Saturday, August 11, 2007

CFM - Day 22

Didn't go to bed until 3am last night, woke up at 9:30. I'm going to stay on my eating and exercise program today, hang out with my husband, be nice, and just take care of myself. We plan on going to the gym together and going downtown to the Eastern Market.

Its 1:30 and I've only had a shake, a tsp of oil, and 1/8 cup of nuts. Need to get off my ass and do something.

By the end of the day I have eaten all my foods according to plan. I didn't work out because of very heavy bleeding (obviously my medicine to completely stop this is not working).

Tonight I wanted to eat something with sugar, it kept talking to me from the back of my mind. At one point I decided to run to the store and I felt like I wanted to get sugar. As I was walking out the door I started thinking about how bad I feel the day after I eat a bunch of sugar, actually I recognized that it was going to screw me up for about three days after I ate it only to start the cycle all over again. I didn't want to feel like that. This is a MAJOR victory for me. The agreement I made with myself instead was that I could have something that was not on the plan for a snack food, but that it needed to be something without sugar.

I struggled while at the store, but I felt the decision and determination to follow the plan. I looked at trail mix, but I didn't want to load up with that many calories and the dried fruits have a lot of sugar. I looked at nuts, but again, the calories are so high for the size snack I wanted. I decided on those gold fish crackers, one because I like them, and secondly because I can eat 60 of them and only take on 130 calories. I'm so proud of myself for coming up with this solution.

I actually heard myself going through the denial conversation in my head, "well, I just want to get some m&m's, it'll be okay, I can have them." When I heard that lie playing in my head I wanted to laugh/scoff at it. "Your never going to stop this if you don't stop now, just give it up. Get over it. Its over. You don't want the hangover, the cravings, the problems. Just stop."

Friday, August 10, 2007

CFM - Day 21

Did not set an alarm this morning, woke up at 8:30 am. Felt dizzy and disoriented, unstable on my feet. Not sure if having a reaction to medicine or not. I'm taking 24 hour allergy and cough medicine.

Anyway, I'm going to force, make, push, whatever myself to get back into action today. I'm feeling much better and I need to take some action steps with myself and my business. Its been many days since I've been to the gym and I'm wanting to get a workout in. Have a date with my husband this evening also since he'll be going out of town for a week beginning Sunday.

Word of warning/reminder to self: in the past when my husband goes out of town, my food goes downhill. I have a tendency to not take care of myself. I do not want this to happen this time and I will take the steps necessary to insure that this doesn't. One thing I can do is to make sure my refrigerator is stocked with foods from my eating plan. I can cut up vegetables in advance so that they are ready for me to just grab. I can make dishes and freeze them so I can pull them out when I'm ready to eat. The bottom line is that I need to make a plan for myself and my self care.

Also, since we gave the cleaning pe0ple notice, I need to figure out a way and/or schedule for my husband and I to clean our home.

Finally, I'm wavering on whether or not I should take a math class in addition to the two architecture classes I'm taking. I'm concerned that if I don't take a math class I'll put myself behind in the architecture program. On the other side, I'm afraid that I'll be taking on too many classes. Hmm. Since I'm 50/50 on this issue, I'll flip a coin and see what I should do.

I did well with my food today. I ate all of the portions I should have, I went over on hommus and grain, BUT, I didn't eat anything with sugar, I maintained my blood sugar levels and I was able to overcome a mild mental sugar craving. Worked out on the elliptical for 30 minutes and did 15 minutes of abs.

Still fighting with husband though. We seem to be stuck in this battle regarding criticism and taking care of yourself. I'm not sure how it'll turn out, but it does seem to be getting better. Hopefully we're picking up some useful tools or information along the way so we can better maneuver our way through this issue. Mine, I need to get softer, his, he needs to toughen up.

I believe I need to start attending Overeaters Anonymous again to deal with my eating problem. Hmmmm

Thursday, August 9, 2007

CFM - Day 20

A little better of this am. I'm not loaded up with sugar so my emotions are leveller than they have been. I did cancel my appointments for this morning because I'm really not up to them today. I'm planning to stay home and take care of paperwork and take care of myself.

I've arranged to have both of my houses refinanced, they are both in the process of the applications now. I've contacted the University I'll be attending later this month to check up on my financial aid. I've been placing my clients orders so things are getting caught up better. I'm also working with companies so that I can generate an income over the next couple of months. I'm applying for a hardship loan from a contribution program from my husbands work in order to bring the main house payment current. I'm stressing out about not shopping on the internet, its really hard for me not to! We've given the cleaning service a 30 day notice, and my husband needs to get to the new gym so we can put in a notice at our old gym also.

