Saturday, August 11, 2007

CFM - Day 22

Didn't go to bed until 3am last night, woke up at 9:30. I'm going to stay on my eating and exercise program today, hang out with my husband, be nice, and just take care of myself. We plan on going to the gym together and going downtown to the Eastern Market.

Its 1:30 and I've only had a shake, a tsp of oil, and 1/8 cup of nuts. Need to get off my ass and do something.

By the end of the day I have eaten all my foods according to plan. I didn't work out because of very heavy bleeding (obviously my medicine to completely stop this is not working).

Tonight I wanted to eat something with sugar, it kept talking to me from the back of my mind. At one point I decided to run to the store and I felt like I wanted to get sugar. As I was walking out the door I started thinking about how bad I feel the day after I eat a bunch of sugar, actually I recognized that it was going to screw me up for about three days after I ate it only to start the cycle all over again. I didn't want to feel like that. This is a MAJOR victory for me. The agreement I made with myself instead was that I could have something that was not on the plan for a snack food, but that it needed to be something without sugar.

I struggled while at the store, but I felt the decision and determination to follow the plan. I looked at trail mix, but I didn't want to load up with that many calories and the dried fruits have a lot of sugar. I looked at nuts, but again, the calories are so high for the size snack I wanted. I decided on those gold fish crackers, one because I like them, and secondly because I can eat 60 of them and only take on 130 calories. I'm so proud of myself for coming up with this solution.

I actually heard myself going through the denial conversation in my head, "well, I just want to get some m&m's, it'll be okay, I can have them." When I heard that lie playing in my head I wanted to laugh/scoff at it. "Your never going to stop this if you don't stop now, just give it up. Get over it. Its over. You don't want the hangover, the cravings, the problems. Just stop."


Only me said...

Hi,Blog:growthsoulsearch. I am also on the road of self discovery and improvement and is usually doing this by reading. Maybe some of the books that I talk about can also help you.
Good luck, and remember you must be kind to yourself first, then the other things will come easily.

Jewel said...

Thank you for your comments. I too am a firm believer in books and recovery. I read about 10 books a week and have read hundreds of books which over the years have helped me incredibly. I will keep an eye on your blog, and thank you.