to the bank, and almost exactly 3 hours after having my apple and shake I felt a bit overly hungry. I had another apple and a carrot.

This evening I had 6 oz of Tuna, 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 cup garbonzo, 3 oils, green beans, and mushrooms. I'm full, no cravings happening today. Decided to go to bed at 9pm so I can read, write in my blog, and do some spiritual exercises. A great day! (this am I weighed 163.5)

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

CFM - Day 11

I made it through this day today perfectly on both food and exercise. I'm ready to turn the corner and just plow through this thing now. Even though I was bitchy, tired, took a nap, unproductive and discontent, I turned it around.

Monday, July 30, 2007

CFM - Day 10

Well its a new week and I have an appointment with the doctor today. My blood test results should be back and I'll finally be able to see where my hemoglobin is. Last time we checked it was 9.6.

Had a shake for breakfast, packed a salad with 1/2 cup of rice, 1/2 cup of garbonzo beans, 1 carrot, and 2 medium peaches. While at my clients I didn't eat anything and I did need to. I was feeling nervous because I didn't have my drawings completed for her and I felt like I had to overcompensate my services.

When I left my clients I ate the 2 peaches. I now have about 1/2 hour of downtime before I have to go the doctors.

Blood test results were in and my hemoglobin has returned to 13! That is such a relief - I am now anemic free and can no longer blame my tiredness on anemia. Fantastic!

I talked with my doctor about my situation with sugar and how I don't seem to have any control over it. She suggested that I begin by going to hypnotherapy. I made an appointment for August 17th. I explained how I think about sugar off and on throughout the day, how I wake at night and will sometimes think about having sugar, how I try to make it through an evening without breaking down and buying any sugar. I expect that this sugar situation is showing up so LOUDLY right now because I am trying to get control over my food and my health.

One are of concern is that my insulin levels were higher than my last tests, my fat levels were up, triglycerides were up. I expect this is all due to sugar. Finally, when I began this program I was told that I am pre diabetic, and, although this concerns me it is not causing me enough concern to stop the destructive behaviour.

Tonight when I returned from the doctors office I prepared a shake. I didn't want to eat any regular food and I went out and bought a 12 oz package of m&m's. Sick, sick, sick. I need help.

I weighed in at 165, lost 1 pound from last appointment.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

CFM - Day 9

Woke up at 12:30pm today. Feeling tired, believe its from all the sugar I ate last night and from staying up arguing with my husband. Its now 2:15pm and I haven't eaten anything yet so I'd better start.

I need a solution to this sugar addiction. Its an enormous problem and I don't seem to have the power to control it. I don't have enough power/strength over my mind and body to stop this.

Okay, had a shake, an apple, and 1/4 cup of nuts. Went to the gym and put in 45 minutes on the eliptical. Still feeling hung over and out of sorts from both the anger from yesterday and the sugar from yesterday. One thing I am realizing from writing this blog daily is how much sugar and anger are having to be written about.

Had a shake with 2 oils just prior to going to the gym.

Had 6 oz of salmon, 1/2 cup rice, 1/2 cup lentil soup and a carrot for dinner tonight. Bed by 9:30. Ate most of my foods today was missing the vegtables.

CFM - Day 8

Saturday. Dad came over at noon. We had a big lunch, salmon, rice, salad, fruit. Felt strange to eat my largest meal at the beginning of my day. I felt off on my food because of it. Had a second serving of fruit about 4pm. Went to the movies, cut back on my size of m and m's to a 12 ounce package instead of a 20 oz package. Came home about 10pm had 2 shakes and 3 oils so that I could "say" I ate the right foods today. Such bullshit. Pissed off tonight, fighting with husband.