I'm writing about these financial issues because I believe they are related to how I take care of myself and to my eating patterns.

I did much better with my eating today. I missed 2 tsp's of oil and 1 protein. I think that's fantastic after how I've been eating though. Feeling better this evening and plan to return to work tomorrow.

I finished the evening off with going over on my fruits - I had an extra 2 or 3 servings of grapes. I think I'm only supposed to eat 12 grapes as a serving, so I had at least 36 grapes.

Just read an article about sugar, they referred to it as "extremely addicting", I certainly know that is true. In the article they recommended using stevia. I do have some packets in the house and I can try this. What I believe I need to do though is completely eliminate sugar from my eating plan. The problem, or what I am afraid of is the results of removing it completely from my diet. I'm afraid I'll go on a 6 month binge of sugar or something.

I stopped drinking about 15 years ago. I never have a drink. I have little desire for a drink (only when I'm not dealing with my anger), and I know that if I have a drink I'll probably go off the deep end. Because I'm so self conscious in front of others this helps me to not drink. However, I don't have those same fears with sugar. I can't seem to just give up sugar because its not good for me. I don't care enough about myself for that to happen. It seems like I can give up an addiction for others, rarely for myself though. Hmmmmmm...... I do want to stop this sugar situation.

Something I heard altered to relate to my situation: "Every time you say yes to that binge, you say no to health, wellness, and goodness in your life. Every time you say no to that binge, you say yes to your life"

CFM - Day 19

Woke up at 4:30 am, obsessed about the remaining M&M's! Waited until my husband got out of bed to go get them and bring them back to bed with me. This is really sad. I know that if it was a bottle of liquor I could say "I'm a drunk" and get help, but, this is a bag of m&m's - who would believe that this is such a problem. Once my mind is stuck in the obsession there seems to be no way for me to get off it.

Other foods I ate today, grapes, about 2 pounds, sushi, a protein shake, miso soup, teas. Still feeling sick and hoping to feel better in the am. No exercise today.

CFM - Day 18

Stuck at home with a cold and fever. Foods way off - so far off I'm not even going to bother. Incredibly, I tried all day to overcome my sugar cravings, but, at 8pm I ended up going out and getting 2 14 oz bags of peanut m&m's. What a druggie!? I could not stop myself and didn't or don't have enough tools in place to get outside help to stop me. This is ridiculous. Of course, the sugar is going to, in the end, make me feel worse. I know this and I don't have enough to stop this on my own. I hate this part of me. I ate the 1 14 oz bag and than part of the 2nd bag.

Monday, August 6, 2007

CFM - Day 17

Set alarm for 7am, got up at 8:15. Had a 9am appointment though so was rushing around to get ready. Had a shake, packed a shake, a peach, a pear, and 1/4 cup of nuts. Forgot my lunch though. Damn. Oh well, went to my meetings, didn't take a lunch break, and now I've returned home feeling weak, and tired. I've eaten the lunch I packed and am hoping to regain some energy soon. My son and his girlfriend are on their way over to visit and I'm needing energy. I'll grab a cup of coffee and see if that helps me at all.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

CFM - Day 16

I have a sore throat today and am not feeling to well. Husband and I sat down and made some financial decisions together. 1. Take our home off the market. 2. Pay the balance past due (about $15,000) from our retirement account 457. 3. Rent out our condo on the detroit river. 4. Have a garage sale next weekend. 5. Do an inventory of our artwork and sell it at a local gallery. 6. Reduce our current monthly expenses by appx $1000. 7. Husband to check out a different gym (we pay $200 month) that charges $50 month, I will go to the gym at the college I'll start attending later this month - free. 8. Stop the cleaning service for $200 a month. 9. I have to cut out my internet clothes shopping (appx $500 month). There's $850. 10. Possibly get rid of cable $100 month. 11. Husband to cut his own hair with #2 saving $70. 12. Cut coupons 13. Use less electricity (I leave a LOT of lights on) 14. Cut down on our gas use - double and triple up where we're going. 15. Trade in one of our cars for a smaller car. 16. Cut back on eating out $200 a month. 17. Refinance both of our houses (? savings)

I think by us taking these steps husband and I can get some of the stress off of us a